Long and winding rant...
Been a week nearly since we last spoke, eh journal? I'm assuming anyone who know's me has an understanding of how insanely stressed and busy I've been lately. Thankfully this week looks as though it will be much more relaxed.
Even though I had a holiday on Monday, I still managed to earn 4 hours of OT (at least that's what's on the books, I easily worked an additional 10 hours) with our maddash schedule to send out toolkits to each individual participant for the soonest two meetings, plus the numerous projects and tasks associated with prep for those meetings. Also we had our Staff Retreat so I had quite a few projects and chores (affixing over 700 labels) to complete before I went home on Wednesday. Staff Retreat itself was long and hard and I'm glad it's over. This weekend I got entirely too intoxicated at a party at Dw's house and crashed there, getting up around 10 when Russ started texting/calling and returning home to sleep until around 12 when we went to lunch with his family. We went out and did a little shopping, before he took me home and went back out with Jordan for more debauchery. My Saturday was equally uneventful- cramps and hangover are a very bad combination- so I spent the evening watching movies/tv and laying about before going to bed alone. I got a decent night's sleep snuggled down with the cats and then woke up when Russ came home the next morning.
Russ had some good fortune on the Pai Gow tables and we enjoyed a lazy Sunday shopping and enjoying each other's company, culminating with AWESOME Chinese at Soochow and going to bed all snuggled up together.
So some thing that frustrates me a little: Russ is by no means a chauvanist- he genuinely seems to think of me and an equal, valuable member of our marriage. But that doesn't stop him from taking a habit of putting my needs/desires/opinion second on a day-to-day basis and constantly discounting my intelligence and comprehension.
I wanted a large storage drive for data, music, songs etc.- Russ didn't refuse to give me permission to get it, he just basically condescended to me until I stopped even considering it an option. I told Russ that I wanted to upgrade our internet speed to facilitate faster downloads- especially since he HATES when I'm stealing precious bandwidth from him WoW playing, and he told me how stupid of an idea it was. So I had another thought- maybe if I upgraded my 7 year old desk top to use for downloading and file storage- once again my thoughts are unworthy- according to him it'd just be easier/cheaper to buy me a new computer. I ask him if he can just build me one- he's so good at it and is so happy with his, plus he's so practical about it. No- it'd be a waste of time since I don't need anything special, straight out of the box will be *fine* for me (his opinion). So I start looking around for those with him there by my side- and it is, in fact, NOT cheaper, because I can't get what I want. They all have shit for RAM or shit for HDD, and come with 10,000 things I don't need including Vista. So I say "screw it, I'll build my own" and start looking for things online at a site I've used before. But I'm not a computer engineer, so I have to ask him for some information, and next thing I know, he's watching me over my shoulder- which turned out ok- except it was getting pricey again and I really just wanted to upgrade my existing desktop. So finally I get it into a reasonable cost range without too many sacrafices and I'm pleased with the results- I save my shopping cart. At approximately the same time as I mentioned I wanted to update my downloading and storage capacity Russ started talking about how he needs a new laptop- and I was like "ok! Then let's get you one, and sell your old one because it actually works fine for less advanced computer users." But he decided he didn't want to do that, because he hasn't used it in months and he just got a new one at work anyway. Instead he's thinking of updating his Desktop- it's almost 3 years old now. I still didn't balk at the idea- he games and in the past did programing on his computer, he has more sophistocated needs than I do. That was until this morning when he suggested I take his old processor and RAM and buy a motherboard that's compatible with it and just use that as the basis for building my new computer. This idea seemed fine to me, until we explored more deeply the updgrade of his computer- the chip socket for his processor is obscelete, and the only motherboards that offer that socket don't have video or are twice as expensive than what I have chosen. They also don't make new, faster processors for that socket type, so I'm getting 3 year old tech that cannot be made current at any point in the future. Once again I reitterated that I don't actually "need" to get it since the only option he supports seems conterproductive- I can hold off and wait till later this year, it's not a necessity- and he says "I said we'll look later, as in tonight." Just now I received a text from him- "I already got my computer stuff." Now really- he's the major bread winner, and his upgrade is only about $200 when my new computer is about $400, but I can't help but feel a little displeased with the whole situation.
This all comes as part of the same situation wherein I told him I kinda wanted to get an Xbox360- I don't like gaming on pcs, and besides, I don't have a strong enough gaming system as it is- because the Wii is awesome and innovative and such, but for traditional story games, it's just not my cup of tea. I adore the boxing and smash/slash, action games, but they're really all two+ player. If I want to just sit and drown my brain in story and puzzles, I think I should be able too- after all, he has WoW and FEAR and AA, and any number of other games. Just as with most of my other opinions, Russ comes out first with how stupid, lame, unjustifyabe, etc it is. He interrogates me- "what games would you even play"? So I have to go and search through the available and upcoming games, making a list for him, justifying my interest. He humors me- checking on the price/value of used or refurb systems- and then he won money in the casino so I asked him once again if I could *please* get a 360... he yeilded and I got a complete one with a 20gig HDD for under $250 on ebay. So the hardware should be arriving soon, but I've got to still convince him to let me get a game or two to play. I have to still convince him to LET me enjoy it, because randomnly he mentions quietly his disbelief in my desire or whatever. Then today, when I told him I was getting my manicure, haircut, etc that I've been putting off (and that make me FEEL BETTER after so much stress) he teasingly asks what good any of this does him, but then tags on a "jeeze, first a 360, next your nails?" As if the two are in anyway related.
I know in the long run this is just trivial stuff- I have a loving husband who cares for me and I'm by no means abused or neglected- but it still wears on me to constantly feel like a financial burden with trivial, useless, unworthy interests and needs.
Even though I had a holiday on Monday, I still managed to earn 4 hours of OT (at least that's what's on the books, I easily worked an additional 10 hours) with our maddash schedule to send out toolkits to each individual participant for the soonest two meetings, plus the numerous projects and tasks associated with prep for those meetings. Also we had our Staff Retreat so I had quite a few projects and chores (affixing over 700 labels) to complete before I went home on Wednesday. Staff Retreat itself was long and hard and I'm glad it's over. This weekend I got entirely too intoxicated at a party at Dw's house and crashed there, getting up around 10 when Russ started texting/calling and returning home to sleep until around 12 when we went to lunch with his family. We went out and did a little shopping, before he took me home and went back out with Jordan for more debauchery. My Saturday was equally uneventful- cramps and hangover are a very bad combination- so I spent the evening watching movies/tv and laying about before going to bed alone. I got a decent night's sleep snuggled down with the cats and then woke up when Russ came home the next morning.
Russ had some good fortune on the Pai Gow tables and we enjoyed a lazy Sunday shopping and enjoying each other's company, culminating with AWESOME Chinese at Soochow and going to bed all snuggled up together.
So some thing that frustrates me a little: Russ is by no means a chauvanist- he genuinely seems to think of me and an equal, valuable member of our marriage. But that doesn't stop him from taking a habit of putting my needs/desires/opinion second on a day-to-day basis and constantly discounting my intelligence and comprehension.
I wanted a large storage drive for data, music, songs etc.- Russ didn't refuse to give me permission to get it, he just basically condescended to me until I stopped even considering it an option. I told Russ that I wanted to upgrade our internet speed to facilitate faster downloads- especially since he HATES when I'm stealing precious bandwidth from him WoW playing, and he told me how stupid of an idea it was. So I had another thought- maybe if I upgraded my 7 year old desk top to use for downloading and file storage- once again my thoughts are unworthy- according to him it'd just be easier/cheaper to buy me a new computer. I ask him if he can just build me one- he's so good at it and is so happy with his, plus he's so practical about it. No- it'd be a waste of time since I don't need anything special, straight out of the box will be *fine* for me (his opinion). So I start looking around for those with him there by my side- and it is, in fact, NOT cheaper, because I can't get what I want. They all have shit for RAM or shit for HDD, and come with 10,000 things I don't need including Vista. So I say "screw it, I'll build my own" and start looking for things online at a site I've used before. But I'm not a computer engineer, so I have to ask him for some information, and next thing I know, he's watching me over my shoulder- which turned out ok- except it was getting pricey again and I really just wanted to upgrade my existing desktop. So finally I get it into a reasonable cost range without too many sacrafices and I'm pleased with the results- I save my shopping cart. At approximately the same time as I mentioned I wanted to update my downloading and storage capacity Russ started talking about how he needs a new laptop- and I was like "ok! Then let's get you one, and sell your old one because it actually works fine for less advanced computer users." But he decided he didn't want to do that, because he hasn't used it in months and he just got a new one at work anyway. Instead he's thinking of updating his Desktop- it's almost 3 years old now. I still didn't balk at the idea- he games and in the past did programing on his computer, he has more sophistocated needs than I do. That was until this morning when he suggested I take his old processor and RAM and buy a motherboard that's compatible with it and just use that as the basis for building my new computer. This idea seemed fine to me, until we explored more deeply the updgrade of his computer- the chip socket for his processor is obscelete, and the only motherboards that offer that socket don't have video or are twice as expensive than what I have chosen. They also don't make new, faster processors for that socket type, so I'm getting 3 year old tech that cannot be made current at any point in the future. Once again I reitterated that I don't actually "need" to get it since the only option he supports seems conterproductive- I can hold off and wait till later this year, it's not a necessity- and he says "I said we'll look later, as in tonight." Just now I received a text from him- "I already got my computer stuff." Now really- he's the major bread winner, and his upgrade is only about $200 when my new computer is about $400, but I can't help but feel a little displeased with the whole situation.
This all comes as part of the same situation wherein I told him I kinda wanted to get an Xbox360- I don't like gaming on pcs, and besides, I don't have a strong enough gaming system as it is- because the Wii is awesome and innovative and such, but for traditional story games, it's just not my cup of tea. I adore the boxing and smash/slash, action games, but they're really all two+ player. If I want to just sit and drown my brain in story and puzzles, I think I should be able too- after all, he has WoW and FEAR and AA, and any number of other games. Just as with most of my other opinions, Russ comes out first with how stupid, lame, unjustifyabe, etc it is. He interrogates me- "what games would you even play"? So I have to go and search through the available and upcoming games, making a list for him, justifying my interest. He humors me- checking on the price/value of used or refurb systems- and then he won money in the casino so I asked him once again if I could *please* get a 360... he yeilded and I got a complete one with a 20gig HDD for under $250 on ebay. So the hardware should be arriving soon, but I've got to still convince him to let me get a game or two to play. I have to still convince him to LET me enjoy it, because randomnly he mentions quietly his disbelief in my desire or whatever. Then today, when I told him I was getting my manicure, haircut, etc that I've been putting off (and that make me FEEL BETTER after so much stress) he teasingly asks what good any of this does him, but then tags on a "jeeze, first a 360, next your nails?" As if the two are in anyway related.
I know in the long run this is just trivial stuff- I have a loving husband who cares for me and I'm by no means abused or neglected- but it still wears on me to constantly feel like a financial burden with trivial, useless, unworthy interests and needs.