Love is Scary
I'm feeling a bit on the pensive side after reading an old entry of mine about how love is blind. You know what else I think about love? It's damn scary.
There are some people who are scared to be alone. Scared of not having someone there. Scared of not having someone to come home to. Scared of being in her own company. Scared of the word that starts with an "s" and ends with an "ingle." Scared. Scared shitless. So scared that she would choose to stay in a relationship that continues to stab her in the heart with a plastic freakin' spoon. Or maybe she ends this relationship but jumps straight into another, just so she won't be alone. Why? Because she feels stronger as a "we" and not when it's just "me."
Me? Total opposite. Yes, I've experienced the heartache, the need to stay even though my heart was breaking in slow motion. After all, change isn't easy. But the moment I decided it was truly over? I instantly felt a little bit stronger. I felt more like myself. It didn't take long for me to reunite with myself and I, and it didn't take long before I started going on dates...with myself. I revel in being single. Single Laura is bomb-diggity. I'm confident, I'm happy, definitely self-assured, and loving life. I feel I've grown so much in the past year as a single gal.
What I'm scared of? I'm scared I'm going to revert back to the insecure, hella low self-esteem girlfriend that I was once I get into a relationship. I've come a loooong ways from who I was back then. I've become more honest with myself, I'm better able to (1) admit my feelings to myself and (2) express them to others. I'm afraid that these lessons learned are just illusions because there's nothing to test me right now. I'm so worried that if I end up in a relationship again, I might take a huge step back and start bottling up my emotions and pretending they don't exist. I'd like to think I've grown, but the truth is, I've always been stronger when I'm single. Love doesn't excite me; it scares the shit out of me. Fall in love? Please. I get pulled into love and even then I drag my feet in an attempt to save myself. Love is SCARY. SCARY! I'm hoping that since I am now more honest with myself and thus more aware, I won't fall into that pattern again. The, I'm-pissed, no-I'm-not, it's-all-my-fault-I'm-paranoid, I'm-going-to-keep-this-to-myself, then one drunken night, F*@* YOU, YOU SON-OF-A-B#&*%! pattern. Not my finest moment (or if I'm being completely honest, it's more like moments).
What I really think? Love is blind, and when you are finally able to open your eyes fully, you'll find that love is scary. Scariest shit ever, skillfully disguised as a soft, cuddly, cute little heart. Well here's what I say to you, love: YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!! AAAAHHH!!
The truth is, I'm starting to fall and it's scaring me shitless. Or maybe this is just infatuation because it is fairly new after all. Yeah. That must be it. (Denial, much? <- That's me being honest with myself. See that? Progress.)
There are some people who are scared to be alone. Scared of not having someone there. Scared of not having someone to come home to. Scared of being in her own company. Scared of the word that starts with an "s" and ends with an "ingle." Scared. Scared shitless. So scared that she would choose to stay in a relationship that continues to stab her in the heart with a plastic freakin' spoon. Or maybe she ends this relationship but jumps straight into another, just so she won't be alone. Why? Because she feels stronger as a "we" and not when it's just "me."
Me? Total opposite. Yes, I've experienced the heartache, the need to stay even though my heart was breaking in slow motion. After all, change isn't easy. But the moment I decided it was truly over? I instantly felt a little bit stronger. I felt more like myself. It didn't take long for me to reunite with myself and I, and it didn't take long before I started going on dates...with myself. I revel in being single. Single Laura is bomb-diggity. I'm confident, I'm happy, definitely self-assured, and loving life. I feel I've grown so much in the past year as a single gal.
What I'm scared of? I'm scared I'm going to revert back to the insecure, hella low self-esteem girlfriend that I was once I get into a relationship. I've come a loooong ways from who I was back then. I've become more honest with myself, I'm better able to (1) admit my feelings to myself and (2) express them to others. I'm afraid that these lessons learned are just illusions because there's nothing to test me right now. I'm so worried that if I end up in a relationship again, I might take a huge step back and start bottling up my emotions and pretending they don't exist. I'd like to think I've grown, but the truth is, I've always been stronger when I'm single. Love doesn't excite me; it scares the shit out of me. Fall in love? Please. I get pulled into love and even then I drag my feet in an attempt to save myself. Love is SCARY. SCARY! I'm hoping that since I am now more honest with myself and thus more aware, I won't fall into that pattern again. The, I'm-pissed, no-I'm-not, it's-all-my-fault-I'm-paranoid, I'm-going-to-keep-this-to-myself, then one drunken night, F*@* YOU, YOU SON-OF-A-B#&*%! pattern. Not my finest moment (or if I'm being completely honest, it's more like moments).
What I really think? Love is blind, and when you are finally able to open your eyes fully, you'll find that love is scary. Scariest shit ever, skillfully disguised as a soft, cuddly, cute little heart. Well here's what I say to you, love: YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!! AAAAHHH!!
The truth is, I'm starting to fall and it's scaring me shitless. Or maybe this is just infatuation because it is fairly new after all. Yeah. That must be it. (Denial, much? <- That's me being honest with myself. See that? Progress.)
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