i'm so awkward!!!
so yeah, went to my grandma's 90th bday party tonight. it was pretty fun. nice to be able to drink free miller light for a change instead dropping the usual $10 on a 12 pack of beast...oh, but that definitely wasn't the highlight of the evening or anything. it was nice to see catie and billy. and i love my grandma. :) it was weird though because i was reading what people wrote in their cards and stuff and people would sign it "your baby" or "your favorite daughter" or "your favorite niece" and my twisted little mind kept thinking of those titles in terms of sorority family lines...god, you can take the girl out of the sorori-tye but you can't take the sorori-tye out of the girl i guess...anyway...like i said, it was nice seeing people, but i couldn't help but feel really fucking awkward the whole time. i had some good conversations, but i felt like my dorkiness was amplified times a thousand, highlighted in bright yellow, and placed on a platform with a flashing light around it...i don't fit in with that family at all. i always feel like i have to put on an act around them, like try to come off as cool as possible, and it just doesn't work because i'm so nervous and tense about having to play a part that i can't just relax and be myself...which makes me come off really dorky. i mean, yeah, i'm a dork when i'm relaxed, but i'm a cool dork. i just felt like a geeky 13 year old or something. ugh. yuck. i just want to wash the geekiness away. just once i'd like to go to a cunningham party and feel like i actually belong there, like i'm not being judged or not feeling like i don't measure up. i realized tonight that i just feel like a number in that family...except that they know my name and all about me, but who i am makes me about as insignificant as a number. it's like i'm just another body taking up space, someone else they have to be polite to and make idle chit chat with because we're related. lalala whatever...i'm going to bed.