Full Scale Whine
I've just about had it. I really want to take a sick day tomorrow but I can't because we have a department head meeting which I need to attend so I can find out WTF I'm supposed to say at the city council budget session I have to go to tomorrow night. Oh yeah, and if I took a sick day I really couldn't show up for a much needed rehearsal of the Jamestown Community Orchestra which is the last full rehearsal before our concert this coming Sunday.
Something is wrong when I have to look at my calendar to see if I can schedule a sick day when I'm actually feeling pretty miserable. Typical sinus/cold/congestion/runny nose/coughing kind of bullshit. That and I'm worn out physically and emotionally. It's the kind of tapped out where you don't feel much of anything because you haven't had time to process.
Last week my Grandfather, Dziadzia, died. I actually witnessed his death along with all my family. I've never seen someone die and it was a bizarre experience. Like something you know you've read about or seen on TV. Everyone gathered around. My aunts and cousins weeping. My Grandmother begging her husband of 61 years not to leave her. My mom suggesting that everyone hold hands and pray. My uncle yelling into my Grandfather's mostly deaf ear, "You can go Dad! Let go!" My Grandfather opening his eyes one last time to yank the oxygen unit off his nose and then dying as a nurse injected morphine into his bloodstream. My uncle trying to close my Grandfather's eyes while my Grandmother tried to close his open mouth after he passed. Everyone standing around, not really wanting to leave but not wanting to stay much longer either. It was surreal.
Just an hour before, we had all been there. My grandfather had been awake and winking at my Grandmother from time to time as they held hands. The family had gone into another room to talk to a doctor about starting hospice that afternoon. My cousin, April, and I stayed with my Grandfather, each of us holding a hand. He looked at both of us, smiling, and said, "You know I love you." We smiled back and told him we loved him too. My cousin, Andrew, came in and sat at the foot of the bed, wiping away tears every so often. We knew he was going to die, but we didn't know it was going to be that soon.
Andrew was the one who called Matt and I back to the hospital about two exits before we would have gotten on the toll portion of the Thruway. We had only left 15 minutes before. It was only 30 minutes later that my Grandfather was gone.
I had been sad in the previous days knowing that they didn't expect him to survive the week and done some crying, but after spending that last day with him, it was like it wasn't quite as awful as maybe it would have been had I not been able to be there. I doubt I could have asked for more closure. Still though, I'm expecting it to all sink in some days from now. I don't have nightly rehearsals or performances for the musical. Soon, I'll be done with Jamestown Orchestra too for the season.
It was just several hours after my Grandfather died that I was back in Jamestown running a Parks Commission meeting. I went to the dress rehearsal for "Chicago" at Little Theatre immediately after that. That's what I mean by not having one moment. And while I was glad to have my parents and aunt come down to see the show and visit, it took away any of the other possible moments I needed to decompress.
I don't know how much of it is an inability to say no. I have that sense of responsibility to work, organizations, and such. Maybe I don't know when, or how, to make myself the priority. All I know is that I have a two-week vacation in November, but I need it now. I can't take it now of course because of work and the Halloween Fun Fest I have to run. I know this is what life is like. The whole cliched thing that it happens while you're trying to make plans. I'm out of whack, off-balance, falling off the log, whatever metaphor you want to throw at this.
The public whinging is mainly born out of the fact that I don't seem to have time to blog anymore. Of course, putting it on LJ was a way of sparing the people who still seem to stumble across the Blogger account site.
I miss blogging. I miss reading. I wish I had time to write more other than rambling journal entries that are mostly marked private from everyone. I miss being able to go to sleep at 9:30pm if I need it. I miss having free week nights. I miss having weekends where NOTHING is scheduled.
See, it's these times where I think about whether I want to continue doing the news even though I love radio and have been doing this for over 5 years. Where I wonder if I should submit my resignation from Infinity before I even start, even though I'd hate to disappoint the two students I have. Where I wonder if I should back out of the Living Christmas Tree even though those rehearsals haven't really begun in earnest yet.
I think after the last few years I'm really hitting my burned out state. I have little enthusiasm or energy for much of anything. I plod on and keep going with it because of this sense of duty. If one could take a sabbatical from life (work, social obligations, hobbies) without the financial and relationship implications, I would right now. I want a month or three off where I can do whatever I need to. Sleep, clean, exercise, breathe, breathe some more, and generally reinvigorate myself. Here's hoping I make it to that two-week vacation without completely losing my shit.
Something is wrong when I have to look at my calendar to see if I can schedule a sick day when I'm actually feeling pretty miserable. Typical sinus/cold/congestion/runny nose/coughing kind of bullshit. That and I'm worn out physically and emotionally. It's the kind of tapped out where you don't feel much of anything because you haven't had time to process.
Last week my Grandfather, Dziadzia, died. I actually witnessed his death along with all my family. I've never seen someone die and it was a bizarre experience. Like something you know you've read about or seen on TV. Everyone gathered around. My aunts and cousins weeping. My Grandmother begging her husband of 61 years not to leave her. My mom suggesting that everyone hold hands and pray. My uncle yelling into my Grandfather's mostly deaf ear, "You can go Dad! Let go!" My Grandfather opening his eyes one last time to yank the oxygen unit off his nose and then dying as a nurse injected morphine into his bloodstream. My uncle trying to close my Grandfather's eyes while my Grandmother tried to close his open mouth after he passed. Everyone standing around, not really wanting to leave but not wanting to stay much longer either. It was surreal.
Just an hour before, we had all been there. My grandfather had been awake and winking at my Grandmother from time to time as they held hands. The family had gone into another room to talk to a doctor about starting hospice that afternoon. My cousin, April, and I stayed with my Grandfather, each of us holding a hand. He looked at both of us, smiling, and said, "You know I love you." We smiled back and told him we loved him too. My cousin, Andrew, came in and sat at the foot of the bed, wiping away tears every so often. We knew he was going to die, but we didn't know it was going to be that soon.
Andrew was the one who called Matt and I back to the hospital about two exits before we would have gotten on the toll portion of the Thruway. We had only left 15 minutes before. It was only 30 minutes later that my Grandfather was gone.
I had been sad in the previous days knowing that they didn't expect him to survive the week and done some crying, but after spending that last day with him, it was like it wasn't quite as awful as maybe it would have been had I not been able to be there. I doubt I could have asked for more closure. Still though, I'm expecting it to all sink in some days from now. I don't have nightly rehearsals or performances for the musical. Soon, I'll be done with Jamestown Orchestra too for the season.
It was just several hours after my Grandfather died that I was back in Jamestown running a Parks Commission meeting. I went to the dress rehearsal for "Chicago" at Little Theatre immediately after that. That's what I mean by not having one moment. And while I was glad to have my parents and aunt come down to see the show and visit, it took away any of the other possible moments I needed to decompress.
I don't know how much of it is an inability to say no. I have that sense of responsibility to work, organizations, and such. Maybe I don't know when, or how, to make myself the priority. All I know is that I have a two-week vacation in November, but I need it now. I can't take it now of course because of work and the Halloween Fun Fest I have to run. I know this is what life is like. The whole cliched thing that it happens while you're trying to make plans. I'm out of whack, off-balance, falling off the log, whatever metaphor you want to throw at this.
The public whinging is mainly born out of the fact that I don't seem to have time to blog anymore. Of course, putting it on LJ was a way of sparing the people who still seem to stumble across the Blogger account site.
I miss blogging. I miss reading. I wish I had time to write more other than rambling journal entries that are mostly marked private from everyone. I miss being able to go to sleep at 9:30pm if I need it. I miss having free week nights. I miss having weekends where NOTHING is scheduled.
See, it's these times where I think about whether I want to continue doing the news even though I love radio and have been doing this for over 5 years. Where I wonder if I should submit my resignation from Infinity before I even start, even though I'd hate to disappoint the two students I have. Where I wonder if I should back out of the Living Christmas Tree even though those rehearsals haven't really begun in earnest yet.
I think after the last few years I'm really hitting my burned out state. I have little enthusiasm or energy for much of anything. I plod on and keep going with it because of this sense of duty. If one could take a sabbatical from life (work, social obligations, hobbies) without the financial and relationship implications, I would right now. I want a month or three off where I can do whatever I need to. Sleep, clean, exercise, breathe, breathe some more, and generally reinvigorate myself. Here's hoping I make it to that two-week vacation without completely losing my shit.