(no subject)
Theres been this strange developement in my life where I've begun liking myself again.
Its even stranger that its such an unfamiliar sensation to enjoy my own company,
Furthermore I think I know why.
For the longest time I've been miserable and I didn't know why. Because I felt so shitty, I felt a more desperate urge to come off as someone nice even if I didn't truly believe it myself.
After a while I kind of began to hate the character I'd come to play. When you don't believe it everything comes out wrong. Half hearted. It doesn't come from anywhere.
Its really hard to feel what isn't there, I didn't love you. I didn't love me.
I feel like I was constantly trying to sell it like I was still normal and it just made things worse.
There is this impossible standard of a person who can do no wrong. They would sacrifice their happiness, everything to be rightoeous.
Don't get me wrong there is power in being righteous more in a sense of self actualization.
Recently I've noticed that I really enjoy my life since I gave up on being what anyone else wants me to be. I still like being a nice guy, but I like it way more when I really mean it. I realized I like crude slightly tragic comedies.I also realized I like smoking ciggarettes, drinking and mean humor. I realized I admire mean people, not heartless people (theres definitely a difference).
I also kind of like being goofy and wierd and not caring how it looks. I have fun being me and people seem to have fun laughing at me and I'm ok with it.
Its even stranger that its such an unfamiliar sensation to enjoy my own company,
Furthermore I think I know why.
For the longest time I've been miserable and I didn't know why. Because I felt so shitty, I felt a more desperate urge to come off as someone nice even if I didn't truly believe it myself.
After a while I kind of began to hate the character I'd come to play. When you don't believe it everything comes out wrong. Half hearted. It doesn't come from anywhere.
Its really hard to feel what isn't there, I didn't love you. I didn't love me.
I feel like I was constantly trying to sell it like I was still normal and it just made things worse.
There is this impossible standard of a person who can do no wrong. They would sacrifice their happiness, everything to be rightoeous.
Don't get me wrong there is power in being righteous more in a sense of self actualization.
Recently I've noticed that I really enjoy my life since I gave up on being what anyone else wants me to be. I still like being a nice guy, but I like it way more when I really mean it. I realized I like crude slightly tragic comedies.I also realized I like smoking ciggarettes, drinking and mean humor. I realized I admire mean people, not heartless people (theres definitely a difference).
I also kind of like being goofy and wierd and not caring how it looks. I have fun being me and people seem to have fun laughing at me and I'm ok with it.