Well then...
Hi there, journal. How are you? I've neglected you for so long, and for that I apologize. Let's be honest, though...I never posted anything of real depth in your internet pages. I posted what I wanted other people to see, keeping up with the Jones' and all that.
Well, fuck that. I'm a different person now, as I should be. I look back on my old entries with a little embarrassment, and the realization that the person that I was then was in training to be the person that I am now. I harbor no illusions; I am still a work in progress, and I suspect I always will be. I've long believed that people who become satisfied with who they are, are lying to themselves to justify the circumstances that they surrender to. I strive for balance; to love myself, yet to never be satisfied with the person that I am.
So, what brings me back to a place that I haven't posted at in 3 years? I have a lover, and she is amazing. On a whim, I curiously loaded up her livejournal page and was awestruck with the tenacity and brutal honesty of her posts. Silly me, as if I could forget...it's why I love her. Raw emotion drips from every word she writes. I'm sure some of those words are for me, at least my ego hopes so. Good and bad, I pine for her attention. It's silly, of course. We share in private what would never be posted on this site, what would never need to be posted. And yet, I find some satisfaction in seeing her thoughts splashed on a page, as if it gives them some kind of credibility that was otherwise lacking.
I suppose I'm curious. I'm curious if I can release some of my emotion, even if it's a slow leak, onto the page. It's weird for me. I've spent a lot of my life trying very hard to hide the way I feel from people. I tell myself that I prefer to handle my business in house. What it really is, though, is a fear of being judged. I don't tell people what's really going on in my head because I'm generally not interested in their feedback. People like to hear themselves talk, myself probably more than anyone. I have a hard time listening and not automatically giving opinion, so how could I hold anyone else to a higher standard?
I even held a lot back from my Mom, God rest her soul. It's a big regret of mine. I took the coward's way out on a general basis...choosing to stay silent, rather than risk a lecture. My Mom was usually right, but she was also usually safe. She loved me and only wanted the best for my life, but I hate when people want me to take the safe route. My Mom was no exception. She knew it, I'm sure. I wish I could go back and form a more intimate relationship with her. What we had was a relationship based on uncontained, mutual respect. What I wanted, and foolishly was too prideful to forge, was a relationship where it wasn't out of the ordinary for me to put my head on my mom's lap and spill every bit of emotional minutia. It's too late now, of course, and I've made peace with it. Taking care of your dieing mother is the most intimate act you can perform, right?
Anyway, now I'm in a stream-of-conscious rant. I don't know if I'll post here regularly. I don't know if it will make me feel better, even if I do. What I do know is that I have an inspiring lover who pushes me to be a better, more open person, to let who I am on the inside show a little bit more often. So, I will take another step out of my cocoon. It's the least I can do to try to improve.
Well, fuck that. I'm a different person now, as I should be. I look back on my old entries with a little embarrassment, and the realization that the person that I was then was in training to be the person that I am now. I harbor no illusions; I am still a work in progress, and I suspect I always will be. I've long believed that people who become satisfied with who they are, are lying to themselves to justify the circumstances that they surrender to. I strive for balance; to love myself, yet to never be satisfied with the person that I am.
So, what brings me back to a place that I haven't posted at in 3 years? I have a lover, and she is amazing. On a whim, I curiously loaded up her livejournal page and was awestruck with the tenacity and brutal honesty of her posts. Silly me, as if I could forget...it's why I love her. Raw emotion drips from every word she writes. I'm sure some of those words are for me, at least my ego hopes so. Good and bad, I pine for her attention. It's silly, of course. We share in private what would never be posted on this site, what would never need to be posted. And yet, I find some satisfaction in seeing her thoughts splashed on a page, as if it gives them some kind of credibility that was otherwise lacking.
I suppose I'm curious. I'm curious if I can release some of my emotion, even if it's a slow leak, onto the page. It's weird for me. I've spent a lot of my life trying very hard to hide the way I feel from people. I tell myself that I prefer to handle my business in house. What it really is, though, is a fear of being judged. I don't tell people what's really going on in my head because I'm generally not interested in their feedback. People like to hear themselves talk, myself probably more than anyone. I have a hard time listening and not automatically giving opinion, so how could I hold anyone else to a higher standard?
I even held a lot back from my Mom, God rest her soul. It's a big regret of mine. I took the coward's way out on a general basis...choosing to stay silent, rather than risk a lecture. My Mom was usually right, but she was also usually safe. She loved me and only wanted the best for my life, but I hate when people want me to take the safe route. My Mom was no exception. She knew it, I'm sure. I wish I could go back and form a more intimate relationship with her. What we had was a relationship based on uncontained, mutual respect. What I wanted, and foolishly was too prideful to forge, was a relationship where it wasn't out of the ordinary for me to put my head on my mom's lap and spill every bit of emotional minutia. It's too late now, of course, and I've made peace with it. Taking care of your dieing mother is the most intimate act you can perform, right?
Anyway, now I'm in a stream-of-conscious rant. I don't know if I'll post here regularly. I don't know if it will make me feel better, even if I do. What I do know is that I have an inspiring lover who pushes me to be a better, more open person, to let who I am on the inside show a little bit more often. So, I will take another step out of my cocoon. It's the least I can do to try to improve.