Crap, I am depressed, where to go from here.
I think I am depressed. It's not like a I hate my life I want to die depressed or I cannot get out of bed in the morning depressed, but more like a sluggish fog settled on the world around me and everything seems, well...stupid. Interactions with other people have become difficult. My patience is short. When I am at home family has given me zero time to gather my thoughts. My five year old is adorable but demanding. My lovely wife knows I am depressed, she is smart knows the signs. Plus, once I realized it I told her. The worse part is by recognizing the patterns I know the issue is 100% me.
Symptom 1) Irritability: Possibly caused by poor diet, terrible sleep patterns and being overworked. When people cut you off in traffic and you take it as a personal insult. Or when running out of blueberries at the grocery store becomes a war crime. The tick in identifying when you are suffering from irritability is pull back from the situation and ask yourself; Am I the asshole?
Symptom 2) Sluggishness: Being tired all the time, this sucks because you just don't feel like yourself. Even while working out, before and after I feel like crap. I can run two or three miles and feel just as crappy as before and lifting weights for 30 or 40 minutes just gets me to baseline. This could also be diet related.
Symptom 3) Weight gain: possibly caused by all of the above. My self control has been very weak. All I want is sugar, fat and carbs. My weakest time is at night when I am making lunches for my family. I have these insane sugar cravings.
Weight gain was the first observable sign that I was depressed. Last week I got on the scale and weighed myself and found I had gained six pounds and I did not care. It was the not caring that got to me, because that is just not me. I am a relatively healthy adult male. Father, Artist, creative and tech sector worker. Despite all my efforts I am a gown up. I have a mortgage, family and friends. In many ways my life is full. Many of my dreams have come true. In many ways I am very lucky.
However, three years ago my father in law was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer which spread to his brain. The next three years dragged our lives through a topsy-turvy nightmare of madness and denial, paranoia and uncontrolled anger which we were mostly on the receiving end of . Ultimately, he lost that long battle and his life leaving little more than debt. Because of sacrifice and hard work we were able to buy a wonderful new house and things were going great but last month my grandmother, our best babysitter ever was found to have advanced cancer in her bones, lungs and brain. Having refused to go to the doctor for the past year she is now in a nursing home. Her house is being sold and I know this is the catalyst for my depression. This was the woman who raised me. Now I just need to help her pass from this life, but Brain cancer is a bitch and I don't know how I feel about walking this road again.
Symptom 1) Irritability: Possibly caused by poor diet, terrible sleep patterns and being overworked. When people cut you off in traffic and you take it as a personal insult. Or when running out of blueberries at the grocery store becomes a war crime. The tick in identifying when you are suffering from irritability is pull back from the situation and ask yourself; Am I the asshole?
Symptom 2) Sluggishness: Being tired all the time, this sucks because you just don't feel like yourself. Even while working out, before and after I feel like crap. I can run two or three miles and feel just as crappy as before and lifting weights for 30 or 40 minutes just gets me to baseline. This could also be diet related.
Symptom 3) Weight gain: possibly caused by all of the above. My self control has been very weak. All I want is sugar, fat and carbs. My weakest time is at night when I am making lunches for my family. I have these insane sugar cravings.
Weight gain was the first observable sign that I was depressed. Last week I got on the scale and weighed myself and found I had gained six pounds and I did not care. It was the not caring that got to me, because that is just not me. I am a relatively healthy adult male. Father, Artist, creative and tech sector worker. Despite all my efforts I am a gown up. I have a mortgage, family and friends. In many ways my life is full. Many of my dreams have come true. In many ways I am very lucky.
However, three years ago my father in law was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer which spread to his brain. The next three years dragged our lives through a topsy-turvy nightmare of madness and denial, paranoia and uncontrolled anger which we were mostly on the receiving end of . Ultimately, he lost that long battle and his life leaving little more than debt. Because of sacrifice and hard work we were able to buy a wonderful new house and things were going great but last month my grandmother, our best babysitter ever was found to have advanced cancer in her bones, lungs and brain. Having refused to go to the doctor for the past year she is now in a nursing home. Her house is being sold and I know this is the catalyst for my depression. This was the woman who raised me. Now I just need to help her pass from this life, but Brain cancer is a bitch and I don't know how I feel about walking this road again.