college
sorry for the long time inbetween updates. i was just sorta too overwhelmed with life and all the whirlwind changes i was experiencing to be able to get back to it
anyways, college. college so far has been very interesting. on the whole, i absolutely love it. the enviroment here is so much more positive than that of miramonte and orinda and i feel like i relate a lot more to the people here than those back in orinda (at least on the whole). academically, it's been really really hard but i've enjoyed everything i've learned. it's really amazing to not feel stressed to take such and such ap class or math/science that i don't want to take "just to look good to colleges".
that said, everything hasn't been great. i miss the bay area a lot. i know everyone says they miss where they come from a lot when they first get to college, but i miss the bay area SO MUCH. i just miss the feel of it, the places i used to hang out, everything. not only that, but i feel like i've fallen into the same social whole as i was perpetually in back when i was at miramonte - being really good casual friends with lots of people but not close to many. there are so many people that i try to become close friends to, but it never works out. i really don' t understand why i'm so incapable of getting close to people. maybe it's my personality, maybe it's theirs, but either way it never works.
the other thing that's been somewhat hard for me is being in a place where no one knows my history. while in theory that sounds like a great thing, it's also been difficult. back at miramonte, people knew who i had been in years passed and therefore saw me as a mixture of those past identities and my current identity. here, though, people only can see me as who i am right now becuase they have no way to see who i was before. because of this, i feel like a lot of people don't understand me. i know that thinking that "other people don't understand me" is one of the most trite and cliche things i could ever say, but i really legitimately honestly feel that way. i don't know. like last night, i was hanging out with a bunch of people and someone said that i was "a baby in a really masculine form" and everyone agreed. granted, we were all extremely high, but still the fact that that idea could come into someone's head hurts me. people see me act stupid and immature because it's my way of dealing with depression, my way of dealing with feeling alone. while back home people would recognize that and still acknowledge the fact that in the end i'm really a quite mature person, that can't be done here and it sort of sucks.
i don't know. i have a lot of mixed emotions going through my head right now and it's a little bit hard to deal with. at least i'll be home for winter break (which is a month long) a week from tonight. it will be SO nice to be on that break, to be able to get away from wesleyan and back in teh bay area for a little bit to figure things out (hopefully) in time for second semester.
so in summary, things are on teh whole pretty great, but so far from perfect
anyways, college. college so far has been very interesting. on the whole, i absolutely love it. the enviroment here is so much more positive than that of miramonte and orinda and i feel like i relate a lot more to the people here than those back in orinda (at least on the whole). academically, it's been really really hard but i've enjoyed everything i've learned. it's really amazing to not feel stressed to take such and such ap class or math/science that i don't want to take "just to look good to colleges".
that said, everything hasn't been great. i miss the bay area a lot. i know everyone says they miss where they come from a lot when they first get to college, but i miss the bay area SO MUCH. i just miss the feel of it, the places i used to hang out, everything. not only that, but i feel like i've fallen into the same social whole as i was perpetually in back when i was at miramonte - being really good casual friends with lots of people but not close to many. there are so many people that i try to become close friends to, but it never works out. i really don' t understand why i'm so incapable of getting close to people. maybe it's my personality, maybe it's theirs, but either way it never works.
the other thing that's been somewhat hard for me is being in a place where no one knows my history. while in theory that sounds like a great thing, it's also been difficult. back at miramonte, people knew who i had been in years passed and therefore saw me as a mixture of those past identities and my current identity. here, though, people only can see me as who i am right now becuase they have no way to see who i was before. because of this, i feel like a lot of people don't understand me. i know that thinking that "other people don't understand me" is one of the most trite and cliche things i could ever say, but i really legitimately honestly feel that way. i don't know. like last night, i was hanging out with a bunch of people and someone said that i was "a baby in a really masculine form" and everyone agreed. granted, we were all extremely high, but still the fact that that idea could come into someone's head hurts me. people see me act stupid and immature because it's my way of dealing with depression, my way of dealing with feeling alone. while back home people would recognize that and still acknowledge the fact that in the end i'm really a quite mature person, that can't be done here and it sort of sucks.
i don't know. i have a lot of mixed emotions going through my head right now and it's a little bit hard to deal with. at least i'll be home for winter break (which is a month long) a week from tonight. it will be SO nice to be on that break, to be able to get away from wesleyan and back in teh bay area for a little bit to figure things out (hopefully) in time for second semester.
so in summary, things are on teh whole pretty great, but so far from perfect