(no subject)
yes, my eyes are all dried out and swollen from the tears of a two and a half hour phone call from 3-5:30 am. but I guess it was worth it.... Got told that its all my fault all on me everything is on me, im the one in the wrong. Which is true, I caught myself changing him yes i will admit that and thats why i think it was better that we are not together. There are a thousand things i regret and wish I could take back but its way too late for that. I got chewed out to the max last night, it hurt pretty bad but it was all true and I deserved it. I didn't know what to say because he was so right on everything. Sure I could tell my mother. I told her a thousand times and got bitched at and still stood up for him, believe it or not....But yes I stood up for him in many situations, my friends give me crap...still do and my family and whoever else, I would always get defensive about it, I hated hearing it, I would tell off even my closest friends. I don't ever want to be accused of NOT defending him. And yes I understand quite well that i did the whole thing to the both of us. Somethings I regret but then again I am so glad that its over just because I noticed I was changing him and I knew that was wrong, i started getting bothered by some of the things he does. He changed and I know people changed but he changed in a high school way, I began to feel more and more out of place hanging out with him. One thing that really bothered me was that he would never hang out with me and my friends, no im not blaming him because sometimes it was impossible to get him to me transportation wise...which is fine but then my friends would not want to hang out with him. That really bothered me and that was on my friends' part. Hmm maybe that means my friends dont really love me, neither does my mother. I want to tell my mother again and ask her what she likes about him, yes yes i am afraid, i should not be afraid of my mother but she owns me really well right now. i am VERY dependent on her, she will threaten me and she will find a way to keep me from him. Thats why I never told thats why I had to lie. The only way I could still see you and still be on good terms with my mother and not have her take things away from me is to lie to her. No its not about not being proud of you or embarrased of you, its about weather I see you or not. This was my only option. My father is very understanding, he liked him. He thought it would be healthier for me to be with someone my age but he knew I loved him and respected that. My mother doesn't think like that at all though. She would be dissappointed if I dated a black guy, or if I was lesbian or bi, she would not like me. She hardly likes me as it is. She wants me to be this girly girl who has an Abercrombie boyfriend going to college. Its like she has my life planned out for me. I do what she wants now, just because it puts her in a good mood keeps her on good terms with me making life a LOT easier right now. Once I can live on my own, pay for my own things, things will be better I will have a freedom of choice really. I cant believe I was accused of not standing up for yOU! I have written my motherlong letters telling her how much I loved you and I would do what ever it took to see you adn she just gave me this look that said "your stupid and immature and you dont even know what love is". She did not accept him at all so i had no other choice but to lie to see you dale. I still would love to tell her everything, I DREAM of talking about you, I hated and still do hate keeping you a secret but I honestly have to right now if I want to see you at all. She DOES have the power to take you away from me, she really does. Thats what frightened me not to tell her. She doesnt take me seriously in loving someone younger than myself, she thinks it is rediculous. Right now its hard being together in other reasons than that as well. We are in COMPLETELY different stages in life,he's going for his diploma and im going for my licence in my carreer. We are living in two very different worlds. Things would be a lot easier if we were the same age and he knows this. I always hope and dream that some day things will be better and easier and we can get back together and be as happy as we used to be, but I don't think he wants that anymore, I think he is done, I have made one too many mistakes that I can never take back. Its over, done, i drew the last card. Maybe it is time to give up and stop wishing and hoping and dreaming. I guess Im just sorry for a lot of things and I can not do anything about it anymore. I really wish I could take some things back but that can not happen. Maybe its time to move on, I mean he is moving on, i tried but gave up because its too hard, I told the guy i was dating for a little while that I still loved dale and i still saw him and all that and yes it hurt him to hear that but I had to be honest with him. Well now dad is in the room laying on the massage table, his lover is visiting as well and the dog is present, I'm at a loss of words......