I HATE EVERYTHING
I no longer wish to live. Math has me beat again. I didn't have anytime to study my material. I'm not grasping any of the concepts I need to. I can't get any help. I feel like a three year old. I just wanna break something and or scream very loudly I'm that frustrated. I'm most likely going to cry. Because I FEEL STUPID. I feel horrible. I feel defeated. I feel like my teacher is going to think I didn't try at all. And he would be kinda right. I tried for 5 hours straight, made marginal progress, and then I rage quitted. RAGE QUITTED MY DAMN HOMEWORK. My brain is just full of the thoughts I used to have in a math class.
Hate everyone.
Hate Everything.
Everyone is fucking annoying.
I'm not going to get it done.
I'm not going to get it done correctly.
there's no way I'm gonna learn this in time.
I CAN'T TELL WHERE THE FUCK I'M FUCKING UP CAUSE THE DAMN HOMEWORK IS ON THE FUCKING INTERNET AND I CAN'T CHECK MY FUCKINg WORK TO SEE MY ERRORS. IT ISN'T HELPING ME AT ALL. I DON'T WANT TO JUST "TAKE" ANSWERS, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TRY INFINITELY UNTIL I UNDERSTAND.
It's not the online homework's I'm failing. I just suck. I'm the problem here. I didn't get to study enough. I shouldn't be allowed to live. I wish I wasn't alive. I don't fully understand these formulas because I really do have the brain of a 3 year old. I shouldn't be alive. I don't want to have to walk into class on Wednesday.
I tried so hard WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND IT. FUCK I REALLY AM CRYING. WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SO USELESS? NOT ONE DAMN PERSON CAN HELP ME.
SHUT UP MOM, YOUR ONLY "HELPFUL" ADVICE IS "Get a tutor in that class" I DON'T HAVE THE TIME AND A FUCK LOT OF GOOD THAT'LL DO ME IN THIS MOMENT. THIS PARTICULAR GODDAMN FRIGGIN MOMENT. THIS ONE FUCKING MOMENT WHERE i DON'T UNDERSTAND AND CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO CALM DOWN.
THESE LETTERS NEED TO BE BIGGER. BECAUSE I'M MENTALLY SCREAMING MYSELF HOARSE. I HONESTLY HATE MYSELF. I DON'T NORMALLY HATE MATH. WHEN MY MATH IS IN THE BOOK AND i CAN SETTLE DOWN WITH THE CALCULATOR, A NOTEBOOK, AND JUST HASH IT OUT, I'M FINE. I GOT A B LAST YEAR. THIS YEAR, I'M LUCKY IF I GET TO LEAVE WITH MY SKIN.
I'M JUST SO UPSET WITH MYSELF. I JUST KNOW MY TEACHER IS GONNA LOOK AT MY HOMEWORK AND WONDER IF I TRIED. AND WONDER IF I'M JUST STUPID. I ALWAYS FEEL STUPID. I ALWAYS HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP. I ALWAYS GET HELP AND EVEN THEN STILL CAN'T WORK IT OUT. EVEN THEN I'M STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I'M NINEFUCKINGTEEN YEARS OLD AND THIS IS WHAT A COLLEGE MATH CLASS HAS DONE.
I'm literally sitting here bitching on the internet because I can't finish my homework. Deadline is 1 1/2 hours away and I already gave up. Worst part is, I'm honestly crying. There are riveres of tears down my face like my heart was ripped in half again. Because I feel so inadequate. I'm practically throwing a fit. I want to flip a table. I'm snappy. I'm crying my eyes out. I can't even begin to see hope or the need to try anymore.
So yeah, that's it. I'm probably not gonna kill myself, but it seems slightly preferable to this feeling that I've let my teacher down. That because I can't get all the homework done in my classes I'm gonna fail everything.
I have a psych paper due thrusday and it's a piece of shit. Worst paper I've ever written and I'm gonna fail that too. Tonight is a horrible night. everything about it makes me wish I didn't exist.
I SUBCONSCIOUSLY DREW MY WONDERFUL EX BOYFRIEND. I started to doodle in my math lecture. And suddenly I realized I gave my doodle his old long feathery hair, and gently smoky eyes. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. I HATE HIM BECAUSE HE WAITED UNTIL I REALLY LOVED HIM. AND UNTIL ALL MY MEMORIES WERE OF LONGING AND HOW GENTLE HE WAS. Not one person can say "oh it's a good thing, you two fought all the time".
We never fought. We only...waited. We waited three years to meet eachother. and then after a while I waited 2 months without hearing from him. And I'd have kept waiting. My only thought was about when he'd return.
I have no one who thinks about me the way he did. I'm not smart enough to be alive. I mismanagae my emotions. I REALLY THINK I SHOULD DIE NOW THAT I REALLY LOOK AT EVERYTHING.
I'm lying to everyone. Everyone tells me I look sad. I always say I'm just fine and that if I look sad I'm really just deep in thought. TRUTH: I'm sadder than hell. I'm borderline hyperdepressed. I'm lying to everyone because I can't bring myself to say the words "I'm not okay, I am really really sad".
I got it the most while I was waiting those last two months. And I was ripped to pieces. Insides shredded. I had faith keeping me together. Now, what the fuck do I have to live for? DO YOU SEE WHAT MATH HAS STARTED? I HAVE A BOX CUTTER RIGHT HERE AND it looks....dangerous.
I'm.....crazy. Looking at all this. I'm not okay. I'm not stable. I'm false and empty and flawed and horrible. I wish.....I could sleep for 3 years.
Hate everyone.
Hate Everything.
Everyone is fucking annoying.
I'm not going to get it done.
I'm not going to get it done correctly.
there's no way I'm gonna learn this in time.
I CAN'T TELL WHERE THE FUCK I'M FUCKING UP CAUSE THE DAMN HOMEWORK IS ON THE FUCKING INTERNET AND I CAN'T CHECK MY FUCKINg WORK TO SEE MY ERRORS. IT ISN'T HELPING ME AT ALL. I DON'T WANT TO JUST "TAKE" ANSWERS, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO TRY INFINITELY UNTIL I UNDERSTAND.
It's not the online homework's I'm failing. I just suck. I'm the problem here. I didn't get to study enough. I shouldn't be allowed to live. I wish I wasn't alive. I don't fully understand these formulas because I really do have the brain of a 3 year old. I shouldn't be alive. I don't want to have to walk into class on Wednesday.
I tried so hard WHY CAN'T I UNDERSTAND IT. FUCK I REALLY AM CRYING. WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SO USELESS? NOT ONE DAMN PERSON CAN HELP ME.
SHUT UP MOM, YOUR ONLY "HELPFUL" ADVICE IS "Get a tutor in that class" I DON'T HAVE THE TIME AND A FUCK LOT OF GOOD THAT'LL DO ME IN THIS MOMENT. THIS PARTICULAR GODDAMN FRIGGIN MOMENT. THIS ONE FUCKING MOMENT WHERE i DON'T UNDERSTAND AND CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO CALM DOWN.
THESE LETTERS NEED TO BE BIGGER. BECAUSE I'M MENTALLY SCREAMING MYSELF HOARSE. I HONESTLY HATE MYSELF. I DON'T NORMALLY HATE MATH. WHEN MY MATH IS IN THE BOOK AND i CAN SETTLE DOWN WITH THE CALCULATOR, A NOTEBOOK, AND JUST HASH IT OUT, I'M FINE. I GOT A B LAST YEAR. THIS YEAR, I'M LUCKY IF I GET TO LEAVE WITH MY SKIN.
I'M JUST SO UPSET WITH MYSELF. I JUST KNOW MY TEACHER IS GONNA LOOK AT MY HOMEWORK AND WONDER IF I TRIED. AND WONDER IF I'M JUST STUPID. I ALWAYS FEEL STUPID. I ALWAYS HAVE TO ASK FOR HELP. I ALWAYS GET HELP AND EVEN THEN STILL CAN'T WORK IT OUT. EVEN THEN I'M STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
I'M NINEFUCKINGTEEN YEARS OLD AND THIS IS WHAT A COLLEGE MATH CLASS HAS DONE.
I'm literally sitting here bitching on the internet because I can't finish my homework. Deadline is 1 1/2 hours away and I already gave up. Worst part is, I'm honestly crying. There are riveres of tears down my face like my heart was ripped in half again. Because I feel so inadequate. I'm practically throwing a fit. I want to flip a table. I'm snappy. I'm crying my eyes out. I can't even begin to see hope or the need to try anymore.
So yeah, that's it. I'm probably not gonna kill myself, but it seems slightly preferable to this feeling that I've let my teacher down. That because I can't get all the homework done in my classes I'm gonna fail everything.
I have a psych paper due thrusday and it's a piece of shit. Worst paper I've ever written and I'm gonna fail that too. Tonight is a horrible night. everything about it makes me wish I didn't exist.
I SUBCONSCIOUSLY DREW MY WONDERFUL EX BOYFRIEND. I started to doodle in my math lecture. And suddenly I realized I gave my doodle his old long feathery hair, and gently smoky eyes. I HATE HIM SO MUCH. I HATE HIM BECAUSE HE WAITED UNTIL I REALLY LOVED HIM. AND UNTIL ALL MY MEMORIES WERE OF LONGING AND HOW GENTLE HE WAS. Not one person can say "oh it's a good thing, you two fought all the time".
We never fought. We only...waited. We waited three years to meet eachother. and then after a while I waited 2 months without hearing from him. And I'd have kept waiting. My only thought was about when he'd return.
I have no one who thinks about me the way he did. I'm not smart enough to be alive. I mismanagae my emotions. I REALLY THINK I SHOULD DIE NOW THAT I REALLY LOOK AT EVERYTHING.
I'm lying to everyone. Everyone tells me I look sad. I always say I'm just fine and that if I look sad I'm really just deep in thought. TRUTH: I'm sadder than hell. I'm borderline hyperdepressed. I'm lying to everyone because I can't bring myself to say the words "I'm not okay, I am really really sad".
I got it the most while I was waiting those last two months. And I was ripped to pieces. Insides shredded. I had faith keeping me together. Now, what the fuck do I have to live for? DO YOU SEE WHAT MATH HAS STARTED? I HAVE A BOX CUTTER RIGHT HERE AND it looks....dangerous.
I'm.....crazy. Looking at all this. I'm not okay. I'm not stable. I'm false and empty and flawed and horrible. I wish.....I could sleep for 3 years.