(no subject)
Ok... I talked to Tina's sister last night. She called and we talked for a little while about... autopsy photos and things of the nature I am not mentally good to hear. I told her about "how I am" right now when she asked me. You know, I thought I was within the "normal" range until I found out that I'm not.
I made a bunch of phone calls Friday about my insurance and finding a counselor or psychiatrist. May I say this? I am terrified that they will KEEP me. Can they keep me if I don't want to be kept?
I want to go back to my old life. I mean, it was never "care free", but there was a time I did what I wanted and didn't worry about things. I didn't care about too much, and you know what? It felt fucking fantastic. Now I'm just such a spaz... I'm a god damned psycho. I have left my house for minimal time periods over the past three months. I'm paranoid. I'm afraid. Not even of just the dark... just of people. I'm afraid of everyone.
I'm afraid of driving past where she was found, I get ill when I see the signs of places we went or where she lived. I get sick thinking about going outside now - even just to my car. It's like I RUN to my car and lock the doors....
No one asks me how I am. I know people will say they do... like my mom said this yesterday cause after I talked to Robin I talked to her for a few minutes. I told her "no one asks me how I am" - and that bothers me... is that wrong?
Do people not ask cuz they don't want to get into the subject of a murdered, raped and morbidly beaten girl? Good, cuz I don't want to talk about it either. I haven't said hardly a word about it to anyone. I keep it all inside and it consumes me. It fucking CONSUMES me from the inside out.
So I lost like 15 lbs cuz I don't eat. I just lay there. When I watch TV, it's hard to even do that... things come on the screen about murder or a girl screams or something, I can't fucking handle it. I can't. I'm a mess. Are they going to admit me?!?
I am going to make my final arrangements tomorrow. I hope they don't admit me.
I made a bunch of phone calls Friday about my insurance and finding a counselor or psychiatrist. May I say this? I am terrified that they will KEEP me. Can they keep me if I don't want to be kept?
I want to go back to my old life. I mean, it was never "care free", but there was a time I did what I wanted and didn't worry about things. I didn't care about too much, and you know what? It felt fucking fantastic. Now I'm just such a spaz... I'm a god damned psycho. I have left my house for minimal time periods over the past three months. I'm paranoid. I'm afraid. Not even of just the dark... just of people. I'm afraid of everyone.
I'm afraid of driving past where she was found, I get ill when I see the signs of places we went or where she lived. I get sick thinking about going outside now - even just to my car. It's like I RUN to my car and lock the doors....
No one asks me how I am. I know people will say they do... like my mom said this yesterday cause after I talked to Robin I talked to her for a few minutes. I told her "no one asks me how I am" - and that bothers me... is that wrong?
Do people not ask cuz they don't want to get into the subject of a murdered, raped and morbidly beaten girl? Good, cuz I don't want to talk about it either. I haven't said hardly a word about it to anyone. I keep it all inside and it consumes me. It fucking CONSUMES me from the inside out.
So I lost like 15 lbs cuz I don't eat. I just lay there. When I watch TV, it's hard to even do that... things come on the screen about murder or a girl screams or something, I can't fucking handle it. I can't. I'm a mess. Are they going to admit me?!?
I am going to make my final arrangements tomorrow. I hope they don't admit me.