the first noel
I wish now that I had kept up this journal from the beginning of Ava, but, oh well. I'm going to keep writing about everything after that, I suppose.
As nothing in particular but something I'd like to remember, my mom and I were coming back from the grocery store and the sun was setting. It sort of looked like someone had taken a paint brush and put it against the clouds, you know? Anyway, the store is 3 minutes from home so once I was unloading the car I called Ava (she answered, "Hey girl," (I secretly love it when people call me that)) and told her to step outside just to take a look, and it was just something I wanted to share with her because sunsets are our thing.
The Lanes minus Ivy came over last night--Ivy's grounded, and I might not see her ALL of the Christmas break; it's killing me I WANT IVY--and we got in the hottub because it's been really really cold the past two days. They made me play stupid games that were actually sort of fun, the Lanes have a real knack for things like that, and then Ava started telling me how her dad had been interrogating Ivy on Friday night. "Why's a senior hanging out with a freshman? Is Katy even a freshman? I bet Ava goes over there and then they go party allll night. What kind of shady stuff are they up to over there?"
:D
In reality, all we do is watch movies and hold hands. XP
Somehow Carson caught on that Ava wanted to be alone with me--she was hinting at it: "Emma, Carson, go inside and play with Wyatt."--so they got out and got dressed and stayed inside with Wyatt. Apparently they played video games the whole time and Emma tried to sleep.
At first we couldn't think of anything to talk about, nothing at all, so Ava told me to close my eyes and open my mouth, which I refused to do, so she covered my eyes with her hand and tugged open my mouth with her other and put her gum--that she had been chewing--in my mouth. Of course I spit it out. XD She giggled about it for a good while before I made her calm down.
Then she got in my lap, like I wanted her to, and she put her arms around my neck and her face into the crook of my neck and we sat there for a little bit. I slid my fingers over her back like I usually do and she asked me if her breathing bothered me, I said it didn't (it's soothing, to be honest). Then she half sat up and said, "I'm trying to think of what I would say if Emma and Carson came out here. I'd have to tell them that... I was crying." She told me about her lesbian cousins that freak people out in public but at the same time are adorable, and how Emma and Carson had never really seen girls do that kind of thing.
Then I said, "Well, at least my family doesn't care." "Yes they do." "No, they don't. Wyatt thinks it's just 'cause we're girls. Emily knows, I'm pretty sure, and I think my mom does too. And my dad is never home. Problem solved."
Before they had come over, I'd been down at my neighbor's house for a while because it was my mom's birthday yesterday. And my mom was talking to her friend Kim about the Lanes or something, and when I walked in the room, Kim said, "I know the Lanes. Ivy used to come over and play with Alex (her son) all the time. Yeah, I knew her mom Amanda, she was such a good mother, a stay at home mom. I think Ivy was the one that found her, right? Ivy found her in the bathroom."
I asked Ava for verification on that, and she said it was true. She said how she didn't have that same image like Emma and Carson and Ivy had, because she wasn't home. Then she told me how she'd only ever seen her dad cry twice. When he was over at their neighbor's and his head was in his hands and he was just sobbing sobbing sobbing. Then just this year, when Ava was laughing at him for something and she wouldn't stop, and he started beating her, she said, and she was laughing at him the whole time and then he stopped, and carried her to her room and started crying.
I didn't understand how she could sit there with me and tell me something like that without sounding affected. She's just so strong.
We moved and she put me against her chest, my back against her chest, and she brushed her fingers over my face again, like she did last week (it's only been a week, damn) and I rubbed my hands on her legs--I love her legs--and she would hold my hands and it was just good. She asked me if I was comfortable and I told her I was very comfortable. I love it when she puts me in that position. I'm not often comfortable when she's the one holding me, but I'm learning. She kept trying to touch my stomach, and I wouldn't let her because I'm so ticklish and I don't like my stomach, but she kept trying so I put my hands over hers and let her touch me. I asked her why she was so determined and she said that I had a pretty stomach XD But it was sweet, and she said it against my hair. So it was special.
Then she actually did try to keep me in her lap, and I kept protesting and I told her I didn't like it, so she let me move and I had her sit in a sort of provacative position. I had my legs crossed underneath me and she spread her legs so that she was... I can't really describe it, open, against me? She commented on how it was suggestive, but I told her not to think of it like that and it wouldn't be a problem.
Still, she shimmied against me and made her eyes all seductive and said my name over and over again really desperately. So I covered her eyes and she just had her hands on my shoulders, saying my name like that. (I liked that, I like it when she says my name, I like it a lot more than I should, I think) Then she half shouted my name and I half shouted hers and she put her face into my shoulder.
I tried to take her hair out of its bun, and she said no in a really soft voice and I told her I wanted it, and then she said how we were like Matt and Maggie 'cause we kept talking in baby voices to each other XD I said no, we didn't, but then she told me what I had just said to her and I had to agree.
Then we held hands and she said, "So, I told CJ the other day, 'I think Katy and I are officially secretly dating.'" I smiled and said, "Yaay." She smiled back and told me how he had been very ugh about it, and I asked her why he hated it so much. "He doesn't hate gays, he just hates it for me. But I'm not gay. I'm straight plus Katy. Just straight plus Katy."
She put her head down on my shouler after that and we just held each other before I saw Carson and we had to stop. Her dad called, it was 10:30 and he wanted them home. I don't know why, I don't, but they went home and Ava told me to text her like she always does.
me: Mehcomebalck
Ava: Eye wilsh. Although you make me embarrassingly silly.
me: Lol what?
Ava: I don't even know what i'm saying with you half the time. I just babble my inner monologue.
me: But i like it, it's funny. I don't think you're THAT silly.
Ava: I get on my own nerves lol. BUT ITS OK
me: IT'S OKAY. Meh it's just like me complaining about my body lol. I do that wayy more often around you than other people. Meh suddently tired...
Ava: MEH SELF CONSCIOUS
me: Mehhh. Just a little. DOESN'T HELP THAT I'M CONSTANTLY TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU. Gawd.
Ava: Lol really? Doesn't seem like it. Seems to ME like your just you
me: Oh good. That's a good way to think :) sorry if i fall asleep, that last text took me out of half sleep lol.
Ava: NOOOO
me: You were taking too long to rehply so i got all sleep lol.
Ava: SORRY. you can sleep i guess...texting isn't the same as in person.
me: Not exactly, but i'll try to stay awake. And when we're alone in the hottub you can bring up things you say to cj instead of making us think of things lol
Ava: Whatt? DON'T GET IT
me: You telling cj that we're "officially" dating. Stuff like that makes me happaaaay.
Ava: Ohhh. Officially secretly lol
me: Yeah, i know lol. That's okaay.
Ava: I knew you would like that
me: Meh you know me pretty well
Ava: You're easy
me: How do you mean?
Ava: You don't confuse me. I feel like i know you well
me: Well, you do. I guess you know me in ways other people don't. I don't know. But i like it.
Ava: I LIKE IT TOO YOURE NOT STRESSFUL
me: JUST CAUSE I'M EASAY TO PLEASE. Wait, cj was that stressful?
Ava: Mhm. He had me all paranoid
me: About what?
Ava: How our relationship was doing. And also about the things i said so they didn't push him over the edge
me: Hmmm. I can understand that. I feel like he's very judgemental.
Ava: Yes. Every fight was about something i said. Eventually it led to him breaking up with me. Sent ya an email with my haircut
me: Lol i'd go check but i have no real intention of moving from this couch... Huh. I don't see you as someone saying stuff that would cause problems.
Ava: ITS OK.
me: :)
Ava: LOL you should tell cj that he would crack ulp
me: Tell him what?
Ava: That i don't seem like i could cause problems with things i say
me: Oh, sorry. I'm really sleepy lol. But you don't. You don't say things you mean that are offensive to me, ya just like teasin me.
Ava: Well you're different and i have changed a little
me: Why am i so different? How've you cahnged? YOU LEFT YOUR FARMER JACKET HERE.
Ava: DAMN. well you and him are different, obviously. and i changed a while after we broke up. too late but i did.
me: Bad of me to say, but glad it was a little late. But better late than never, right?
Ava: I was addicted to drama
Ava: Sigh. Yeah
me: Drama?
Ava: Yeah he tolerated it for as long as he could. My words got me in all sorts of trouble. But eventually there were just too many fights. me: Hmmm, i understand it now. Much clearer.
Ava: Well good
me: Mmhm.
Ava: Sleep well. I have a feeling i won't see you until...tuesday
me: Hmm okay. I'll text yaaa. Nighty night.
Ava: WAIT are you still awake?
me: Just sort of barely. Why?
Ava: Sorry sorry. What made you say scott was right that we were opposites
me: Oh, i'm always thinking about how we fit a little bit better because you're left handed and i'm right lol. I dunno, that's the sort of thing i think of
Ava: Lol that's odd. Ok i'll let you go to bed for real. Maybe cj and i don't fit because he's left handed too...
me: Meh on the couch. And nah, maybe it just didn't work out like it should have.
Ava: Mmm.
As nothing in particular but something I'd like to remember, my mom and I were coming back from the grocery store and the sun was setting. It sort of looked like someone had taken a paint brush and put it against the clouds, you know? Anyway, the store is 3 minutes from home so once I was unloading the car I called Ava (she answered, "Hey girl," (I secretly love it when people call me that)) and told her to step outside just to take a look, and it was just something I wanted to share with her because sunsets are our thing.
The Lanes minus Ivy came over last night--Ivy's grounded, and I might not see her ALL of the Christmas break; it's killing me I WANT IVY--and we got in the hottub because it's been really really cold the past two days. They made me play stupid games that were actually sort of fun, the Lanes have a real knack for things like that, and then Ava started telling me how her dad had been interrogating Ivy on Friday night. "Why's a senior hanging out with a freshman? Is Katy even a freshman? I bet Ava goes over there and then they go party allll night. What kind of shady stuff are they up to over there?"
:D
In reality, all we do is watch movies and hold hands. XP
Somehow Carson caught on that Ava wanted to be alone with me--she was hinting at it: "Emma, Carson, go inside and play with Wyatt."--so they got out and got dressed and stayed inside with Wyatt. Apparently they played video games the whole time and Emma tried to sleep.
At first we couldn't think of anything to talk about, nothing at all, so Ava told me to close my eyes and open my mouth, which I refused to do, so she covered my eyes with her hand and tugged open my mouth with her other and put her gum--that she had been chewing--in my mouth. Of course I spit it out. XD She giggled about it for a good while before I made her calm down.
Then she got in my lap, like I wanted her to, and she put her arms around my neck and her face into the crook of my neck and we sat there for a little bit. I slid my fingers over her back like I usually do and she asked me if her breathing bothered me, I said it didn't (it's soothing, to be honest). Then she half sat up and said, "I'm trying to think of what I would say if Emma and Carson came out here. I'd have to tell them that... I was crying." She told me about her lesbian cousins that freak people out in public but at the same time are adorable, and how Emma and Carson had never really seen girls do that kind of thing.
Then I said, "Well, at least my family doesn't care." "Yes they do." "No, they don't. Wyatt thinks it's just 'cause we're girls. Emily knows, I'm pretty sure, and I think my mom does too. And my dad is never home. Problem solved."
Before they had come over, I'd been down at my neighbor's house for a while because it was my mom's birthday yesterday. And my mom was talking to her friend Kim about the Lanes or something, and when I walked in the room, Kim said, "I know the Lanes. Ivy used to come over and play with Alex (her son) all the time. Yeah, I knew her mom Amanda, she was such a good mother, a stay at home mom. I think Ivy was the one that found her, right? Ivy found her in the bathroom."
I asked Ava for verification on that, and she said it was true. She said how she didn't have that same image like Emma and Carson and Ivy had, because she wasn't home. Then she told me how she'd only ever seen her dad cry twice. When he was over at their neighbor's and his head was in his hands and he was just sobbing sobbing sobbing. Then just this year, when Ava was laughing at him for something and she wouldn't stop, and he started beating her, she said, and she was laughing at him the whole time and then he stopped, and carried her to her room and started crying.
I didn't understand how she could sit there with me and tell me something like that without sounding affected. She's just so strong.
We moved and she put me against her chest, my back against her chest, and she brushed her fingers over my face again, like she did last week (it's only been a week, damn) and I rubbed my hands on her legs--I love her legs--and she would hold my hands and it was just good. She asked me if I was comfortable and I told her I was very comfortable. I love it when she puts me in that position. I'm not often comfortable when she's the one holding me, but I'm learning. She kept trying to touch my stomach, and I wouldn't let her because I'm so ticklish and I don't like my stomach, but she kept trying so I put my hands over hers and let her touch me. I asked her why she was so determined and she said that I had a pretty stomach XD But it was sweet, and she said it against my hair. So it was special.
Then she actually did try to keep me in her lap, and I kept protesting and I told her I didn't like it, so she let me move and I had her sit in a sort of provacative position. I had my legs crossed underneath me and she spread her legs so that she was... I can't really describe it, open, against me? She commented on how it was suggestive, but I told her not to think of it like that and it wouldn't be a problem.
Still, she shimmied against me and made her eyes all seductive and said my name over and over again really desperately. So I covered her eyes and she just had her hands on my shoulders, saying my name like that. (I liked that, I like it when she says my name, I like it a lot more than I should, I think) Then she half shouted my name and I half shouted hers and she put her face into my shoulder.
I tried to take her hair out of its bun, and she said no in a really soft voice and I told her I wanted it, and then she said how we were like Matt and Maggie 'cause we kept talking in baby voices to each other XD I said no, we didn't, but then she told me what I had just said to her and I had to agree.
Then we held hands and she said, "So, I told CJ the other day, 'I think Katy and I are officially secretly dating.'" I smiled and said, "Yaay." She smiled back and told me how he had been very ugh about it, and I asked her why he hated it so much. "He doesn't hate gays, he just hates it for me. But I'm not gay. I'm straight plus Katy. Just straight plus Katy."
She put her head down on my shouler after that and we just held each other before I saw Carson and we had to stop. Her dad called, it was 10:30 and he wanted them home. I don't know why, I don't, but they went home and Ava told me to text her like she always does.
me: Mehcomebalck
Ava: Eye wilsh. Although you make me embarrassingly silly.
me: Lol what?
Ava: I don't even know what i'm saying with you half the time. I just babble my inner monologue.
me: But i like it, it's funny. I don't think you're THAT silly.
Ava: I get on my own nerves lol. BUT ITS OK
me: IT'S OKAY. Meh it's just like me complaining about my body lol. I do that wayy more often around you than other people. Meh suddently tired...
Ava: MEH SELF CONSCIOUS
me: Mehhh. Just a little. DOESN'T HELP THAT I'M CONSTANTLY TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU. Gawd.
Ava: Lol really? Doesn't seem like it. Seems to ME like your just you
me: Oh good. That's a good way to think :) sorry if i fall asleep, that last text took me out of half sleep lol.
Ava: NOOOO
me: You were taking too long to rehply so i got all sleep lol.
Ava: SORRY. you can sleep i guess...texting isn't the same as in person.
me: Not exactly, but i'll try to stay awake. And when we're alone in the hottub you can bring up things you say to cj instead of making us think of things lol
Ava: Whatt? DON'T GET IT
me: You telling cj that we're "officially" dating. Stuff like that makes me happaaaay.
Ava: Ohhh. Officially secretly lol
me: Yeah, i know lol. That's okaay.
Ava: I knew you would like that
me: Meh you know me pretty well
Ava: You're easy
me: How do you mean?
Ava: You don't confuse me. I feel like i know you well
me: Well, you do. I guess you know me in ways other people don't. I don't know. But i like it.
Ava: I LIKE IT TOO YOURE NOT STRESSFUL
me: JUST CAUSE I'M EASAY TO PLEASE. Wait, cj was that stressful?
Ava: Mhm. He had me all paranoid
me: About what?
Ava: How our relationship was doing. And also about the things i said so they didn't push him over the edge
me: Hmmm. I can understand that. I feel like he's very judgemental.
Ava: Yes. Every fight was about something i said. Eventually it led to him breaking up with me. Sent ya an email with my haircut
me: Lol i'd go check but i have no real intention of moving from this couch... Huh. I don't see you as someone saying stuff that would cause problems.
Ava: ITS OK.
me: :)
Ava: LOL you should tell cj that he would crack ulp
me: Tell him what?
Ava: That i don't seem like i could cause problems with things i say
me: Oh, sorry. I'm really sleepy lol. But you don't. You don't say things you mean that are offensive to me, ya just like teasin me.
Ava: Well you're different and i have changed a little
me: Why am i so different? How've you cahnged? YOU LEFT YOUR FARMER JACKET HERE.
Ava: DAMN. well you and him are different, obviously. and i changed a while after we broke up. too late but i did.
me: Bad of me to say, but glad it was a little late. But better late than never, right?
Ava: I was addicted to drama
Ava: Sigh. Yeah
me: Drama?
Ava: Yeah he tolerated it for as long as he could. My words got me in all sorts of trouble. But eventually there were just too many fights. me: Hmmm, i understand it now. Much clearer.
Ava: Well good
me: Mmhm.
Ava: Sleep well. I have a feeling i won't see you until...tuesday
me: Hmm okay. I'll text yaaa. Nighty night.
Ava: WAIT are you still awake?
me: Just sort of barely. Why?
Ava: Sorry sorry. What made you say scott was right that we were opposites
me: Oh, i'm always thinking about how we fit a little bit better because you're left handed and i'm right lol. I dunno, that's the sort of thing i think of
Ava: Lol that's odd. Ok i'll let you go to bed for real. Maybe cj and i don't fit because he's left handed too...
me: Meh on the couch. And nah, maybe it just didn't work out like it should have.
Ava: Mmm.