(no subject)
i've become so accustomed to being disappointed. when i get turned down for a date, it doesn't surprise me. it was actually really hard to believe when bri agreed to go on a date with me. it surprised me that she had a good time, and it surprised me that she was willing to go on a second. i was not surprised when four of my thesis proposals were rejected. i thought i did really, really well on my fine arts test, but i wasn't particularly surprised when i got it back with a B.
and just now, i caught myself assuming that i'm not going to get a rental for this fall. i don't want to be in a dorm after this year, and i keep assuming that a dorm is where i'm going to end up, because phil and jeff and josh and i won't have enough points to get a rental, and phil will be rooming with josh again, and i'll be left to the lottery for a roommate. and i'm assuming that i've had too much luck so far, and my next roommate that i'll get from the lottery that i'll have to be in will be awful. and it won't surprise me. i'm probably going to be applying to seminary at some point in the near future, and the rejection letters won't surprise me. why would they accept me, anyway? i'm too dumb, too inexperienced, and too young. people have always tried to tell me i'm smart, but if i'm so smart, then why have i only made mediocre grades in college, why don't i have any experience in my field, and why can't i answer all the questions? i only have a 3.2 cumulative. so many of the people i was around at tams seemed to pull 4.0s in their sleep. i worked the hardest i've ever worked my last semester there, and only managed a 3.6. i scored lower on a fair number of things than the guys who just sat around playing PS2 and cracking dirty jokes.
i almost think that it's directly related to what i don't want to happen. i want to marry bri someday, but i'll be surprised if it actually happens. not because i could forsee anything that would ever screw up our relationship beyond fixing, but because i assume that i'm going to be disappointed. if i'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with a particular girl, then logically (in my mind, anyway) she'll let me down, eventually, and there won't be anything i can do to fix it.
arg. i've almost passed out enough times today. i'm gonna finish the outline for my philosophy paper and go to sleep.
and just now, i caught myself assuming that i'm not going to get a rental for this fall. i don't want to be in a dorm after this year, and i keep assuming that a dorm is where i'm going to end up, because phil and jeff and josh and i won't have enough points to get a rental, and phil will be rooming with josh again, and i'll be left to the lottery for a roommate. and i'm assuming that i've had too much luck so far, and my next roommate that i'll get from the lottery that i'll have to be in will be awful. and it won't surprise me. i'm probably going to be applying to seminary at some point in the near future, and the rejection letters won't surprise me. why would they accept me, anyway? i'm too dumb, too inexperienced, and too young. people have always tried to tell me i'm smart, but if i'm so smart, then why have i only made mediocre grades in college, why don't i have any experience in my field, and why can't i answer all the questions? i only have a 3.2 cumulative. so many of the people i was around at tams seemed to pull 4.0s in their sleep. i worked the hardest i've ever worked my last semester there, and only managed a 3.6. i scored lower on a fair number of things than the guys who just sat around playing PS2 and cracking dirty jokes.
i almost think that it's directly related to what i don't want to happen. i want to marry bri someday, but i'll be surprised if it actually happens. not because i could forsee anything that would ever screw up our relationship beyond fixing, but because i assume that i'm going to be disappointed. if i'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with a particular girl, then logically (in my mind, anyway) she'll let me down, eventually, and there won't be anything i can do to fix it.
arg. i've almost passed out enough times today. i'm gonna finish the outline for my philosophy paper and go to sleep.