trying not to cry and scream and run away
Life is fucked.
i dont know what the hell is going on. im angry and crying and dead inside and all i wanna do is curl up in Mat's arms and pretend the world doesn't exist again... yeah you red it right. mat. Mat Thompson. yeah. the guys heart i ripped out and then dancded on it with his best friend four odd years ago. yeah.... mat. he came to visit me in Montreal... it was his vacation from small town cobourg - parents bought him a ticket... i was gunna set him up with my roomate... bloody hell. it wasn't intentional . it was kinda gravitational... i wasn't entirely sure if i was really really lucky or really really stupid. right ow its leanin gin the direction of stupid. my brother flipped out ... massivly. "there are more guys in the world than Jon and Mat" ... heh... true enough. but ... damn. and i live in montreal. and even when im home hes an hour away. and then hes leaving. going traveling when he becomes a certified chef. six months or something.. so yeah. stupid. my brother doesn't get how im ignoring all his logic. just because when im with him i cant help but start a slow smile and slip my hand in his. its stupid i know. but i cant help it.
i did the worst thing ive e\ver done to anyone to him and hes giving me a second chance. damn lucky.
and jonathan. fucking hell.... jonathan. dont get me started... mat broke it to him and apparently im supposed to give him a call... so he can cry and tell me he never wants to see me again.
fuck.
life is so fucked up. and somehow mat and i just giggled and shook our heads alot and figured that it would blow up... but reality is sinking in and i just want to run back to montreal where we were just two people and none of this shit mattered. we havent even gone out on a date yet.. i mean... fuck.
so i know how its gunna end. seperation. whether by my choice, his, or cercumstances... thats just the way of it. but damnit.
part of me is scared that it only happened beacuse we're just both horribly lonley... maybe it will be easier that way. then we'll realize that were better as friends and this will all be over.
but god damnit i fear that.
im bored outa my goddamn mind. stressed beyond belief - i gotta find a job i need money... and then there is Mat.
oh bloody hell i just want to escape real;ity a little longer and hide away in montreal and pretend that noone will be hurt by this chance of happiness.... including me.
i dont know what the hell is going on. im angry and crying and dead inside and all i wanna do is curl up in Mat's arms and pretend the world doesn't exist again... yeah you red it right. mat. Mat Thompson. yeah. the guys heart i ripped out and then dancded on it with his best friend four odd years ago. yeah.... mat. he came to visit me in Montreal... it was his vacation from small town cobourg - parents bought him a ticket... i was gunna set him up with my roomate... bloody hell. it wasn't intentional . it was kinda gravitational... i wasn't entirely sure if i was really really lucky or really really stupid. right ow its leanin gin the direction of stupid. my brother flipped out ... massivly. "there are more guys in the world than Jon and Mat" ... heh... true enough. but ... damn. and i live in montreal. and even when im home hes an hour away. and then hes leaving. going traveling when he becomes a certified chef. six months or something.. so yeah. stupid. my brother doesn't get how im ignoring all his logic. just because when im with him i cant help but start a slow smile and slip my hand in his. its stupid i know. but i cant help it.
i did the worst thing ive e\ver done to anyone to him and hes giving me a second chance. damn lucky.
and jonathan. fucking hell.... jonathan. dont get me started... mat broke it to him and apparently im supposed to give him a call... so he can cry and tell me he never wants to see me again.
fuck.
life is so fucked up. and somehow mat and i just giggled and shook our heads alot and figured that it would blow up... but reality is sinking in and i just want to run back to montreal where we were just two people and none of this shit mattered. we havent even gone out on a date yet.. i mean... fuck.
so i know how its gunna end. seperation. whether by my choice, his, or cercumstances... thats just the way of it. but damnit.
part of me is scared that it only happened beacuse we're just both horribly lonley... maybe it will be easier that way. then we'll realize that were better as friends and this will all be over.
but god damnit i fear that.
im bored outa my goddamn mind. stressed beyond belief - i gotta find a job i need money... and then there is Mat.
oh bloody hell i just want to escape real;ity a little longer and hide away in montreal and pretend that noone will be hurt by this chance of happiness.... including me.