Six Impossible Things From the Harry Potter Universe (R)
Title: Six Impossible Things From the Harry Potter Universe
Pairings: Too many to list here (plus it would spoil the fun)
Rating: R
Prompt: 6 Impossible Things, Week 19 at fandom_fridays
Word Count: ~750
Warnings: Crack!Fic - you've been warned! Mentions of slash, femslash, tiny peens and non-canon pairings (and chatting up of a house elf).
Summary: Six things that are IMPOSSIBLE in the world of Harry Potter; they just CAN'T be.
A/N: Thanks to redheadsarehot for all the help and encouragement!
#1 Ron, the Death Eater
"So, Blood Traitor, you expect me to believe that you are turning your back on your entire family and everything they have stood for, for generations?" Voldemort hissed, his voice dripping with derision and disbelief.
"Er...uh, yeah," Ron squeaked.
"How do I know this isn't some trick by that fool Dumbledore?"
"I...I don't know." Ron hung his head and kicked at the dirt floor. "Reckon you'll just have to take my word for it."
"Your word? Oh, you foolish boy."
"Hey," Ron yelled, "I'm of age you know!" Ron resumed kicking the dirt, "I'm no 'boy,'" he grumbled.
"Tell me then Weasley, why are you really here?" Voldemort stared into Ron's eyes, reading the truth that lay behind them
"Well, you see, Draco bought these leather pants and now he's Harry's best mate and Hermione's in love with him, so someone has to be the bad guy. It was either me or Ginny and she didn't wanna get a tattoo so it had to be me." Ron rushed his explanation, hurrying to get it all out lest he lose his nerve.
"Sounds reasonable." Voldemort nodded his head in agreement before shouting, "Someone get the new bloke a mask!"
#2 Harry/Hermione
"I can't believe people really thought all that banter and sexual tension between you and Ron was actually going somewhere."
"I know," Hermione laughed. "Some people are so...delusional. Imagine thinking I'd want to spend my life with a tall, handsome, smart, passionate, witty, loyal, brave ginger when I could be with you, Harry. Absolutely delusional."
"I'm so glad I was able to find a girl to take care of me like a mother would."
"Oh, Harry! Now that I'm with you, I can dedicate my life to helping others and not have to worry about silly things like lust and sex diverting my attention."
Harry's emerald orbs gazed passionlessly into Hermione's chocolate eyes, as their dry chapped lips met in a chaste close-mouthed kiss.
Meanwhile, Ron was in the Room of Requirement covered in chocolate and the Patil twins.
#3 Ron/Draco
"There's nothing I want more than to feel the bloke who's hated me, my family and all we stand for deep inside me." Ron bent his knees so his cobalt blue eyes could meet Draco's grey ones. "Draco, you are a veela to me. Please, love me."
"What about Potter?" Draco asked reluctantly. "Or Granger," he growled.
"Forget about them, my platinum-haired Slytherin prince...they don't matter now. All that matters is us."
"Shall I cast the Lubricius, my weasel king?"
#4 Hermione, the Fashionable Whore
"Oh my God, Hermione!" Ginny squealed as walked into her room and discovered her friend wearing nothing but black Jimmy Choo stilettos, a red lace thong and Victoria's Secret push-up bra. "You look so hot!"
Hermione tossed her luxurious chestnut locks over he slender shoulders as she looked the petite redhead up and down, a gleam of lust in her eyes. "You're looking pretty good yourself, Gin. You know, I've had every one of your brother's this summer...I'd hate for you to feel left out, if you're interested."
Ginny blushed prettily and stammered, "I...I'd like that."
Hermione slipped on her Prada mini-dress and retouched her perfectly applied make-up, watching Ginny's reflection in her mirror. "I'm late for my foursome with Ron and the twins. How about you just wait naked for me in your bed?"
"Wicked!"
#5 Lucius Malfoy, House Elf Lover
"Thank you for the tea, Winky." Lucius Malfoy smiled at the rag-clad house elf with gratitude.
"Winky is happy to be serving Master Malfoy. Winky is very lucky to be in his service." The tiny elf genuflected at the feet of the blond Wizard.
"So Winky, are you doing anything tonight?" Lucius cocked an eyebrow and gave her a small smile. "Perhaps we could go out for a butterbeer and get to know each other better?"
"Will Master be bringing his cane?"
#6 Ron Being Anything Less Than Well-Endowed
"Oh, Ron."
"Oh, Hermione."
"Ron, please, I need you."
"Are you sure, Hermione? I don't want to hurt you."
"It's worth it to give myself to you. Please Ron, make me yours."
"..."
"Ron?"
"Hmmmm?"
"Are you going to put it in?"
"Um, I did."
"Oh. You're done?"
"Er, yeah..."
"Let me see that thing!"
"Hermione?"
"That's it? That's all there is? But-but, you're so tall, and your hands and feet are so big!"
"Wanna do it again?"
Pairings: Too many to list here (plus it would spoil the fun)
Rating: R
Prompt: 6 Impossible Things, Week 19 at fandom_fridays
Word Count: ~750
Warnings: Crack!Fic - you've been warned! Mentions of slash, femslash, tiny peens and non-canon pairings (and chatting up of a house elf).
Summary: Six things that are IMPOSSIBLE in the world of Harry Potter; they just CAN'T be.
A/N: Thanks to redheadsarehot for all the help and encouragement!
#1 Ron, the Death Eater
"So, Blood Traitor, you expect me to believe that you are turning your back on your entire family and everything they have stood for, for generations?" Voldemort hissed, his voice dripping with derision and disbelief.
"Er...uh, yeah," Ron squeaked.
"How do I know this isn't some trick by that fool Dumbledore?"
"I...I don't know." Ron hung his head and kicked at the dirt floor. "Reckon you'll just have to take my word for it."
"Your word? Oh, you foolish boy."
"Hey," Ron yelled, "I'm of age you know!" Ron resumed kicking the dirt, "I'm no 'boy,'" he grumbled.
"Tell me then Weasley, why are you really here?" Voldemort stared into Ron's eyes, reading the truth that lay behind them
"Well, you see, Draco bought these leather pants and now he's Harry's best mate and Hermione's in love with him, so someone has to be the bad guy. It was either me or Ginny and she didn't wanna get a tattoo so it had to be me." Ron rushed his explanation, hurrying to get it all out lest he lose his nerve.
"Sounds reasonable." Voldemort nodded his head in agreement before shouting, "Someone get the new bloke a mask!"
#2 Harry/Hermione
"I can't believe people really thought all that banter and sexual tension between you and Ron was actually going somewhere."
"I know," Hermione laughed. "Some people are so...delusional. Imagine thinking I'd want to spend my life with a tall, handsome, smart, passionate, witty, loyal, brave ginger when I could be with you, Harry. Absolutely delusional."
"I'm so glad I was able to find a girl to take care of me like a mother would."
"Oh, Harry! Now that I'm with you, I can dedicate my life to helping others and not have to worry about silly things like lust and sex diverting my attention."
Harry's emerald orbs gazed passionlessly into Hermione's chocolate eyes, as their dry chapped lips met in a chaste close-mouthed kiss.
Meanwhile, Ron was in the Room of Requirement covered in chocolate and the Patil twins.
#3 Ron/Draco
"There's nothing I want more than to feel the bloke who's hated me, my family and all we stand for deep inside me." Ron bent his knees so his cobalt blue eyes could meet Draco's grey ones. "Draco, you are a veela to me. Please, love me."
"What about Potter?" Draco asked reluctantly. "Or Granger," he growled.
"Forget about them, my platinum-haired Slytherin prince...they don't matter now. All that matters is us."
"Shall I cast the Lubricius, my weasel king?"
#4 Hermione, the Fashionable Whore
"Oh my God, Hermione!" Ginny squealed as walked into her room and discovered her friend wearing nothing but black Jimmy Choo stilettos, a red lace thong and Victoria's Secret push-up bra. "You look so hot!"
Hermione tossed her luxurious chestnut locks over he slender shoulders as she looked the petite redhead up and down, a gleam of lust in her eyes. "You're looking pretty good yourself, Gin. You know, I've had every one of your brother's this summer...I'd hate for you to feel left out, if you're interested."
Ginny blushed prettily and stammered, "I...I'd like that."
Hermione slipped on her Prada mini-dress and retouched her perfectly applied make-up, watching Ginny's reflection in her mirror. "I'm late for my foursome with Ron and the twins. How about you just wait naked for me in your bed?"
"Wicked!"
#5 Lucius Malfoy, House Elf Lover
"Thank you for the tea, Winky." Lucius Malfoy smiled at the rag-clad house elf with gratitude.
"Winky is happy to be serving Master Malfoy. Winky is very lucky to be in his service." The tiny elf genuflected at the feet of the blond Wizard.
"So Winky, are you doing anything tonight?" Lucius cocked an eyebrow and gave her a small smile. "Perhaps we could go out for a butterbeer and get to know each other better?"
"Will Master be bringing his cane?"
#6 Ron Being Anything Less Than Well-Endowed
"Oh, Ron."
"Oh, Hermione."
"Ron, please, I need you."
"Are you sure, Hermione? I don't want to hurt you."
"It's worth it to give myself to you. Please Ron, make me yours."
"..."
"Ron?"
"Hmmmm?"
"Are you going to put it in?"
"Um, I did."
"Oh. You're done?"
"Er, yeah..."
"Let me see that thing!"
"Hermione?"
"That's it? That's all there is? But-but, you're so tall, and your hands and feet are so big!"
"Wanna do it again?"