possibly, the worst christmas.
Disclaimer:
Ok. well it's been a really shitty day, and an especially shitty christmas day, and now i'm in that self analytical mode i get in where i go into heavy thinking about everything, and put myself in further depression. So if you don't want to read, ok. but i need to talk/write/what the fuck ever you wanna call livejournal.
So. I fucking hate this time of year. I hate pretty much most family oriented holidays. I don't hate them because they promote false ideas or anything like that. In fact, i can't say that i hate them. They just don't have the effect it has on most people. For most people, they have big family dinners, stuff like that, and do stuff. Sometimes, they complain that they hate having all they're annoying cousins and stuff, but deep down, they know they love them. Well for me, christmas says a few things. One, that my family is still more disconnected than they should. I don't even know the last time i talked to my dads side of the family. Can't stand them, but they are family. And i thinks it's really sad that not even a christmas call goes from us to them. I'm in michigan for my friends that dont know. Me, my sister, my parents, and my grandmother who lives with us, are the only ones out there. My dads side lives in mississippi, and my mothers mostly in jersey. Her side isn't that big, at least not the ones i know. My dad's is huge, and we don't talkto them. So i call some people to see how they are doing and such, and of course they can't talk now cause they are at a family function, or doing somthing important. And of course, i can't blame them. thats what christmas is for. It just makes me see even more what im not doing, and how i don't wanna be when i grow up. My wife, whoever she is, hopefullywill have good relations with her family, cause christmas for me gets steadily worse every year.
Now as for specifics, well my mother and grandmother fight a lot, mostly out of frustration. My grandmother is literally starting to lost her mind. Not seeing things or anything, but just she can't focus and things like that. Won't go into details. Well its frustrating for my parents to take care of her, because it's just so much stress. We all love her, but after 10 years, my parents aree physically running out of energy and resources to keep doing this. So my mother and grandmother both went at it again this morning. As usual, and somehow, they both ended up just both having like a nervous breakdown. and my mom is a very very strong person, its rare for her to break down like that. So that started off the day to damper. Well then gift exchange lasted all of 5 minutes. i almost can't belive how fast it went. as soon as it was over, everybody went back to doing thier own thing. After that, i really pissed my dad off with a fucking huge mistake i made. I wont go into details, but lets just say i owe him a lot of money right about now. money that was supposed to be shopping money for me and my sister next week, cause we do a lot of shopping after christmas. Well now, yea. a lot of its gone. i don't even deserve to get anything after this shit i accidentally pulled. whatever. So my aunt calls, to wish us all merry christmas and such, and she's headed to my cousins house where everyone is this christmas. everyone but us. again. Yea, it sucks. So whatever, that was my day. thats why i'm pissed, and thats why i...well. you'll see soon enough i suppose...
However, Anni did manage to make me smile a little bit. I know things are hard for her, cause she's leaving in a week again. thanks anni. and i know some people will say, "well jay, be grateful that you have somthing. there are many people who don't have anything. no presents. no family. no nothing." well i agree, i do feel for those people. but i'm not those people, so as much as i hope things get better for them, in the end, it comes down to what did you do for yourself over the course of your life time. And i'm not happy. At all. at least not right now. i hate not having family around when i need them, i hate being separated, i hate the thought that might end up poor like my parents, always stuggling to keep me and my sis in good schools, trying to keep thier head above the water and having to fight a battle everyday...sure life itself is a battle, but it doesn't have to be an uphill one.
What a horrible day...somebody rescue me. It's weird, as a kid, you want some presents, and it to just "be christmas" because of the idea of the whole day. but as i've gotten older, it just hasn't been a good day of the year for me. i just get depressed. whatever. if i keep going, i'm just gonna get myself into a deeper funk, and i'll start repeating myself. somtimes, i hate my life...
But in all serious, i hope this doesn't get other people down. I just needed to vent. I hope everyone had a great chirstmas, and if your in michigan, i hope to see you before i leace, and for my drexel people, can't wait to see you. Peace.Thanks again Anni.
Jay
And oh yea, of course if you know me, i relate absolutley everything to music. so here's a song. pretty much true cept i'm not stoned.
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned
I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
Who said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing her down
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned
Grasping to control
So I better hold on
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned
~Green Day, Basket Case
Ok. well it's been a really shitty day, and an especially shitty christmas day, and now i'm in that self analytical mode i get in where i go into heavy thinking about everything, and put myself in further depression. So if you don't want to read, ok. but i need to talk/write/what the fuck ever you wanna call livejournal.
So. I fucking hate this time of year. I hate pretty much most family oriented holidays. I don't hate them because they promote false ideas or anything like that. In fact, i can't say that i hate them. They just don't have the effect it has on most people. For most people, they have big family dinners, stuff like that, and do stuff. Sometimes, they complain that they hate having all they're annoying cousins and stuff, but deep down, they know they love them. Well for me, christmas says a few things. One, that my family is still more disconnected than they should. I don't even know the last time i talked to my dads side of the family. Can't stand them, but they are family. And i thinks it's really sad that not even a christmas call goes from us to them. I'm in michigan for my friends that dont know. Me, my sister, my parents, and my grandmother who lives with us, are the only ones out there. My dads side lives in mississippi, and my mothers mostly in jersey. Her side isn't that big, at least not the ones i know. My dad's is huge, and we don't talkto them. So i call some people to see how they are doing and such, and of course they can't talk now cause they are at a family function, or doing somthing important. And of course, i can't blame them. thats what christmas is for. It just makes me see even more what im not doing, and how i don't wanna be when i grow up. My wife, whoever she is, hopefullywill have good relations with her family, cause christmas for me gets steadily worse every year.
Now as for specifics, well my mother and grandmother fight a lot, mostly out of frustration. My grandmother is literally starting to lost her mind. Not seeing things or anything, but just she can't focus and things like that. Won't go into details. Well its frustrating for my parents to take care of her, because it's just so much stress. We all love her, but after 10 years, my parents aree physically running out of energy and resources to keep doing this. So my mother and grandmother both went at it again this morning. As usual, and somehow, they both ended up just both having like a nervous breakdown. and my mom is a very very strong person, its rare for her to break down like that. So that started off the day to damper. Well then gift exchange lasted all of 5 minutes. i almost can't belive how fast it went. as soon as it was over, everybody went back to doing thier own thing. After that, i really pissed my dad off with a fucking huge mistake i made. I wont go into details, but lets just say i owe him a lot of money right about now. money that was supposed to be shopping money for me and my sister next week, cause we do a lot of shopping after christmas. Well now, yea. a lot of its gone. i don't even deserve to get anything after this shit i accidentally pulled. whatever. So my aunt calls, to wish us all merry christmas and such, and she's headed to my cousins house where everyone is this christmas. everyone but us. again. Yea, it sucks. So whatever, that was my day. thats why i'm pissed, and thats why i...well. you'll see soon enough i suppose...
However, Anni did manage to make me smile a little bit. I know things are hard for her, cause she's leaving in a week again. thanks anni. and i know some people will say, "well jay, be grateful that you have somthing. there are many people who don't have anything. no presents. no family. no nothing." well i agree, i do feel for those people. but i'm not those people, so as much as i hope things get better for them, in the end, it comes down to what did you do for yourself over the course of your life time. And i'm not happy. At all. at least not right now. i hate not having family around when i need them, i hate being separated, i hate the thought that might end up poor like my parents, always stuggling to keep me and my sis in good schools, trying to keep thier head above the water and having to fight a battle everyday...sure life itself is a battle, but it doesn't have to be an uphill one.
What a horrible day...somebody rescue me. It's weird, as a kid, you want some presents, and it to just "be christmas" because of the idea of the whole day. but as i've gotten older, it just hasn't been a good day of the year for me. i just get depressed. whatever. if i keep going, i'm just gonna get myself into a deeper funk, and i'll start repeating myself. somtimes, i hate my life...
But in all serious, i hope this doesn't get other people down. I just needed to vent. I hope everyone had a great chirstmas, and if your in michigan, i hope to see you before i leace, and for my drexel people, can't wait to see you. Peace.Thanks again Anni.
Jay
And oh yea, of course if you know me, i relate absolutley everything to music. so here's a song. pretty much true cept i'm not stoned.
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned
I went to a shrink
To analyze my dreams
She says it's lack of sex
That's bringing me down
I went to a whore
Who said my life's a bore
So quit my whining cause
It's bringing her down
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned
Grasping to control
So I better hold on
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up
Am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned
~Green Day, Basket Case