(no subject)
Do you ever find yourself just sitting somewhere thinking about life? Not really sure why but thats been happening a lot with me lately. I've got a good job, and I really do enjoy it but sometimes it frustrating. Largely because I know in a lot of ways (despite the fact that I am using my degree) I'm not really qualified to be where I'm at. I'm supposed to be a role model for the people I work with but I'm not a role model. There are several of them that I just don't know how to act around. I don't really understand their disabilities and well to be honest I try to look past them and see the person for who they really are. Largely because it pisses me off when people look at me and just see whatever label they've stuck me with. (Especially those that just see one mental illness or another)
Another part of the problem is that I'm really not that mature for my age. There are a lot of things that I'm well stunted in. Particularly with the emotional side of things. It's like sometimes I can see myself making certain decisions, or doing certain things but I don't really understand why I'm doing them. It's usually little things that most people would probably think is completely stupid but I guess I just over analyze them.
A good example of this is trying to make friends, or personal connections with people. It's not easy for me but I'm trying to do it anyway. The crazy thing is it's not just with the people I work with or hang out with. In a lot of ways thats how I feel with my family here. I don't know how to act around them. I want to get closer to them, or at least thought I did, but I'm scared to really put myself out there. I've already been hurt by them several times within the last year, and while I'm not mad at them and the pain is for the most part gone, the memory of the pain is still there.
But the thing that's really eating away at me right now is a little closer to home. It's more personal. Even though I tell people on a fairly regular basis now that I know my ankle isn't going to heal. It's never going to be okay. I know I'll never get the chance to play soccer again (even if I lose the weight and get back into shape) because my body won't let me push myself the way I used to. I know this is probably a good thing, because in a lot of ways that why it's so messed up now. I wouldn't let it heal and I'd push it too hard too fast.
I'm trying really hard to except it but its not easy. I feel like I'm losing part of myself, part of who I am. Most of you who know me now, and maybe some of you who've known longer, probably aren't aware of this but I've always thought of myself as an athlete. Not a very good one but an athlete none the less. Soccer is my favorite sport by far but I've played lots of others too.
T-ball, baseball, softball, flag football (and tackle with my brother), basketball, volleyball, but most of all soccer. I started playing sports when I was a little kid, around 6 years old. For most of my life I was the only girl, or one of the few, on the teams I played on. It wasn't until high school that I started playing on all-girl teams. They didn't exsist when I was growing up. The point is sports is part of who I was but now I'm not really sure it can still be a part of who I am.
I don't know what to do. I'm just having a hard time accepting this. No doctor has come out and said it but others have. Well specifically my supervisor at work. It's not going to get better, and I just need to learn to accept that. It's just that I'm not that old. Yes I'm 28 and I know that's close to 30 but give me a break, there are people who are in their 60's and 70's who still run marathons. I know I need to drop weight and get back into shape, fact is I'm working on it.
Since I changed jobs I've dropped about 25 lbs (in about 3 months) and my upper body strength has definetely improved. I know this because back in late-May/early-June when they put a cast on my foot I had to use crutches for a day so the cast had time set. I barely got from the office to the elevator because my upper body just wasn't strong enough. And yes I realize that I was carrying around a good bit of extra weight then but the fact is now I can get around easier and faster with the stupid crutches than I can hobbling. (trust me this wasn't the case a couple months ago)
I really want to get back into shape, and at least be able to go out and work out on my own (soccer wise). Just don't think it's going to happen, and damn it, it's not fair. And yes I know life isn't fair but give me a break I've been through enough shit in my life, why do I have to deal with this crap on top of it.