(no subject)
Jenny and I . . . just broke up.
Gosh, where to begin . . . first of all, I should say that I was the one who did the breaking up. I was the one who ended the relationship. Right now, I feel like the most horrible person on the face of the planet, but at the same time, I feel . . . numb, I guess is the right word.
This is something I've been struggling with for a few weeks now, and tonight, I finally worked up the courage to tell Jenny that I don't think I'm in love with her anymore. I mean, I think she is an amazing person and the past two years that I've spent being her lover have been beyond wonderful. But lately, probably the past month or so, I just look at her and . . . feel nothing. No love, no passion, no desire, no . . . nothing. I'm completely numb.
And I've tried, I have. And there have been times when I think I'm feeling something again, but that's never really the case. We haven't touched each other (sexually) in over a month now, because I have no desire to touch her. I've tried, twice, and both times . . . I think it's going to be okay and then it's not. For example, last night, I invited her into my bed. We were making out, and I was actually kind of excited . . . and then we sort of broke apart to breathe (like you do when you're making out) and suddenly I was just disgusted at the thought of kissing her again. I went completely stiff and couldn't even look at her . . . I just wanted her to go away. It's bizarre. And the last two times we did have sex, the same thing happened. I was completely turned off the entire time we were doing it, and afterwards I wanted to vomit. I can't explain it.
Granted, sex isn't everything in a relationship, but this is happening in more than that area. At this point, just being in the same room as her inspires no fond feelings whatsoever.
I felt awful telling her all this, I truly truly did. I've never seen her cry as hard as she did.
I think a lot of this has to do with me. I am in a bad place, psychologically speaking, right now. I'm disappointed in myself. I have been all semester. I'm disappointed in my lack of determination when it comes to my diet--disappointed in the fact that I'm still stuck at having lost only 10 pounds. And I'm disappointed in myself as a Hastings employee, because I just don't feel like I'm being as good a worker as I could be. And I'm disappointed in myself as a student; I've lost all my academic drive this semester, I miss classes left and right, I've gotten mediocre grades on my papers and tests and quizzes in my classes, and I just hate myself for it. I'm just really angry at myself right now, and I have been for a long time. I'm full of self hatred. So maybe what I need is just to be single for a while, maybe what I need is time alone to focus on myself and fixing my own problems. It's hard to do that when, on top of everyting, you're trying to manage a relationship as well.
I can't think anymore. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm going to go to bed, and hopefully, in the morning, Jenny will have stopped crying and we can at least try and have a normal day, as just friends.
Gosh, where to begin . . . first of all, I should say that I was the one who did the breaking up. I was the one who ended the relationship. Right now, I feel like the most horrible person on the face of the planet, but at the same time, I feel . . . numb, I guess is the right word.
This is something I've been struggling with for a few weeks now, and tonight, I finally worked up the courage to tell Jenny that I don't think I'm in love with her anymore. I mean, I think she is an amazing person and the past two years that I've spent being her lover have been beyond wonderful. But lately, probably the past month or so, I just look at her and . . . feel nothing. No love, no passion, no desire, no . . . nothing. I'm completely numb.
And I've tried, I have. And there have been times when I think I'm feeling something again, but that's never really the case. We haven't touched each other (sexually) in over a month now, because I have no desire to touch her. I've tried, twice, and both times . . . I think it's going to be okay and then it's not. For example, last night, I invited her into my bed. We were making out, and I was actually kind of excited . . . and then we sort of broke apart to breathe (like you do when you're making out) and suddenly I was just disgusted at the thought of kissing her again. I went completely stiff and couldn't even look at her . . . I just wanted her to go away. It's bizarre. And the last two times we did have sex, the same thing happened. I was completely turned off the entire time we were doing it, and afterwards I wanted to vomit. I can't explain it.
Granted, sex isn't everything in a relationship, but this is happening in more than that area. At this point, just being in the same room as her inspires no fond feelings whatsoever.
I felt awful telling her all this, I truly truly did. I've never seen her cry as hard as she did.
I think a lot of this has to do with me. I am in a bad place, psychologically speaking, right now. I'm disappointed in myself. I have been all semester. I'm disappointed in my lack of determination when it comes to my diet--disappointed in the fact that I'm still stuck at having lost only 10 pounds. And I'm disappointed in myself as a Hastings employee, because I just don't feel like I'm being as good a worker as I could be. And I'm disappointed in myself as a student; I've lost all my academic drive this semester, I miss classes left and right, I've gotten mediocre grades on my papers and tests and quizzes in my classes, and I just hate myself for it. I'm just really angry at myself right now, and I have been for a long time. I'm full of self hatred. So maybe what I need is just to be single for a while, maybe what I need is time alone to focus on myself and fixing my own problems. It's hard to do that when, on top of everyting, you're trying to manage a relationship as well.
I can't think anymore. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm going to go to bed, and hopefully, in the morning, Jenny will have stopped crying and we can at least try and have a normal day, as just friends.