the end of something good
Six months ago I started one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I finally embarked on a (what semmed to be endless at the time) journey with another person. All I could think of was him and I wanted to be near him all the time. Gradually he became that way compulsively and left me with no chase. I began to realize that he wanted so much more (well different things) out of life but I was so attatched. He knows everything about me. He tells me how beautiful he thinks I am (I don't get that very often) and how much he loves me. He can even say this with a touch. It's a wonderful feeling. He wants a family with 4 kids and a dog here in minnesota. He loves sports and even though I don't want any of those things I thought that it wouldn't matter. I even thought that I could get over the fact that he eats meat and I am a vegan. I thought maybe I could talk him into not having children and not getting married and moving to san diego. I thought that maybe if he hung with me long enough he wouldn't like to watch sports on TV anymore. I began to realize that it was wrong of me to think that but I couldn't help but care about him so damn much. He told me he'd change anything I wanted him to. But I think that would be so selfish of me to ask him to change all those huge things. And selfish for me to ask him to give up having any children. He says that if that's what it takes to keep me he'll do it but I feel like later he will resent me for making him change and it will blow up in our faces. I told him that and it was over and he was 2000 miles away in las vegas on vacation. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it was already over. I feel horible for doing it over the phone in the middle of his vacation but he was cornering me, saying that I didn't love him as much anymore so I told him we were fooling ourselves to think that we could last. He came back from vegas today and we went to the drive in. Then when we got back we hugged and cried and tried to get some closure. Even though I know it wouldn't work out I feel so empty thinking that he wont hold me anymore. I feel more alone than ever, like I've lost my best friend. I keep thinking that I should just pretend nothing was wrong and get back together. Is it better to separate or stay together knowing that it may hurt more later? I think that if we did get back together the thought of me depriving him of something he wants would always be at the back of my mind, keeping me from giving him all I have. I went outside after he left here and just stared at the empty spot where his car had been and just wondered if it could ever be filled again.