of little consequence...ie dont waste your time reading
I feel sort of torn between to worlds...not good and evil, not happy or sad, this sort of mediocrity I can’t find time to divulge my self within…and this fantasy world I wish I was living in…I seem to not want to be where I am but at the same time I don’t know where I want to be or how to move on from here…I seem to get myself into situations that I don’t know how to handle and its scary… I no longer understand what it is that I truly want and I only wish to someday have it laid out in front of me… right now its like the pieces are all there but I cant figure out what goes where and a piece or two is missing…I wish I had a childhood friend who I confided in and trusted and kept around…like Jose and Ryan best friends since 7th grade, they are like brothers and it seems as though nothing can come between them, I wish I had that… it seems as though all of the trivial friendships that I made over time just slowly faded away and its half my fault… no one seemed to stay close enough for me to hold on to…in a year from now I know that I will be in such a different place then I am now, which also scares me… I don’t want to start things I can not finish… I’m also afraid to leave this all behind because I have no idea what I might find if I left and if I would find anything. I am afraid to take any more risks, I don’t think my heart can take it…but I find myself jumping off a cliff with no parachute in a sense…I don’t know what to say anymore or what it is I am feeling… I guess my mom was right in saying that I was living on some cloud not realizing what responsibilities I have creeping my way…registered for the SAT’s at last in part because my mom spent a good 15 minutes bitching saying I am not focused which I guess is true…she said the last thing I needed was a relationship and she might be right but I really do not know at this point… I remember falling love with falling in love but I know that I am past that now and that I am searching for something more then that but I don’t think that I can really see what I have to offer someone else, I am sure some might see it but I feel as though nothing I do as of late satisfies anyone but myself which in some sense is a good thing. I found someone who makes me take a hard look at myself and where I am headed and I like that but I am scared now, scared of what tomorrow may bring… my mom had asked if the reason I had not registered was because I was afraid that people might judge me based on my scored but I really don’t think that’s it, I think its more that I will judge myself based on how well I do and compare myself to everyone else… and now that she made me think of it I am scared of it…but my moneys and June will probably come faster then I would like it to…I am just not sure of myself or my intentions…Fred says I am confusing and I know am and I am sorry that others have to be dragged into my torrent of emotions but I do have a warning label somewhere…or should, “STAY AWAY, far away if you want to be safe.” I think I am beginning to look into things again and that I am taking the time to smell the roses but everyone else seems to be walking at a faster pace and I miss part of them as I take my time. I wish I could explain to myself better what it is that I want from myself, some want to know and wonder what they can offer me but that is of little consequence to me. Argh…