Severing The Umbilical Cord
Children can always sense what their parents are feeling. It never changes. As a child of depressed parent it is very hard to find and sustain happiness. My mother has always been unhappy. She's been depressed for as long as I can remember. She's had a hard life. She had a critical father, a chaotic childhood, two disappointing marriages, and has suffered the horrible loss of her son (my brother) John. She has trouble with her finances. She's in debt. She feels unwell a lot. She has low self-esteem. She has trouble maintaining friendships. She moves, or they move. She always loses touch with her friends. She's afraid of everything. She rarely finishes anything she starts. She may be laid off soon, as many Americans jobs are in jeapordy at the moment, she has yet to make a plan of what she will do if she loses her job. She's refusing to talk about it or think about it. She's hiding from reality. I took a good hard look at myself about six months ago and realize that I also have a lot of the "qualities" I just mentioned. We moved around so much that the only stable influences I had were of my mother and sister. My sister has been more responsible than my mother. Sandra took care of me. She took me places. She hung out with me. She cooked me dinner. She made sure I did my homework. But then something terrible happened the summer before 7th grade: Sandra moved out. I did not want her to go. I did not want me to be left alone with our mother. I felt lost when Sandra left. I didn't know what to do. I had always wanted to be just like her, and when she left I didn't know who to be. I fell into an extreme depression. I failed my classes. All through Junior High and High School. I was miserable. To do the work I had to do, in my mind, took so much energy that I just chose to ignore reality. Gee, I wonder where I learned that from. Sandra was no longer around to take care of me, and make sure I do what I needed to do. My mother had to commute to San Francisco from Santa Rosa for work. I rarely saw her. When she was home she was too tired and depressed to deal with me. Not that I made trouble. I hybernated in my room. I never got detention. I never got into fights. So as far as she could tell nothing was wrong. Because I was failing in school I had no choice but to drop out. I didn't want to stay behind to make up the work. I would have had to make up most of it. So I dropped out and the shame and regret still haunt me. For the first two years after I dropped out, I didn't do anything. I stayed at home and watched TV. I only saw my friends every so often. I didn't even have my drivers license yet so I was still confined to the house/apartment/ wherever we happened to be living at the moment. I was so miserable. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I was carrying around the weight of the world. I felt like the biggest loser in the world. Then one day I just said " I'm getting my drivers license". I called the DMV and made an appointment. I got my drivers license when I was 19. Right after that I got a job at Rite Aid. Just getting out and going to work helped me. I saved up some money and then I bought a car right when I turned 20. I was then able to visit my friends, not as often as I'd like, but I got to get out every now and then. I started dating Travis. I stayed over at his house all the time. I think it was a way for me to be away from home. I was using it as a way to be more independent from my mother. I was getting use to being "on my own" because I was rarely ever home. I started wanting more. I wanted more than still living with my mother and working at Rite Aid. I also wanted to have a more meaningful relationship and I realized I couldn't have that with Travis. I went camping about 6 months ago. I got away from everything. It was then that I started to see things so clearly. I realzed that I couldn't just wait around forever. Life isn't something that just happens to you. Life is what you make of it. Sitting around doing nothing is just waisting it. I was going to move in with Jeannie and David but that plan got scrapped. I didn't know what to do. I just put in my notice at work and had broken up with Travis. Then I remembered that my friend Jason said that if any of his friends ever needed to stay with him that the could. I called him and asked him if I could stay with him and he said ok. So I came to San Luis Obispo. I got my GED. I got a job. I took over his spot in the apartment when he graduated from Cal Poly. For the first time I am truely on my own. You would think that this makes me happy. It does....about half of the time. Because I was so unhappy for so long it tends to sneak up on me. When things are going well I dont trust that it will last because I think of unhappiness as my natural state of being, and I have to remind myself that it doesn't have to be that way. My mothers saddness is not mine. The feelings of unworthiness still hit me like a ton of bricks at times too. Then I remember where I am. I have achieved some success. I still have a ways to go but the important thing is that I am on my way to getting better. I plan on going to college. I want to study english lit. I want to also study music, and languages. I also want to go to college to make up for not graduating High School. I want a ceremony. A legitimate one. I want to feel that sense of accomplishment. I had to leave my mother's unhappy influence because I saw so many things in myself that were in her. They were not things I liked. It may be mean of me. I feel guilty for leaving her, but I knew I could not get better if I stayed with her. I needed a clean slate. Now I have one and it's an exciting and scary thing to have. Whatever I do now is of my own doing and choice. I can't blame things on my mother any more. I have to take responsibility for my own life and actions. I have to listen to my own voice and follow my own heart. I can do that here. I can do that without my mother here to warn me how awful and dangerous things are. I notice that my periods of happiness last longer than they use to. I still have a lot more to deal with. I have so much more to learn. About life, and most of all, about myself. And it's only away from my mother that I am able to do that. I just wish I didn't still have to worry about her unhappiness. The child worries about the parent. Oh, how the tables have turned.