(no subject)
i went to a birthday party last night. it was for alexis. alexis has startlingly many friends. many of whom are guys. many of whom are smarter than me. many of whom have better career prospect than me. alexis has better career prospects than me. alexis is also seeing someone now. he had a dull dumb look on his face. he could probably beat me up without even exerting himself and someone would probably have to intervene to keep him from killing me. i remember him making a bit of a lecherous gesture toward her while her back was turned and some dudes were watching. they got to the party late. i was at the bar and i had to call her to make sure i didnt miss her and she called and i felt like i was already making her take responsibility for me. i felt rather like a child. i wanted to go and feel independent and support her on her birthday but it turned out to be me who needed the support. when i saw her walk in it gave me an electric shock. thats how she makes me feel. like the food i ate a few hours ago suddenly turned to squares. i guess she had dinner with her guy but when she called and said "we're coming" i took that to me that she was coming with an entourage and they had already prepartied and i hadnt been invited. i suppose thats not true though. i am waiting for her to call me back and i dont think she will because she doesnt really talk to me on the phone. i am waiting for her to call me back on the phone because i left her a message apologizing for leaving her birthday early. i left her birthday early because i was about to burst into tears. it was hard seeing her with this guy she was dating. it was also surprising to learn that we were not spending thanksgiving together. i thought we had plans to spend thanksgiving together but it turns out that i am just one of several people she invited. i guess you could i say i thought it was going to be "just us". now i am not sure if i will go at all. which will make her sad. but i think only inasmuch as she is worried if she did something wrong to me. sometimes i think i am nothing more to her than a moral victory. a moral victory to a person who pathologically sleeps with and hurts people. i am certainly not her friend. i get nothing in return from her. she is not the sort to have male friends. when i suggested the idea to her some months ago, she said flatly i do not want to be your friend. since then she has said all manner of things to indicate to me that i am of some importance to her including that she is afraid of what will happen after i move away, that i am like gravity, and even "i love you" but i find it very hard to believe that i could mean very much to her at all on account of the fact that she has so many wonderful friends and that her boyfriend is so very different a species of person than myself.