What?! An update?!
"Yay! The crowd jumps to their feet in applause. All of the voices...all those cheers…all for me. And for once I feel special." At least I hope you all feel that way, for I am FINALLY updating. I have gotten the feeling that everyone thinks that this place sucks, but I really like it. I am sorry that I have not been updating, but I believe I speak for most of us when I say things have been really hectic lately. School, a new diet, being sick, my laptop dieing, the computer screen in the kitchen is broken, and me actually doing my homework, all attribute to me not updating lately. BUT you all will be glad to know that I just recently went through all of your entries that I had missed and tried to leave comments here and there to make up for my absence. You are probably saying to yourself, "Self, Graham actually thinks we care if he is on here or not", well maybe I do. One must try to be optimistic in dire times. But that is ok if my "re-appearance" doesn't send some signal of happiness into your bodies. It wouldn't be the first time I have felt rejected and alone.
But that's enough of that icky self-loathing, for now. Sickness is all that I know of now. And I know it quite well. I have been really sick lately and being sick sucks. I have been like this since Thursday, but am now finally getting a little better. I believe I am sick partially due to the fact that my family has been sick and also partially due to the fact that I started my diet recently. They say that during this time I will be dumping toxins because I am getting all of the bad out of my body. Well I tell them I must have a lot of toxins because I have been sick for quite a while. On top of that I have been very fatigued and just plain sore from head to toe. I believe this is due to the fact that I have not been eating all of the required meals this diet sets forth for me. You would think that a person on a diet would eat any chance he/she gets. But you’re wrong. I don't know why I haven't been eating all the meals, and I really think it could be affecting my weight loss. Funny huh? You would think the less you eat the more you lose weight, but those extra nutrients are really important and getting the metabolism going isn't such a bad idea either. So anywho, I guess what I am trying to say is that the diet is going ok and that it could be better if I just eat all the meals I am supposed to eat. Maybe that could be a reason I am feeling so fatigued and worn out.
Today I whined about not wanting to go to school (honestly I felt horrible) but after my dad found out how bad I have been doing in school his mind was made up. I would be going to school today, and that was final. I was so mad at him for making me go to school when I felt so terrible. I even contemplating going somewhere else and not going to school at all. But of, I did go, and surprisingly had a really good day (other than the fact that I was really tired and not feeling 100%). Biology was good today. Math was good because I had my homework done and because we didn't have to take a quadrillion notes. English was even fun today. In English we are doing this whole little scenario thing where the class lands on this new planet and has to make up all these different things in order to create a society. My little group of four was assigned the task to create the constitution and government for the new society. We had so much fun making up laws (I know it doesn't sound too thrilling, but it really was) and I can't wait until Friday when all the groups present their stuff and we act out this whole scenario. It is going to be so much fun. Then Drama was even good today. Two critical people were missing and we weren't able to go through the play so we did something productive (for once) and cleaned out the "Green Room". For those of you who know what the Green Room looked like before we cleaned it, will be astonished at how nice it looks now. We didn't completely get everything cleaned out, but what we did do was definitely something. We had a HUGE pile of old flats and wood and just plain junk outside when we were done. It was amazing how much we got done in the little amount of time we had. But just doing something productive like cleaning out the Green room really made class good. The day wasn't so bad until I had to go to band practice for Florida. My bottom lip hurt so badly when I was playing in there. I decided that I am going to march alto sax in the Disney parade this year. The good thing is that I played really well. The bad thing is that it hurt my bottom lip. "Gosh, my lips hurt real bad." (Sorry, I just had to; I hope you all know what I am talking about). So all in all my day wasn't that bad.
After school, and after band, Sarah O. and Brittany (or is it Brittney, or even something else) all went to Toys-R-Us. They were both downing it, saying how it wasn't fun anymore, and I just couldn't handle that. I told them that they would have such a good time if they just went and found out for themselves. In the end they did have a lot of fun, and couldn't believe they had doubted it all these years. You just don't doubt Toys-R-Us will provide fun and entertainment. So of course we all acted like 8 year olds running around the store looking at everything. And that’s when I ran into Kelli. What a surprise to see her there. Our whole plan for going to Toys-R-Us was to get light-sabers for the "Council" we made to set the laws in English. We thought light-sabers were authoritative and basically fun. We ended up not getting one after all, but instead left with a newfound love for the store itself. So we then ventured over to the Biltmore Square Mall (a place I have not been to in a while). We walked all around there and it was also fun, but by the time we had walked down to one end of the mall (the longer end considering we started at the food court) my legs were killing me. At one point I didn't feel like I could stay standing up. I suppose it was because I had only eaten 2 meals and because we had been doing so much physical stuff in Drama and because we had spent an eternity in Toys-R-Us looking at everything. Even though I was extremely tired I had a lot of fun. So maybe it was a good thing that I was made to go to school today, and that I actually decided to go.
Maybe I am wrong for even bringing this up, but it really has been a big thing on my mind lately. I am not sure how to really go about this, so I am just going to come out and say what I feel. Lately I started to recognize something. I noticed something that really hurt my moral. Ever since I started my diet I stopped going places with people. And that when I started putting things together. I started to realize that I only went out and did stuff with people when I was the one initiating the "hanging out". This started making me realize that I don't really get invited to do stuff a lot with people. It made me realize that I don't really have a lot of friends. Of course there are people who know me, and people I know, and there are even friends, but I realized that I don't have many good friends. No one really invites me anywhere, and when people do go somewhere with me it is because I asked tem to come to dinner and that I would help pay for their meal. I started adding this all up and realized that, or somewhat felt that people only wanted to hang out with me when I would pay for something. I know everyone wasn't just hanging out with me to mooch off of me, and I was the one who made it seem like nothing was wrong, because at the time nothing was wrong. I guess for some reason in the back of my mind I knew that the only way to keep my friends and be able to do stuff with them was if I bought them something; that something usually being diner or partially paying for a meal perhaps. And also I hated it when I would invite myself places, but when I think about it, it has been one of the greater reasons I do so much stuff with people. I also feel like now that I am on a diet, no one wants to hang out with me. It made me realize that most, if not all events that take place, all outings with friends, only occur because food is involved. I realized that I only went out a majority of the time, because it was to go to a restaurant. It just kinda bumbed me out a little to think this. It also made me realize just how much I actually did go out to eat, and spend on going out to eat. It was like a slap in the face to realize something so apparent. And then my mom brought up this fact that I don't have any guy friends. And that kinda sucks too. I mean don't get me wrong, I love my ladies, but male friends would be nice too. I mean I have friends that are guys, but none that hang out with me, or want have anything to do with me. And I know sometimes I don't initiate friendships with some people when I should try to. And I also realize what and ass I can be to some people. So I guess it is understandable why I don't have many true friends. It makes me feel like no one really likes me; that they just sometimes can't say no to poor old me when I try to tag along. I feel like I am not wanted. And that feeling of loneliness and un-want is one of the worst feelings in the world. You all could sit here and say how all of my beliefs are untrue, but it is just so hard for me to keep fooling myself. I mean, if you sit back and really look at it for what it is, you will see there is some validity to what I say. It just makes me sad sometimes, that’s all.
Some days are easier than others. Some days it’s not apparent to me at all. Some days it might not even be true. Lately though...it has just been hard. I might just be over-emotional from lack of sleep and dieting. I might just be over-emotional for hell of it. I am not even sure about some of my actions, and I hate it. I am sorry for going on about something so stupid. I'll try not to waste any more of your time. Maybe I will learn to be a better friend, and in return have more friends. All I can say is that I am truly trying. Trying is all that I can do right now.
But that's enough of that icky self-loathing, for now. Sickness is all that I know of now. And I know it quite well. I have been really sick lately and being sick sucks. I have been like this since Thursday, but am now finally getting a little better. I believe I am sick partially due to the fact that my family has been sick and also partially due to the fact that I started my diet recently. They say that during this time I will be dumping toxins because I am getting all of the bad out of my body. Well I tell them I must have a lot of toxins because I have been sick for quite a while. On top of that I have been very fatigued and just plain sore from head to toe. I believe this is due to the fact that I have not been eating all of the required meals this diet sets forth for me. You would think that a person on a diet would eat any chance he/she gets. But you’re wrong. I don't know why I haven't been eating all the meals, and I really think it could be affecting my weight loss. Funny huh? You would think the less you eat the more you lose weight, but those extra nutrients are really important and getting the metabolism going isn't such a bad idea either. So anywho, I guess what I am trying to say is that the diet is going ok and that it could be better if I just eat all the meals I am supposed to eat. Maybe that could be a reason I am feeling so fatigued and worn out.
Today I whined about not wanting to go to school (honestly I felt horrible) but after my dad found out how bad I have been doing in school his mind was made up. I would be going to school today, and that was final. I was so mad at him for making me go to school when I felt so terrible. I even contemplating going somewhere else and not going to school at all. But of, I did go, and surprisingly had a really good day (other than the fact that I was really tired and not feeling 100%). Biology was good today. Math was good because I had my homework done and because we didn't have to take a quadrillion notes. English was even fun today. In English we are doing this whole little scenario thing where the class lands on this new planet and has to make up all these different things in order to create a society. My little group of four was assigned the task to create the constitution and government for the new society. We had so much fun making up laws (I know it doesn't sound too thrilling, but it really was) and I can't wait until Friday when all the groups present their stuff and we act out this whole scenario. It is going to be so much fun. Then Drama was even good today. Two critical people were missing and we weren't able to go through the play so we did something productive (for once) and cleaned out the "Green Room". For those of you who know what the Green Room looked like before we cleaned it, will be astonished at how nice it looks now. We didn't completely get everything cleaned out, but what we did do was definitely something. We had a HUGE pile of old flats and wood and just plain junk outside when we were done. It was amazing how much we got done in the little amount of time we had. But just doing something productive like cleaning out the Green room really made class good. The day wasn't so bad until I had to go to band practice for Florida. My bottom lip hurt so badly when I was playing in there. I decided that I am going to march alto sax in the Disney parade this year. The good thing is that I played really well. The bad thing is that it hurt my bottom lip. "Gosh, my lips hurt real bad." (Sorry, I just had to; I hope you all know what I am talking about). So all in all my day wasn't that bad.
After school, and after band, Sarah O. and Brittany (or is it Brittney, or even something else) all went to Toys-R-Us. They were both downing it, saying how it wasn't fun anymore, and I just couldn't handle that. I told them that they would have such a good time if they just went and found out for themselves. In the end they did have a lot of fun, and couldn't believe they had doubted it all these years. You just don't doubt Toys-R-Us will provide fun and entertainment. So of course we all acted like 8 year olds running around the store looking at everything. And that’s when I ran into Kelli. What a surprise to see her there. Our whole plan for going to Toys-R-Us was to get light-sabers for the "Council" we made to set the laws in English. We thought light-sabers were authoritative and basically fun. We ended up not getting one after all, but instead left with a newfound love for the store itself. So we then ventured over to the Biltmore Square Mall (a place I have not been to in a while). We walked all around there and it was also fun, but by the time we had walked down to one end of the mall (the longer end considering we started at the food court) my legs were killing me. At one point I didn't feel like I could stay standing up. I suppose it was because I had only eaten 2 meals and because we had been doing so much physical stuff in Drama and because we had spent an eternity in Toys-R-Us looking at everything. Even though I was extremely tired I had a lot of fun. So maybe it was a good thing that I was made to go to school today, and that I actually decided to go.
Maybe I am wrong for even bringing this up, but it really has been a big thing on my mind lately. I am not sure how to really go about this, so I am just going to come out and say what I feel. Lately I started to recognize something. I noticed something that really hurt my moral. Ever since I started my diet I stopped going places with people. And that when I started putting things together. I started to realize that I only went out and did stuff with people when I was the one initiating the "hanging out". This started making me realize that I don't really get invited to do stuff a lot with people. It made me realize that I don't really have a lot of friends. Of course there are people who know me, and people I know, and there are even friends, but I realized that I don't have many good friends. No one really invites me anywhere, and when people do go somewhere with me it is because I asked tem to come to dinner and that I would help pay for their meal. I started adding this all up and realized that, or somewhat felt that people only wanted to hang out with me when I would pay for something. I know everyone wasn't just hanging out with me to mooch off of me, and I was the one who made it seem like nothing was wrong, because at the time nothing was wrong. I guess for some reason in the back of my mind I knew that the only way to keep my friends and be able to do stuff with them was if I bought them something; that something usually being diner or partially paying for a meal perhaps. And also I hated it when I would invite myself places, but when I think about it, it has been one of the greater reasons I do so much stuff with people. I also feel like now that I am on a diet, no one wants to hang out with me. It made me realize that most, if not all events that take place, all outings with friends, only occur because food is involved. I realized that I only went out a majority of the time, because it was to go to a restaurant. It just kinda bumbed me out a little to think this. It also made me realize just how much I actually did go out to eat, and spend on going out to eat. It was like a slap in the face to realize something so apparent. And then my mom brought up this fact that I don't have any guy friends. And that kinda sucks too. I mean don't get me wrong, I love my ladies, but male friends would be nice too. I mean I have friends that are guys, but none that hang out with me, or want have anything to do with me. And I know sometimes I don't initiate friendships with some people when I should try to. And I also realize what and ass I can be to some people. So I guess it is understandable why I don't have many true friends. It makes me feel like no one really likes me; that they just sometimes can't say no to poor old me when I try to tag along. I feel like I am not wanted. And that feeling of loneliness and un-want is one of the worst feelings in the world. You all could sit here and say how all of my beliefs are untrue, but it is just so hard for me to keep fooling myself. I mean, if you sit back and really look at it for what it is, you will see there is some validity to what I say. It just makes me sad sometimes, that’s all.
Some days are easier than others. Some days it’s not apparent to me at all. Some days it might not even be true. Lately though...it has just been hard. I might just be over-emotional from lack of sleep and dieting. I might just be over-emotional for hell of it. I am not even sure about some of my actions, and I hate it. I am sorry for going on about something so stupid. I'll try not to waste any more of your time. Maybe I will learn to be a better friend, and in return have more friends. All I can say is that I am truly trying. Trying is all that I can do right now.