Life after GenCon - Birthday, Wedding and Life in General
This part probably won't be as long as the previous post, simply because I didn't already write this and I'm simply winging it like I usually write. So, if this is a bit scattered or anything, that's why.
My birthday -
Originally, I was supposed to work because I was going to have the day after off (since that was the wedding and all, I'm kinda supposed to be there) Then, it was going to be a quasi-bachelor party deal (Have to say quasi since my 15 year old Chris would be there hence lack of strippers) which consisted of drinking and golf, not necessarily in that order. So I fenangle to get off of work on my birthday (a rare thing for me) but the weather just gets horrible in true Seasidian fashion so I essentially spend the vast majority of my day in my underground realm on the computer as what I usually do when I'm not at work, asleep or at school. After all, what else am I going to do?
The rehershal for the wedding goes fine once everyone knows what they're supposed to do. Mom's trying to put on her normal face but Mom's never been one to welcome the limelight anymore so it's putting her on edge. Me, I'm just sorta there, going through the motions like I'm supposed to but I'm not really there. Instead, my mind is elsewhere, mainly towards my selfish self. It'll be official, I'm the oldest one who's alone. I can just picture it too, my ten-year high school reunion and I'm still here in Seaside, still haven't made it through college, still single, still haven't found that happy medium that everyone else seems to have. Makes me wonder if Kate started to smoke to help her get that medium...
After the rehershal, there was the rehershal dinner which consisted of about fifty to seventy-five people at Cara's house (Brian's mom) which made me uncomfortable - so many people in such tight space. So I go into my usual mode of finding a defensable corner and talk when I have to with "safe" people. It's not as though I don't like my family, it just feels like I'm wading in an ever-increasing pool and I can't see the edges anymore. Then someone brought up the fact that it was my birthday. Naturally, someone has to bring up the song so I decided to play along, directing the masses like a good conductor should. And then everyone lapses back to whatever they were doing before like they're supposed to.
The wedding -
I still look good in a tux and have the least problem in putting one on, compared to the others who were also wearing them. Unfortunately, I don't realize that I leave my normal coat which has my work keys and the like in the same room, forgetting about it until the end of the reception. Other than that and the slight gaffe by Mom's maid of honor forgetting which pocket he put the wedding ring in, the ceremony was fine as was the complete workup of pictures taken before the wedding. Even the weather cooperated, sending plenty of light inside the church. No crashes into the church, no faints, no water sprinkler system malfunctions, so unlike a typical Cool wedding.
The reception -
I chatted with Kate, Sara and Josh when I wasn't being harassed by my young cousins to get me onto the dance floor. Apparently people are under the impression that I can actually dance which I deny (much like all other kinds of compliments about myself reall) but to no avail. It was nice as far as wedding receptions go, the food was great, people were having a good time, nothing terrible happened, Mom and Brian were having a great time so that's all that really matters. I got three gifts - cash from my grandma, Sara got me bowling dice, chocolate and something else while Kate and Josh got me an anti-Bush cd which I still haven't heard yet and Farenheit 9-11. After the reception, Sara, Kate and I went to Astoria to play Cosmic bowling which was fine except for the really lousy music. I finally discover that if I can get my fingers in the holes that I can bowl the ball far more effectively. Go figure.
Life after that -
School has been fine, better than expected for the physics class thanks to the group focused learning method that we use while the computer class is not only small but is definitely filled with beginners and it shows. Of course, this results in me getting a 99 on the midterm and gives the rest of the class an advantage since most everyone who took the same test now get to use open notes and open book on the final. Oh so charmingly fair. Speaking of fair, I have this rather long lagtime between my two classes (4 and 1/2 hours) so I've been walking down the hill and to downtown, poking around since I have nothing else better to do with myself than to walk between 2 and 5 miles other than, you guess it, go online in the computer lab. I still haven't managed to get the fortitude to make it to the adultstore in Astoria though, maybe someday I'll do so. After all, might as well do it at least once in my life, you know?
Work has been growing increasingly dull and that's to be expected with the slowdown of traffic in Seaside. One of my employees quit for reasons that I'm not aware of (and this is because my bosses never tell me just why they quit, which can make one wonder all sorts of things) but other than that, I'm simply killing time for the pursuit of the all-powerful dollar.
As far as everything else, I'm probably just in another fall/winter state of depression. But I think it's probably just a long-standing case of perpetual loneliness. I talk to family, I talk when I'm at work, I talk while I'm at school but they're not really talking to me so much as talking to the public, social me, the me that's perfectly normal and fine when I feel completely otherwise. I don't know how to become friends with someone I don't know, don't know how to get that certain level of familiarity and closeness that I see every day or the next stage of that in terms of romance.
I keep wondering if there's something wrong with me. I know I should "get out" more but really, why? Take going to clubs or bars or something similiar, why would I be there? To get laid? Do people really make friends in these places or is this the human equivalent of dogs sniffing each other's butts to know who to fuck? I often wonder what will happen to me when I move out, regardless of whether that location would be. Diminished human contact, deeper amount of overall depression perhaps? Maybe I need to win the lottery and just hire someone to spend time with me. A silly notion, I know but there has to be some stock in that. I mean, take escorts for example - Guys hire them to spend time with escorts for any number of reasons - sex being the common one I'm sure but there's also got to be those who would be fine just to spend time with a beautiful woman who even fakes interest in them. Same thing with cybersex although the entire exchange doesn't involve their physical contact, it also fills some aspect of need for a woman to be interested in them, even if it's just a fantasy, even if it's from a guy in Jersey sitting at his computer jerking off from a fantasy you indulge in.
I'm just tired of being myself. I want to be better than that. Someone that I can actually like being.
Michael
My birthday -
Originally, I was supposed to work because I was going to have the day after off (since that was the wedding and all, I'm kinda supposed to be there) Then, it was going to be a quasi-bachelor party deal (Have to say quasi since my 15 year old Chris would be there hence lack of strippers) which consisted of drinking and golf, not necessarily in that order. So I fenangle to get off of work on my birthday (a rare thing for me) but the weather just gets horrible in true Seasidian fashion so I essentially spend the vast majority of my day in my underground realm on the computer as what I usually do when I'm not at work, asleep or at school. After all, what else am I going to do?
The rehershal for the wedding goes fine once everyone knows what they're supposed to do. Mom's trying to put on her normal face but Mom's never been one to welcome the limelight anymore so it's putting her on edge. Me, I'm just sorta there, going through the motions like I'm supposed to but I'm not really there. Instead, my mind is elsewhere, mainly towards my selfish self. It'll be official, I'm the oldest one who's alone. I can just picture it too, my ten-year high school reunion and I'm still here in Seaside, still haven't made it through college, still single, still haven't found that happy medium that everyone else seems to have. Makes me wonder if Kate started to smoke to help her get that medium...
After the rehershal, there was the rehershal dinner which consisted of about fifty to seventy-five people at Cara's house (Brian's mom) which made me uncomfortable - so many people in such tight space. So I go into my usual mode of finding a defensable corner and talk when I have to with "safe" people. It's not as though I don't like my family, it just feels like I'm wading in an ever-increasing pool and I can't see the edges anymore. Then someone brought up the fact that it was my birthday. Naturally, someone has to bring up the song so I decided to play along, directing the masses like a good conductor should. And then everyone lapses back to whatever they were doing before like they're supposed to.
The wedding -
I still look good in a tux and have the least problem in putting one on, compared to the others who were also wearing them. Unfortunately, I don't realize that I leave my normal coat which has my work keys and the like in the same room, forgetting about it until the end of the reception. Other than that and the slight gaffe by Mom's maid of honor forgetting which pocket he put the wedding ring in, the ceremony was fine as was the complete workup of pictures taken before the wedding. Even the weather cooperated, sending plenty of light inside the church. No crashes into the church, no faints, no water sprinkler system malfunctions, so unlike a typical Cool wedding.
The reception -
I chatted with Kate, Sara and Josh when I wasn't being harassed by my young cousins to get me onto the dance floor. Apparently people are under the impression that I can actually dance which I deny (much like all other kinds of compliments about myself reall) but to no avail. It was nice as far as wedding receptions go, the food was great, people were having a good time, nothing terrible happened, Mom and Brian were having a great time so that's all that really matters. I got three gifts - cash from my grandma, Sara got me bowling dice, chocolate and something else while Kate and Josh got me an anti-Bush cd which I still haven't heard yet and Farenheit 9-11. After the reception, Sara, Kate and I went to Astoria to play Cosmic bowling which was fine except for the really lousy music. I finally discover that if I can get my fingers in the holes that I can bowl the ball far more effectively. Go figure.
Life after that -
School has been fine, better than expected for the physics class thanks to the group focused learning method that we use while the computer class is not only small but is definitely filled with beginners and it shows. Of course, this results in me getting a 99 on the midterm and gives the rest of the class an advantage since most everyone who took the same test now get to use open notes and open book on the final. Oh so charmingly fair. Speaking of fair, I have this rather long lagtime between my two classes (4 and 1/2 hours) so I've been walking down the hill and to downtown, poking around since I have nothing else better to do with myself than to walk between 2 and 5 miles other than, you guess it, go online in the computer lab. I still haven't managed to get the fortitude to make it to the adultstore in Astoria though, maybe someday I'll do so. After all, might as well do it at least once in my life, you know?
Work has been growing increasingly dull and that's to be expected with the slowdown of traffic in Seaside. One of my employees quit for reasons that I'm not aware of (and this is because my bosses never tell me just why they quit, which can make one wonder all sorts of things) but other than that, I'm simply killing time for the pursuit of the all-powerful dollar.
As far as everything else, I'm probably just in another fall/winter state of depression. But I think it's probably just a long-standing case of perpetual loneliness. I talk to family, I talk when I'm at work, I talk while I'm at school but they're not really talking to me so much as talking to the public, social me, the me that's perfectly normal and fine when I feel completely otherwise. I don't know how to become friends with someone I don't know, don't know how to get that certain level of familiarity and closeness that I see every day or the next stage of that in terms of romance.
I keep wondering if there's something wrong with me. I know I should "get out" more but really, why? Take going to clubs or bars or something similiar, why would I be there? To get laid? Do people really make friends in these places or is this the human equivalent of dogs sniffing each other's butts to know who to fuck? I often wonder what will happen to me when I move out, regardless of whether that location would be. Diminished human contact, deeper amount of overall depression perhaps? Maybe I need to win the lottery and just hire someone to spend time with me. A silly notion, I know but there has to be some stock in that. I mean, take escorts for example - Guys hire them to spend time with escorts for any number of reasons - sex being the common one I'm sure but there's also got to be those who would be fine just to spend time with a beautiful woman who even fakes interest in them. Same thing with cybersex although the entire exchange doesn't involve their physical contact, it also fills some aspect of need for a woman to be interested in them, even if it's just a fantasy, even if it's from a guy in Jersey sitting at his computer jerking off from a fantasy you indulge in.
I'm just tired of being myself. I want to be better than that. Someone that I can actually like being.
Michael