Remember the song, "Anticipation" from the Heinz commercial - it's stuck in my head.
Scene 1
Setting: IT's corporate office where he/she/it is practicing his swing
Secretary: (offstage) Mr. It, there's a Paul Cereghino on line two?
It: I'll get him on speakerphone. (Pause) You know I don't like to be bothered, Clarice! (Hits line two) Yes?
Paul Cereghino: God?
It: I prefer 'It' it's more cool in a yoga-esque, spiritual type of way. I'm trying to stay hip.
Paul: Right. So what's been your problem lately?
It: What do you mean?
Paul: You know what I mean.
It: Yes, yes I do. I'm sorry, Paul, but you've just been a bit too productive lately. I needed to get you back into the status quo.
Paul: So you commissioned my meeting with the Texan?
It: I also comissioned the sun. Is anyone in the least bit grateful for that. Anyway, I thought it'd be a nice change.
Paul: Change from what?
It: Well in all honesty, from an emotionless, workaholic robot to something a little more human. You're still part of the species, remember?
Paul: For the time being. Do you even know what you've done?
It: I've existed before time started. I've been the eternal creator of life. I let the Rams win the Superbowl. Believe me, Paul, I know what I've done.
Paul: Well you're an asshole.
It: And you work in a cookie shop.
Paul: Touche. But can you even fathom what's been happening?
It: I think so. I've been watching it on TV ALL DAY. It's hilarious really. I especially liked the part where you stopped doing the laundry to look out the window. Then you daydreamed...
Paul: Don't use the disgusting work, you foul deity!
It: ... will it work out? It he the right type? Am I the right type? How long will it last? What if he can't afford four years? What if we ...
Paul: Shut the fuck up. God damnit. This is why I became a pagan.
It: No. You became a pagan because you're first little runt was a pagan.
Paul: (remains silent for a bit) True. But I ended up agreeing with about half of it for a while. I still do ... somewhat.
It: Just relax.
Paul: I can't relax, Jaweh. All I can think about is Boston, and expectations ...
It: Yeah. Yeah those are a bitch.
Paul: And that's your fault!
It: Hey now. It's a package deal. You get the good with the bad. If you'd like to petition that then I can just wipe you out of the universe.
Paul: NO, no I'll ... deal with it. Bastard.
It: Don't act so glum, Paul. Tell me. Are you bored?
Paul: ... No. Just very, VERY anxious.
It: Well don't worry about it then. I mean. This Texan could still turn out to be a huge asswipe. I mean, COME ON, he likes TATU!
Paul: This is true.
It: So wait for your chance, and enjoy yourself as much as you can until then.
Paul: Fine.
It: I got to go jack off now. Talk to you later.
Paul: Wait. What?
(It hangs up, and clicks the link for gaymoviepost.net.)
End scene.
Setting: IT's corporate office where he/she/it is practicing his swing
Secretary: (offstage) Mr. It, there's a Paul Cereghino on line two?
It: I'll get him on speakerphone. (Pause) You know I don't like to be bothered, Clarice! (Hits line two) Yes?
Paul Cereghino: God?
It: I prefer 'It' it's more cool in a yoga-esque, spiritual type of way. I'm trying to stay hip.
Paul: Right. So what's been your problem lately?
It: What do you mean?
Paul: You know what I mean.
It: Yes, yes I do. I'm sorry, Paul, but you've just been a bit too productive lately. I needed to get you back into the status quo.
Paul: So you commissioned my meeting with the Texan?
It: I also comissioned the sun. Is anyone in the least bit grateful for that. Anyway, I thought it'd be a nice change.
Paul: Change from what?
It: Well in all honesty, from an emotionless, workaholic robot to something a little more human. You're still part of the species, remember?
Paul: For the time being. Do you even know what you've done?
It: I've existed before time started. I've been the eternal creator of life. I let the Rams win the Superbowl. Believe me, Paul, I know what I've done.
Paul: Well you're an asshole.
It: And you work in a cookie shop.
Paul: Touche. But can you even fathom what's been happening?
It: I think so. I've been watching it on TV ALL DAY. It's hilarious really. I especially liked the part where you stopped doing the laundry to look out the window. Then you daydreamed...
Paul: Don't use the disgusting work, you foul deity!
It: ... will it work out? It he the right type? Am I the right type? How long will it last? What if he can't afford four years? What if we ...
Paul: Shut the fuck up. God damnit. This is why I became a pagan.
It: No. You became a pagan because you're first little runt was a pagan.
Paul: (remains silent for a bit) True. But I ended up agreeing with about half of it for a while. I still do ... somewhat.
It: Just relax.
Paul: I can't relax, Jaweh. All I can think about is Boston, and expectations ...
It: Yeah. Yeah those are a bitch.
Paul: And that's your fault!
It: Hey now. It's a package deal. You get the good with the bad. If you'd like to petition that then I can just wipe you out of the universe.
Paul: NO, no I'll ... deal with it. Bastard.
It: Don't act so glum, Paul. Tell me. Are you bored?
Paul: ... No. Just very, VERY anxious.
It: Well don't worry about it then. I mean. This Texan could still turn out to be a huge asswipe. I mean, COME ON, he likes TATU!
Paul: This is true.
It: So wait for your chance, and enjoy yourself as much as you can until then.
Paul: Fine.
It: I got to go jack off now. Talk to you later.
Paul: Wait. What?
(It hangs up, and clicks the link for gaymoviepost.net.)
End scene.