"Things Happen For A Reason"
I used to hate that saying. Now, I don't hate it per se...I just don't necessarily agree with it completely just because it implies that things are predetermined and that the things that happen to us (or "for us" as some would say) are a result of some higher plan and not due to our choices. I am all about choices and accountability, good or bad. Am I reading too much into it? Probably. Welcome to my mind. I do this a lot.
It's not to say that I don't believe in fate. I do. I believe that there is a higher plan and that fate does bring certain people into our lives but I believe it is our choices that ultimately determine why certain things happen. My friend once told me that fate is like a straight line and our life is more like a sinusoidal wave that crosses that line once in a while (ok, no, she didn't actually say sinusoidal wave - that was me). When we make the choices that line up with how things are supposed to be, that's when the two lines meet and we get that feeling of deja vu. This really struck a chord in me because it's almost like a combination of fate, with the notion of something being predetermined, and us having choices. Of course, a philosophy major would likely shoot this down in a heartbeat, but nevertheless, this is how I feel.
Having said that, there are certain events in my life that I believe were meant to happen; specifically, I felt like there were certain people I was meant meet and have in my life, whether for a long or short period of time. In that sense, yes, I believe things happened for a reason, like me meeting certain people, but it was really the choices I made that determined what happened next, like whether or not I chose to do something about it.
The best example I can think of is how I ended up with my ex in the first place. Yes, things didn't work out, but I think he was meant to be in my life, maybe not as long as he was, but still. I believed then, and I still believe now, that it was all meant to happen. I mean, really, we met at 3 different occasions, none of which had anything to do with the other. We first met at a New Year's get together when he first moved here from SD. My high school friend had a thing for him and worked with him so a few of us went to his place to celebrate New Year's. Of course, being a good friend I didn't so much as flirt with him and my friend ended up dating him for a couple months or so. Fast forward to a few months and my college friend had a thing for someone she worked with and so a few of us went to her co-worker's place to celebrate Halloween. Lo and behold, her co-worker's roommate is the guy that my friend dated a few months back. Still, nothing happened between us. In fact, we barely spoke that night. Then, fast forward a few more months (at this point it had been a year since we first met) and my friend is now dating his roommate. They both had motorcycles and she invited me go with them to "Bike Night" since she knew I was into motorcycles. This was the first time we really hung out and it finally dawned on me that I actually really like this guy. Since then, I've been calling him "Bikee" (to my friends at least) and I decided to actually see what could happen. It only took a year. It still makes me laugh to think about this because I imagine God shaking his head at this and going, "Come on, Laura. For real? I can only throw him in your life randomly a few times. Too many times and it's too obvious. You're gonna have to work for it."
So yeah, things may not have worked out the way I thought it was meant to but being with Bikee taught me a lot of things, both good and bad, and ultimately I believe that us meeting (all those separate times haha) was for a reason.
So let's fast forward to 6 years later when we randomly saw each other on the freeway. At that point, we had already been broken up for 2 years and I had (in my head) moved on already. Since I'm such a believer of "signs" or things happening for a reason, I read way too into it. I mean, it is true that it wasn't common for me to be on that freeway on that particular day. It is also true that because he was visiting his brother and sister-in-law so often, who apparently live really close to me, it would've been more likely for us to meet closer to where we lived. Yes, I acknowledge that. However, this is the part where I recently realized is different from when we first met. When we first met, all those times were completely random, and none of which were either of our doing, meaning we both had no idea the other would be there. This time around? He texted me that day saying he saw me on the freeway. We ended up going for drinks. Nothing happened that night except that we made plans again...then again...then again...then I got sucked into the continuation of when we first broke up and got back-ish together again. There was no lesson in me for this except that I really shouldn't have done it. So it kept boggling my mind why God would have us meet again. Why would he put us both randomly on the freeway only have a cycle repeat that really did neither of us any good?
Then I was driving one day and it hit me. I did it to myself. It wasn't fate, it was me.
How so? Because when I was dating Mixer and things weren't going well I was the one who reached out to Bikee first. Because " I wanted to be friends." Now I see there's really no reason to be friends with an ex, unless maybe if you were friends beforehand. Maybe. My point us, had I not done that, he wouldn't have had the balls to text me and none of that would have ever happened. That random moment on the freeway would've just been a glimpse in the past, not a sign that something should happen between us. Or it could be because I had it in my head that he and I "should be friends," and God was all like, "Fine, Laura. Learn the hard way. I'm going to throw him in your life again so you finally realize that you've learned all you can by having him in your life. Do it your way." Who really knows? But that day when I realized that it was my own damn fault? I wanted to slam my hand on my head and go, "Stupid." Ah well. You live, you learn.