Tired Ramblings.......
I think the thing I want more than anything is to know what I want. I'm sick and tired of being confused. I'm always pulled in different directions of all aspects it seems. My life is the same CD on repeat. The same 10 songs over and over. I want to listen to something else but all the other cd cases are empty and I go to the store and only have enough money to buy 1 cd but can't decide on what I want and then I end up with something with only 2 good songs on it and the whole cycle repeats itself. I'm turning 25 soon. Does this mean I'm a grown up now? I certainly don't feel like it. Sometimes it seems like I'm still waiting to be validated. Only I'm not sure exactly what that means. Does it mean doing things that are expected of me that don't really make me. I lived with my mother untill I was 21. It was like I had to wait for her to tell me I was ready to leave. I kept dreaming about "someday" like it was just going to magically happen. But it doesn't. Everything that has led up to this very moment was so completely random. It's funny how one event in someone's life can make such a huge impact on someone elses life. I was suppose to move in with Jeannie and David when I was 21. I had already quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend, half my stuff was over there, I was going there every weekend. The very weekend that was to be my last at my job at Rite Aid and was going to move there full time. Something happened. I can't talk about it on here but a bad decision was made somewhere. That residence was no longer an option to move into. Something that had nothing to do with me ended up having everything to do with how that last 4 years of my life have turned out. I ended up crashing with my friend Jason in San Luis Obispo and I ended up staying there. It wasn't always easy but it eventually felt like home. I made some very close friends that I will love for the rest of my life. No matter what happens. And for the last 2 years I've been in the Navy. I don't know what life in 2 years is going to be like. Can I just go back? How much has it changed? Will I have changed? How much? What about my friends I've made here in the Navy. There's a commaderie among us that you can only understand if you've served. How will that effect me when I'm a civilian again? I never realized I could get this homesick. For the first time in my life I actually miss people. I've made some horrible decisions that have had some pretty terrible outcomes. I just hope I don't keep making the same mistakes. Changing one's habbits are not easy. Happiness is something very scarce and hard to come by in my life and I just have to remember that it is not something I can sacrifice. There is no need to punish myself. I think I've done enough of that. 2009 is going to be a long lonely year.....is it 2010 yet?