days like these i don't know what to do with myself
almost this entire week i have been cursing myself for not getting any work done, but just now, when i finished watching that episode of Mahou Shoujotai, i didn't go on to the next episode and just sat in the silence. and it's dark. and so, so very quiet. and my heart starts beating faster and i quickly play some music and look for something to read.
and i realize now, i haven't done anything this week, true, but i had avoided that night from happening again. if this is the only way i could stop shaking right now, then so be it, you know?
so here i am, reading, with light just from the paper lamp on the floor and a mug bitter coffee warm and soothing in my hands. somehow i know, something is telling me that it's over. it has to be over, soon. starting tomorrow i have to begin facing things again, and i'd better be ready if i didn't want another breakdown.
i'm fucking tired of breaking down.
it's like i'm some defective toy, or something... ahaha, is that not something Machi said in Fruits Basket? anyway, i am disgusted with this current me, that can't seem to function normally. usually it's fine because it doesn't matter if i function or not when i am all by myself, but right now it's really important for me to be able to get through like a normal person and i am failing even that. even one week, i can't even do that.
i guess am really a useless stone on a go board, after all. not even the sacrifice one has to make in order to gain something else. just a wasted move.
and i realize now, i haven't done anything this week, true, but i had avoided that night from happening again. if this is the only way i could stop shaking right now, then so be it, you know?
so here i am, reading, with light just from the paper lamp on the floor and a mug bitter coffee warm and soothing in my hands. somehow i know, something is telling me that it's over. it has to be over, soon. starting tomorrow i have to begin facing things again, and i'd better be ready if i didn't want another breakdown.
i'm fucking tired of breaking down.
it's like i'm some defective toy, or something... ahaha, is that not something Machi said in Fruits Basket? anyway, i am disgusted with this current me, that can't seem to function normally. usually it's fine because it doesn't matter if i function or not when i am all by myself, but right now it's really important for me to be able to get through like a normal person and i am failing even that. even one week, i can't even do that.
i guess am really a useless stone on a go board, after all. not even the sacrifice one has to make in order to gain something else. just a wasted move.