Shadows of Self - My shadow is........Me.
"Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
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When I walk down the street on a sunny day I see my shadow walking right along with me. It knew my past, my present, and what I would do ( Read more... )
- Even though I didn't edit for grammar (as you asked), I would highly recommend that you proofread your story again for spelling errors and missing/incorrect punctuation. I ran into several spelling mistakes that tended to detract from the reading.
- "love for my family, passion for my love" is awkward with the repetition of "love." Perhaps find a better way to phrase this. Also, the following phrase "wishful thinking with my friends, and ideas and wishes" runs into the same issue.
- While I'm not jumping on the PC bandwagon, the word "retard" seems a bit too blunt compared to the poetic feel of the rest of your story. You use very flowery, rhythmic language throughout, and all of a sudden this word pops up and jars me out of the story. Perhaps find a better word that isn't quite so forceful.
- I like that you mention the fact that you share inside jokes with your friends, but if you mention just the punchline of the joke, we as readers don't get to share in the humor. I would like to see an explanation of the joke like you did with Scruffy; you included me as a reader in your world, and it really made me feel like part of the story. Also, why did you Italicize your description of Scruffy? I didn't really think it necessary to call attention to that particular detail.
- "pencils in all the quotes that I will know and love for the rest of my life" is a beautiful line; I really liked this.
- "It knows my very strong relationship I had [with] my friends." But I don't get to see this relationship. Your story involves a lot of telling, but very little showing. Stories like your confrontation with your father and you and your friends laughing over Scruffy show me more than you could tell me about your relationships with these people. I want to see more concrete details and scenarios, not just explanations. Bring me into your world. The story about your father is especially poignant and really draws me in; more like this, please.
- "It knows all of the song lyrics that explain my life, and the poems that embrace the . . . thoughts inside my head. It [could] repeat the same exact[...] movement of my hand when I drew or painted something that looked exactly the way I felt." This is awesome; the language here is absolutely fantastic. Corrections in brackets.
- In your last paragraph, you're overdoing it a bit with the "My shadow is me" motif. If you show me enough examples of how you interact with your shadow, I'll pick up on this without needing a prompt. Also, the recipe analogy doesn't really seem to fit here for some reason; it may just be my personal preference.
- You pick a very interesting quote to end with; your spin on the words was not the one originally intended (I always viewed it as a love song), but it definitely fits with the shadow idea. It's nice to see a new spin!
I think if you showed more in this story, you could make it a lot stronger, though I very much like the examples you've already given. Try not to summarize your message so much; not trying to beat a dead horse, but if you really show me your relationship with your friends and family and shadow, I'll get the message by the end. Keep at it!
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