Hello, I'm trying to focus but my eyes decieve me...
A whole hell of a lot has been happening lately. So much that this is probably going to be yet another of those vague-ass posts that have become my signature. Personally, my emotions have been going through quite the spectrum. I'm trying to stay positive, but that has never been something that comes easily to me. On the other hand, when I start getting negative, I just piss myself off because I know that having a shitty attitude is not going to be constructive in any way. Much like how posting right now instead of tackling the Everest that is my homework is really not even remotely constructive. I think I need to get some of this out, though. There's certainly a time-bomb of sorts ticking away inside of me right now. ne that was recently brought to my attention via my dreams. (Yes, I am quite Freudian in my belief that Dreams are the key to unlocking the unconscious mind...Well, dreams and psychedelics, but thats a whole different train of thought) You see, I get really good at ignoring my emotions, particularly when I know that having them won't accomplish anything. The plus side of this is that I am very VERY rarely affected by them and can persevere through pretty much anything and come out of it seemingly untouched. The downside is that I really am affected by them, just not in any visible or even conscious way. Lets start with whats been going on in my life. I've been having alot of money trouble. Thankfully, Chance has been there to support me (emotionally and monetarily, the latter of which has done a significant amount of damage to my pride). The job situation has just been shit. The "real world" has been taking alot of pot-shots lately and have been catching me quite in the blind side. I finally have what looks like will be a fairly steady job, but there are sacrifices that need to be made that I'm a bit bitter about. Come to think of it, I'm pretty bitter about alot of things right now.
But I digress. Let's try another path. My dreams have been unusually vivid for the past couple months, which is useful and enjoyable, however, these exceedingly vivid dreams have been extremely violent and those that aren't are rife with symbolism and certain negative emotions that I'd rather not elaborate on too deeply. I suppose the point I'm trying to get across is that all is not well in the state of Denmark (to borrow from my friend Hamlet). Things are on the upswing, though, or so it seems, or I suppose that is what I hope and tell myself and my similarly affected Lover. When I analyze my dreams and listen to the voice in my head that whispers ever louder with every passing day (now that I no longer care to shut it up in its entirety for reasons that could end up saving my sanity in the end) I come to the same conclusion about my current mental/emotional state:
I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I have no money, that I owe Chance money, that in school I seem to be running in circles, that I cannot help Chance, that I cannot, that I cannot, that I cannot. The state of the world is becoming increasingly worse and reading about all the wars that are going on now and all the wars that are about to start and the incompetence and inherent evil of our current government and all the death and all the violence and all the hate and all the discrimination and all the stupidity and everything else just frustrates me even more because there is nothing I can do about it. We're all headed toward ruin and there isn't a damn thing I can do because I'm stuck in this fucking hamster wheel just like everyone else. I want to scream right now. I want to scream and be done, but that won't solve anything, won't help anything. I have to beg people for money so I can go to college and make less a year than my school costs. I have to work myself like a dog just to get some fucking credibility so I can work harder. I have to regress three to five years so I can earn a fucking degree that says I know how to do what I've been doing for two already.
My life is a well-ordered, over-planned, chaotic juggernaut that won't slow down for about two months, if it slows at all.
...Sara
But I digress. Let's try another path. My dreams have been unusually vivid for the past couple months, which is useful and enjoyable, however, these exceedingly vivid dreams have been extremely violent and those that aren't are rife with symbolism and certain negative emotions that I'd rather not elaborate on too deeply. I suppose the point I'm trying to get across is that all is not well in the state of Denmark (to borrow from my friend Hamlet). Things are on the upswing, though, or so it seems, or I suppose that is what I hope and tell myself and my similarly affected Lover. When I analyze my dreams and listen to the voice in my head that whispers ever louder with every passing day (now that I no longer care to shut it up in its entirety for reasons that could end up saving my sanity in the end) I come to the same conclusion about my current mental/emotional state:
I am frustrated. I am frustrated that I have no money, that I owe Chance money, that in school I seem to be running in circles, that I cannot help Chance, that I cannot, that I cannot, that I cannot. The state of the world is becoming increasingly worse and reading about all the wars that are going on now and all the wars that are about to start and the incompetence and inherent evil of our current government and all the death and all the violence and all the hate and all the discrimination and all the stupidity and everything else just frustrates me even more because there is nothing I can do about it. We're all headed toward ruin and there isn't a damn thing I can do because I'm stuck in this fucking hamster wheel just like everyone else. I want to scream right now. I want to scream and be done, but that won't solve anything, won't help anything. I have to beg people for money so I can go to college and make less a year than my school costs. I have to work myself like a dog just to get some fucking credibility so I can work harder. I have to regress three to five years so I can earn a fucking degree that says I know how to do what I've been doing for two already.
My life is a well-ordered, over-planned, chaotic juggernaut that won't slow down for about two months, if it slows at all.
...Sara