Long Cool Blondie In A Black Tux
This songfic is definitely an AU fantasy.
A songfic inspired by Long Cool Woman by the Hollies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP94PlEtsEQ
The funny thing about this song is that no one really knows the words or what the heck the songwriter was trying to say! There has been much debate. My version is just one of many. Many words were changed and guessed in the making of this songfic. Enjoy!
Long Cool Blondie In A Black Tux
~~~O~~~
Saturday night I was downtown
Working for the FBI
Sittin' in a nest of bad men
Whisky bottles piling high
Bungalow Bill Lounge on the west side
Full of people who are doing wrong
Just done callin’ up the DA man
When I heard this blondie sing a song
~~~O~~~
Starsky’s my handle. David Starsky, if you must know. I’m not drunk, even though the whisky bottles tell a different tale. I’m on duty. But I’m not sober, either. I can’t stand working for the Feds completely sober. Makes my eyes itch, if ya know what I mean.
Captain Dobey keeps tellin’ me I need a partner. I’m a loose canon. FBI seems to think I’m rollin’ thunder, ‘cause they keep askin’ for me. Me and my pal, Huggy Bear. I don’t like bringin’ this FBI shit down on my best friend. Him not even bein’ a cop. But he don’t like me goin’ undercover alone. So he’s bartendin’ at this fine establishment. Watchin’ my back and shmoozin’ with the clientele. I make sure he’s outta the line of fire and that the Feds pay him off in enough cash so he can open his own place eventually. I take care of my friends. Maybe that’s why I can’t keep a partner. Ain’t never had one I could call a friend. Either that or it’s my sparklin’ personality scares ‘em away.
Here comes my pal Huggy now.
“Hey, Hugs. Can ya sit?”
“Hey, Curly. Yeah for a minute. You good?”
“Peachy keen. It’s goin’ down tomorrow night, Hugs. That creep owner of this joint, Bill Bung, is gonna be singin’ a tune to the DA. I just called ‘im. He’s a happy man. You sure the stuff’s goin’ out tomorrow?”
“Yeah, yeah. I seen it myself. Bung’s got more snow than Santa in a hundred cases of wine in the cellar. He’s gonna need a big rig to transport that much Horse. One’s comin’ tomorrow night.”
“Hugs? Why don’t you leave now. Say you’re sick or somethin’. I want you far away from this bust, babe.”
“Shhhhh, Curly. I want to hear this new singer. He plays piano, too. He is one fine piece of you know what. And I know you know what that is.”
That’s when a tall, cool, blue eyed blond, gift wrapped in a black bowtie and tux, took the stage.
“Holy crap, Hugs. Is that real?”
“Uhhuh… nice, too. Too nice for that sicko Bung. Bung’s got the poor guy by his short hairs. Holdin’ somethin’ over his head. I like ‘im. It’s a shame.”
“Shhhh, Hugs. Blondie’s talkin’.”
“Good evening, folks. I’d like to play a bit of Cole Porter tonight, if you don’t mind. I’m just in the mood. Hope you are, too.”
"What is this thing called love?
This funny thing called love?
Just who can solve its mystery?
Why should it make a fool of me?
I saw you there one wonderful day
You took my heart and threw my heart away
That's why I ask the Lawd up in Heaven above
What is this thing called love?"
“Hug! What’s his name?”
“Calls himself Hutch. Just Hutch.”
~~~O~~~
Pair a blue eyes cut through me like knives
My temperature started to rise
He was a long cool blondie in a black tux
Just-a 6’1, beautiful, tall
With just one look I was a bad mess
'Cause that long cool blondie had it all
~~~O~~~
“Hugs. He’s comin’ this way”
“Curly! You are a bad mess! What’s come over you?”
“I think I’m in love.”
~~~O~~~
I saw him heading to the table
Like a tall walking big black cat
When Huggy said I hope that you're able boy
'Cause I'm telling you he knows where it's at
~~~O~~~
“Hey, Hutch. Allow me to introduce a friend of mine. Curly.”
“Hey, yourself, Huggy. A pleasure to meet you, Curl. A real pleasure.”
“Well, I gotta get back to the bar. You want anything Hutch?”
“Would you send over an ice water, Huggy? When you get a chance, that is.”
“Sure.”
~~~O~~~
Me and Hutch got to talkin’. He was funny and smart. His eyes were tellin’ me things. Sad things I’d heard a million times before. Hopeful things I thought I’d never hear again. I was gone. I was done for. I wanted him in the worse way. And I figured that was just how I was gonna get him.
After a while, my hand was on his knee. He told me about the hold Bung had on him. My blood ran cold. He took my hand under the table. He trusted me. He knew about the bust, wanted to help. Wanted my help to get free. I gave him my heart. No questions asked. And the long cool blondie in a black tux gave me his. No answers needed. Sometimes life is funny that way.
~~~O~~~
Then suddenly we heard the sirens
And everybody started to run
A-jumping out of doors and tables
When I heard somebody shootin' a gun
~~~O~~~
The Damn DA moved up the bust! I never saw the gun in Bill Bung’s hand. I never even saw Bill Bung! What I heard was Hugs screaming, “Curly! Get down!” What I felt was a bullet just missin’ my brain. What I saw was a long cool blondie in a black tux, pushin’ me under the table. Takin’ out Bung and his minions with moves like Muhammad Ali, then pressing a bar towel to my head, askin’ me if I was alright.
I was just fine.
~~~O~~~
Well the DA was pumping my left hand
And a-he was a-holding my right
Well I told him don't get scared
'Cause you're gonna be spared
I've gotta be forgivin' if I wanna start a livin’
With a long cool blondie in a black tux
Just a 6’1 beautiful, tall
Yeah, with just one look I was a bad mess
'Cause that long cool blondie had it all
Had it all
Had it all