Katydid
A few months ago, I logged in to Facebook and noted that yet again, the software had located a dozen or so people it thought I might like to be friends with, network with, or socially associated with. (A really cool instance of this was when at least ten of them were former production and cast members from the various Trek shows) but this particular day I was going through, trying to see if there was anyone I knew. I found one person, and almost deleted the last but I decided since she was a cute blonde that I'd at least see if we knew anyone in common.
As it turned out, we did. So I friended this young woman, Rachel, who knew one of my closer friends from the admissions office back in Virginia and at GMU. I figured, the worst that could happen would be she'd deny the request and life would go on. Easy.
To my surprise, Rachel accepted the request. But it wasn't until very early in January that we started communicating. A wayward "Is it Friday yet?" on Facebook sparked a whole discussion with her, and in short order her sister, a young woman named Katie joined in. Very shortly after this, Katie sent me a friend request and we began messaging each other.
Now, granted, I was feeling a bit silly about this but it was harmless enough and she seemed very interested in me and what I was doing. Messaging on Facebook became texting and texting became phone calls. It was very reminiscent of how things were with Rosemary in the beginning and I had to keep myself from getting too attached too soon, if at all. Not looking to repeat that particular nightmare. Then one night she was out on the town (Boston) with her sister (who was visiting) and I was down in Long Beach with another friend from college who was visiting me and it happened. A flirtatious text became a string of flowery language and expressions of mutual attraction and interest in each other. It was delightful. She could be so silly and goofy and was not ashamed of it either. Her sister even told me they'd all given her a nickname growing up -- whenever their parents would ask who created this masterpiece? who made this mess? etc ... the answer was always the same -- "Katie did." Thus, 'Katydid' was born.
So, for about a month, while I was in the process of moving, she would text or call and we would chat chat chat, talking up a storm. She loved old classic movies and had a shelf full of candy in her office at home because she had quite the sweet tooth. She was unusually close to her sister but it was charming. She would regale me with tales about how she would talk in her sleep and say the silliest things. Teasing her, I told her I didn't believe it. And then of course came the night we were talking on the phone, all about plans to visit each other when she fell asleep. Me, Mr. Motor-mouth didn't realize it till her answers started getting wonky.
ME: So yeah, when you get in we'll hit the beach and the pier, maybe get some dinner. What do you think?
HER: On Tuesday?
ME: You fly in on Sunday.
HER: But with hot dogs? I need feathers!
To say I wasn't knocked over by this would be an understatement. Still, I tried to tell myself I was keeping things in perspective. She would ask about my writing, about how far along I'd gotten in my scripts, she would laugh at my stories about growing up with my brothers and for some reason I still don't understand she developed quite the opinion of me. "Top drawer " as they said in the old classic films, was one of her favorite compliments and she used to say it to me all the time.
Then one day, I got a text message. It was a picture of some statue in a statue museum garden. "Check out the album on FB!" the caption said. So, I did. I went through seeing all the pictures with the silly captions she had included for each image. Finally, I came to the one she had just texted me, captioned with "I love you."
I wanted to believe it. And I did, for a time. But as time went on, it became clear her interest had waned and she and i stopped talking as much. It bothered me, it hurt a little, and I did take it very personally when she finally sent me a message indicating she no longer felt for me the way she thought she had, that she had tried to but it just was not there. After apologizing, she made it clear she still wanted me to be around, to be in her life, and to be her friend but that she understood if I didn't want to see or hear from her ever again.
I wrote back telling her it was not fun to read this message but I understood. Two days later, she messaged me to tell me she had decided to get together with an old friend and they were now in a relationship. Timing being ironic, I wrote back telling her I wasn't surprised, and that it seemed like this was what had been going on from the start. I questioned whether I'd just been an interesting distraction (as I have, seemingly, been to most of my exes) and wished her good luck. I 'hid' her profile on Facebook and returned to my pre-Katie life.
Three weeks later she sent me an email, explaining she understood if I never wanted to see her again, but she missed me and wanted to catch up and was so sorry and wanted me to have all the space I needed but hoped we could talk. I wrote back saying I would like to, but one glance at her profile and I knew I wasn't ready to deal with how lovey-dovey she was being with the other guy.
Two weeks after this, she texted me. We started talking again and i explained to her that I had a fond place for her in my heart, that i missed her and that I regretted how things went down but that because she was with someone else, it meant I couldn't always be there, I couldn't just drop what I was doing to respond or chat. She understood but still wanted to try to catch up. So we did.
A few weeks went by and then I sent her a text. I was feeling low. Lonely would be more apt. "I miss you." I wrote. Very shortly afterward, she responded, saying same and a long chain of texting began again, culminating in her confession:
"I don't know what it is. I just feel like no matter what happens, we will meet someday, and it will be wonderful and you'll look at me and I'll look at you and everything will be wonderful."
And so I realized I was ready to handle a friendship with her. I wasn't crazy about her being with another guy, but it was worth it. She still saw value in me let alone the fact that still wanted me around.
She was in Australia, on vacation with her cousin. She was having a blast. The coffee was good, the food was good, and she was enjoying herself. In response, I texted her a picture of the Sour Patch Kids candy I'd ordered -- her favorite candy-- while at the movies. I had told her I'd bring her the watermelon kind to our first meetup. Amazed, she admitted she'd never had the watermelon flavored candies before. Things were good.
Wednesday last week, I noticed she had uploaded some pictures. I commented on one, as I thought it was particularly glamorous (she's a part-time model), which set off a firestorm of drama with her boyfriend -- who apparently was now her fiance and very jealous.
Unbeknownst to me, Katie's previous ex had stirred up much trouble for the two of them; that I was caught in the crossfire seems irrelevant now, but the point is the fiance mistook me for him and it was all rather silly. I wasn't interested in getting in to a pissing match with this guy so I messaged Katie and she immediately apologized for her boyfriend's behavior and explained the situation. I wrote back thanking her, but also with the question about what limitations would there now be over our commisserating if her fiance was going to go postal like that? She'd made it clear he would "never apologize" and stupidly, I decided this was my breaking point -- it's one thing to make a mistake, a social faux-pas, but to not apologize? I wrote her and essentially told her, "I don't know if I can keep being your friend if I have to live with this other shoe about to drop if I make the wrong comment."
That was Wednesday.
I didn't hear from or write her on Thursday. I didn't want to be a nuisance, and I felt bad about bothering her with this on her vacation.
Friday still no word had come from Katie, but I figured it's Friday, she's having fun, if she was mad she would tell me; if she wasn't she'd get back to me.
This morning I woke up and, upon logging in to Facebook read something I'm still not entirely certain I believe.
Katie died last night.
She's dead.
This wonderful, charming, delightful, musical, talented, sweet and warm and magical young woman was gone. The tingly sparkle she inspired in me, despite having never met in person, would be no more.
Katydid is gone.
I still don't know how it happened. Rachel, last I knew, was on her way to Melbourne to be with her cousin and meet her dad there. The brief messaging I did do with Rachel while she was at LAX didn't afford an opportunity to ask about the details, so i didn't push it.
I know it's silly. I know I never met the girl and that to be attached like I had been was dumb, especially given my history with long-distance relationships (aka GEORGE FAIL)....
but I just can't believe she's gone. I keep thinking I'll wake up and that this is just a really shitty dream, or that it's all a big mistake. Poor little Katydid -- you were only 25! How does this happen?
I think of the other women in my life I've been interested in, or who I've been in relationships with, and with the one exception all of them have shut me out, gave up on me, or essentially said "I know enough to never want to see you again." I hate to say it but i'm used to it by now. I don't necessarily like it, but I'm used to it.
This is different though. This is a girl who genuinely liked me and wanted me around and wanted to meet and have a friendship that would last a lifetime. And it did. Hers.
I just wish I hadn't wasted all that time ignoring her.
Kathryn Victoria "Katie" Miller
September 15, 1985 - March 26, 2010
I don't know why you had to leave us so soon and I hate that you're gone. You meant so much to me even in the short time we knew one another and for this I'm grateful.
I'll never, ever forget you Katydid.
As it turned out, we did. So I friended this young woman, Rachel, who knew one of my closer friends from the admissions office back in Virginia and at GMU. I figured, the worst that could happen would be she'd deny the request and life would go on. Easy.
To my surprise, Rachel accepted the request. But it wasn't until very early in January that we started communicating. A wayward "Is it Friday yet?" on Facebook sparked a whole discussion with her, and in short order her sister, a young woman named Katie joined in. Very shortly after this, Katie sent me a friend request and we began messaging each other.
Now, granted, I was feeling a bit silly about this but it was harmless enough and she seemed very interested in me and what I was doing. Messaging on Facebook became texting and texting became phone calls. It was very reminiscent of how things were with Rosemary in the beginning and I had to keep myself from getting too attached too soon, if at all. Not looking to repeat that particular nightmare. Then one night she was out on the town (Boston) with her sister (who was visiting) and I was down in Long Beach with another friend from college who was visiting me and it happened. A flirtatious text became a string of flowery language and expressions of mutual attraction and interest in each other. It was delightful. She could be so silly and goofy and was not ashamed of it either. Her sister even told me they'd all given her a nickname growing up -- whenever their parents would ask who created this masterpiece? who made this mess? etc ... the answer was always the same -- "Katie did." Thus, 'Katydid' was born.
So, for about a month, while I was in the process of moving, she would text or call and we would chat chat chat, talking up a storm. She loved old classic movies and had a shelf full of candy in her office at home because she had quite the sweet tooth. She was unusually close to her sister but it was charming. She would regale me with tales about how she would talk in her sleep and say the silliest things. Teasing her, I told her I didn't believe it. And then of course came the night we were talking on the phone, all about plans to visit each other when she fell asleep. Me, Mr. Motor-mouth didn't realize it till her answers started getting wonky.
ME: So yeah, when you get in we'll hit the beach and the pier, maybe get some dinner. What do you think?
HER: On Tuesday?
ME: You fly in on Sunday.
HER: But with hot dogs? I need feathers!
To say I wasn't knocked over by this would be an understatement. Still, I tried to tell myself I was keeping things in perspective. She would ask about my writing, about how far along I'd gotten in my scripts, she would laugh at my stories about growing up with my brothers and for some reason I still don't understand she developed quite the opinion of me. "Top drawer " as they said in the old classic films, was one of her favorite compliments and she used to say it to me all the time.
Then one day, I got a text message. It was a picture of some statue in a statue museum garden. "Check out the album on FB!" the caption said. So, I did. I went through seeing all the pictures with the silly captions she had included for each image. Finally, I came to the one she had just texted me, captioned with "I love you."
I wanted to believe it. And I did, for a time. But as time went on, it became clear her interest had waned and she and i stopped talking as much. It bothered me, it hurt a little, and I did take it very personally when she finally sent me a message indicating she no longer felt for me the way she thought she had, that she had tried to but it just was not there. After apologizing, she made it clear she still wanted me to be around, to be in her life, and to be her friend but that she understood if I didn't want to see or hear from her ever again.
I wrote back telling her it was not fun to read this message but I understood. Two days later, she messaged me to tell me she had decided to get together with an old friend and they were now in a relationship. Timing being ironic, I wrote back telling her I wasn't surprised, and that it seemed like this was what had been going on from the start. I questioned whether I'd just been an interesting distraction (as I have, seemingly, been to most of my exes) and wished her good luck. I 'hid' her profile on Facebook and returned to my pre-Katie life.
Three weeks later she sent me an email, explaining she understood if I never wanted to see her again, but she missed me and wanted to catch up and was so sorry and wanted me to have all the space I needed but hoped we could talk. I wrote back saying I would like to, but one glance at her profile and I knew I wasn't ready to deal with how lovey-dovey she was being with the other guy.
Two weeks after this, she texted me. We started talking again and i explained to her that I had a fond place for her in my heart, that i missed her and that I regretted how things went down but that because she was with someone else, it meant I couldn't always be there, I couldn't just drop what I was doing to respond or chat. She understood but still wanted to try to catch up. So we did.
A few weeks went by and then I sent her a text. I was feeling low. Lonely would be more apt. "I miss you." I wrote. Very shortly afterward, she responded, saying same and a long chain of texting began again, culminating in her confession:
"I don't know what it is. I just feel like no matter what happens, we will meet someday, and it will be wonderful and you'll look at me and I'll look at you and everything will be wonderful."
And so I realized I was ready to handle a friendship with her. I wasn't crazy about her being with another guy, but it was worth it. She still saw value in me let alone the fact that still wanted me around.
She was in Australia, on vacation with her cousin. She was having a blast. The coffee was good, the food was good, and she was enjoying herself. In response, I texted her a picture of the Sour Patch Kids candy I'd ordered -- her favorite candy-- while at the movies. I had told her I'd bring her the watermelon kind to our first meetup. Amazed, she admitted she'd never had the watermelon flavored candies before. Things were good.
Wednesday last week, I noticed she had uploaded some pictures. I commented on one, as I thought it was particularly glamorous (she's a part-time model), which set off a firestorm of drama with her boyfriend -- who apparently was now her fiance and very jealous.
Unbeknownst to me, Katie's previous ex had stirred up much trouble for the two of them; that I was caught in the crossfire seems irrelevant now, but the point is the fiance mistook me for him and it was all rather silly. I wasn't interested in getting in to a pissing match with this guy so I messaged Katie and she immediately apologized for her boyfriend's behavior and explained the situation. I wrote back thanking her, but also with the question about what limitations would there now be over our commisserating if her fiance was going to go postal like that? She'd made it clear he would "never apologize" and stupidly, I decided this was my breaking point -- it's one thing to make a mistake, a social faux-pas, but to not apologize? I wrote her and essentially told her, "I don't know if I can keep being your friend if I have to live with this other shoe about to drop if I make the wrong comment."
That was Wednesday.
I didn't hear from or write her on Thursday. I didn't want to be a nuisance, and I felt bad about bothering her with this on her vacation.
Friday still no word had come from Katie, but I figured it's Friday, she's having fun, if she was mad she would tell me; if she wasn't she'd get back to me.
This morning I woke up and, upon logging in to Facebook read something I'm still not entirely certain I believe.
Katie died last night.
She's dead.
This wonderful, charming, delightful, musical, talented, sweet and warm and magical young woman was gone. The tingly sparkle she inspired in me, despite having never met in person, would be no more.
Katydid is gone.
I still don't know how it happened. Rachel, last I knew, was on her way to Melbourne to be with her cousin and meet her dad there. The brief messaging I did do with Rachel while she was at LAX didn't afford an opportunity to ask about the details, so i didn't push it.
I know it's silly. I know I never met the girl and that to be attached like I had been was dumb, especially given my history with long-distance relationships (aka GEORGE FAIL)....
but I just can't believe she's gone. I keep thinking I'll wake up and that this is just a really shitty dream, or that it's all a big mistake. Poor little Katydid -- you were only 25! How does this happen?
I think of the other women in my life I've been interested in, or who I've been in relationships with, and with the one exception all of them have shut me out, gave up on me, or essentially said "I know enough to never want to see you again." I hate to say it but i'm used to it by now. I don't necessarily like it, but I'm used to it.
This is different though. This is a girl who genuinely liked me and wanted me around and wanted to meet and have a friendship that would last a lifetime. And it did. Hers.
I just wish I hadn't wasted all that time ignoring her.
Kathryn Victoria "Katie" Miller
September 15, 1985 - March 26, 2010
I don't know why you had to leave us so soon and I hate that you're gone. You meant so much to me even in the short time we knew one another and for this I'm grateful.
I'll never, ever forget you Katydid.