Modest Ramblings...
I don't know how many of you know this...but when certain things happen to me my brain thinks of words to describe them in the most........(fill in the blank)......way possible. This happened again last night. Here is my brain thought:
"I pressed my foot into the gas pedal; he chased after me for a few yards, but a car is faster than a runner and he soon disappeared into the darkness. I left him behind and he faded away into the night. It scared me; an eerie type of forshadowing."
If you can guess who that is about, I wil tell you the whole story. In other news, Nick and I are miserably sick. Well...I am at least. He thinks his is allergies because his eyes water nonstop. If I go for a long time without eating I feel like I'm going to throw-up. Not a good thing. This fact however led to the only bit of concern Nick has ever shown for me. We went to Wal-mart last night (I owe him 3 dollars, don't let me forget) for food cause he and I were hungry. Dan was with us, of course. While we were there I felt like I was going to get sick...when we left as I was driving I asked Dan to find the bottle of water at his feet and give it to me. From the backseat Nick asked me if I was all right and if I was okay to drive. I told him I was fine, but him saying that nearly brought tears to my eyes...the way it always does when he or Dan (usually Dan) does something nice. Like that evening before Nick and I went to campus cinema and they were annoying me...coming up with every possible use for water. Eventually I went back to my room and closed the door because I had a headache and I wanted to read. Every couple minutes Dan would knock on my door and say another use for water. When I wouldn't answer he was like "Some people use it to say they're sorry." I don't know how someone would use water to say they are sorry...but whatever...it was still touching.
Nick and I saw The Last Samurai at campus cinema last night. What an amazing movie. I was so delighted that finally a big budget A-lister film was so well made and had such a great plot line. It wasn't cliche at all the way some action movies are getting. Tom Cruise did a wonderful job...you wouldn't expect him in a roll like that, but he certainly was amazing. Such a perfect movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While we were waiting for the movie (we thought it started at 9...turns out it was 9:30) I came to a realization. Little bit of background first: I was tired and wanted to lean my head on Nick's shoulder. I didn't. There was a couple a few rows ahead of us I noticed, and the girl had her head on the boy's shoulder. For a moment he leaned his head over on top of hers. It made me think of the last time I leaned my head on the shoulder of a boy I liked. Jeremy Wiker. @ Creation. And then I started thinking about WHY I couldn't just put my head on Nick's shoulder the way I could then. It's plenty depressing. I'm too scared now to do anything I want to do. Lay my head on his shoulder, grab his hand, etc. During the movie he leaned forward and I wanted to rub his back. I didn't. That made me think of Nate Bankert. I used to rub his back and play with his hair all the time. I was so shameless and bold. I'm not anymore. I don't do the things I want to because I'm scared of being rejected again. Maybe I don't do it because I already know that Nick doesn't want me. But I'm still scared of that rejection...of him moving away or telling me to stop. I don't think my heart could take it. I'm so scared because I don't know how he will react that ultimately I don't do the things I want to. I suppose that's what fifteen or so guys rejecting you will do.
Moving on...Nick is going to sell me his loft so I don't have to build one on my own for next year. I don't know why, but I'm REALLY excited about that. He's got such a cool loft...I was going to model mine after his anyways when I built my own, but now it's much easier. He's leaving me the shelf and all the hooks...he's only taking his vintage bottle opener with him, which is fine, I wouldn't use it anyway. Perhaps it will be another way of remembering him...having his loft. (Not that I don't have enough proof that I was friends with him already.) I'm also really excited to be roommate's with Chrissy. I hope she still likes me after it's all said and done.
It's thunderstorming outside. It's dark like night almost. I'm in heaven. I love the rain.
I will leave you with another one of my brain-thoughts...from a few weeks ago...
"A frozen furrow from where the wind had squeezed tears from his eye melted and ran down the soft skin of his cheek. I liked the thought of him crying. Even though he wasn't."
"I pressed my foot into the gas pedal; he chased after me for a few yards, but a car is faster than a runner and he soon disappeared into the darkness. I left him behind and he faded away into the night. It scared me; an eerie type of forshadowing."
If you can guess who that is about, I wil tell you the whole story. In other news, Nick and I are miserably sick. Well...I am at least. He thinks his is allergies because his eyes water nonstop. If I go for a long time without eating I feel like I'm going to throw-up. Not a good thing. This fact however led to the only bit of concern Nick has ever shown for me. We went to Wal-mart last night (I owe him 3 dollars, don't let me forget) for food cause he and I were hungry. Dan was with us, of course. While we were there I felt like I was going to get sick...when we left as I was driving I asked Dan to find the bottle of water at his feet and give it to me. From the backseat Nick asked me if I was all right and if I was okay to drive. I told him I was fine, but him saying that nearly brought tears to my eyes...the way it always does when he or Dan (usually Dan) does something nice. Like that evening before Nick and I went to campus cinema and they were annoying me...coming up with every possible use for water. Eventually I went back to my room and closed the door because I had a headache and I wanted to read. Every couple minutes Dan would knock on my door and say another use for water. When I wouldn't answer he was like "Some people use it to say they're sorry." I don't know how someone would use water to say they are sorry...but whatever...it was still touching.
Nick and I saw The Last Samurai at campus cinema last night. What an amazing movie. I was so delighted that finally a big budget A-lister film was so well made and had such a great plot line. It wasn't cliche at all the way some action movies are getting. Tom Cruise did a wonderful job...you wouldn't expect him in a roll like that, but he certainly was amazing. Such a perfect movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While we were waiting for the movie (we thought it started at 9...turns out it was 9:30) I came to a realization. Little bit of background first: I was tired and wanted to lean my head on Nick's shoulder. I didn't. There was a couple a few rows ahead of us I noticed, and the girl had her head on the boy's shoulder. For a moment he leaned his head over on top of hers. It made me think of the last time I leaned my head on the shoulder of a boy I liked. Jeremy Wiker. @ Creation. And then I started thinking about WHY I couldn't just put my head on Nick's shoulder the way I could then. It's plenty depressing. I'm too scared now to do anything I want to do. Lay my head on his shoulder, grab his hand, etc. During the movie he leaned forward and I wanted to rub his back. I didn't. That made me think of Nate Bankert. I used to rub his back and play with his hair all the time. I was so shameless and bold. I'm not anymore. I don't do the things I want to because I'm scared of being rejected again. Maybe I don't do it because I already know that Nick doesn't want me. But I'm still scared of that rejection...of him moving away or telling me to stop. I don't think my heart could take it. I'm so scared because I don't know how he will react that ultimately I don't do the things I want to. I suppose that's what fifteen or so guys rejecting you will do.
Moving on...Nick is going to sell me his loft so I don't have to build one on my own for next year. I don't know why, but I'm REALLY excited about that. He's got such a cool loft...I was going to model mine after his anyways when I built my own, but now it's much easier. He's leaving me the shelf and all the hooks...he's only taking his vintage bottle opener with him, which is fine, I wouldn't use it anyway. Perhaps it will be another way of remembering him...having his loft. (Not that I don't have enough proof that I was friends with him already.) I'm also really excited to be roommate's with Chrissy. I hope she still likes me after it's all said and done.
It's thunderstorming outside. It's dark like night almost. I'm in heaven. I love the rain.
I will leave you with another one of my brain-thoughts...from a few weeks ago...
"A frozen furrow from where the wind had squeezed tears from his eye melted and ran down the soft skin of his cheek. I liked the thought of him crying. Even though he wasn't."