Heavy
The defintion of a heavy heart is that one's heart is weighed down by emotions. Emotions that take toll on one's thoughts, feelings, dreams, nightmires, and attitude. However can one defintion, and one sentence describe the way a heavy heart must feel. Is it just that one's heart is put under emotion stress, or is there more behind the story? Is there such a way to describe the way one must have to feel for their heart to come heavy? Or is it different in every story, every life, every person?
From what I have known my entire life, from what I have been taught you are never to carry around a heavy heart. You are always to put on a smile, and act like you have a free heart. When the true reality of it is that you are dying inside. Dying to just shead one tear to let people know that no "I'm not alright, I'm broken inside". Dying to show people that you are an actual human being that doesn't walk around like some crazed Barney mask always smiling, but to show people that all the emotional pain that you have put aside for so long is becoming unbearable to live with.
The first time I was taught to put on a free heart was when I was only 8 years old. I had just turned 8, and it seemed like the whole world was turning for me. Nothing could stop me. At least that's what I thought. After a day of crazy activity at a local elementary school to which I attended I came home with more excitment then ever before. Although the sugar from the cupcakes I brought to school that day probably was about 75% percent of the excitment in me. I had a pile of presents waiting for me when I entered the front door of our home, and my mother came and picked me up from school. That was a very special treat for me considering usually I had to a 30 minute overcrowded bus ride waiting for me after school. Hours pasted through the night filled with some new movies, a new dress, a few new coloring books, and some new crayons. A barbie birthday cake was served which kept me bouncing off the walls past my bedtime. My mother, sister, and I were watching one of my new movies when the phone rang. I can still remember the three rings before my mother answered it , ring, ring, ring. My mother answered it with a little bit of confusion wondering who would be calling at such an hour.
I learned 45 minutes later that my only grandpa of 55 years old died. I was devasted. My mother was a reck, my sister silent, and I curled up on the floor watching the same screen from which we had paused the movie. My father was really the only stable one from the four of us. I had just talked to my grandpa the day before. He was wishing me an early happy birthday because he was going to Mexico the next day for a mission trip for his church. I talked to him about how excited I was. I rambled on about the little things; the cupcakes I was bringing to school, how I would get a birthday sticker from my teacher, how mom was going to pick me up, and how I was going to get to have a Barbie birthday cake when I got home. Little things that seem so unimportant now. My grandpa lived in California, but always had the southern accent to his voice and as I handed off the telephone to my mother I grinned a big smile yelled "Love you grandpa!", and he slowly repeated "Love you baby girl more than a million stars" as if he knew something was coming for him. My father the next morning on my way to school told me to keep on a big smile. "Show everyone the brave little girl you are" he told me. I wanted to cry. I felt my first heavy heart that day.
You're never sure what life will throw at you at any moment of the day. One moment you could be as happy as a chipmunck who found a tree full of nuts. And then the next moment you could be as sad as anything with that one clear tear rolling down your cheek. Just because everyone around you is having a good day, a good time, or a good moment, does it mean you have to play along with the written script? Maybe, maybe not. It's up to you.
I believe a heavy heart could come from one emotion, one event, one moment, that could change the rest of your life, or so it would seem. A part of life that you may never get back again.
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This has been my entry for Week One for Brigit's Flame. The topic was Heavy.
Hope you all enjoyed it. =)
From what I have known my entire life, from what I have been taught you are never to carry around a heavy heart. You are always to put on a smile, and act like you have a free heart. When the true reality of it is that you are dying inside. Dying to just shead one tear to let people know that no "I'm not alright, I'm broken inside". Dying to show people that you are an actual human being that doesn't walk around like some crazed Barney mask always smiling, but to show people that all the emotional pain that you have put aside for so long is becoming unbearable to live with.
The first time I was taught to put on a free heart was when I was only 8 years old. I had just turned 8, and it seemed like the whole world was turning for me. Nothing could stop me. At least that's what I thought. After a day of crazy activity at a local elementary school to which I attended I came home with more excitment then ever before. Although the sugar from the cupcakes I brought to school that day probably was about 75% percent of the excitment in me. I had a pile of presents waiting for me when I entered the front door of our home, and my mother came and picked me up from school. That was a very special treat for me considering usually I had to a 30 minute overcrowded bus ride waiting for me after school. Hours pasted through the night filled with some new movies, a new dress, a few new coloring books, and some new crayons. A barbie birthday cake was served which kept me bouncing off the walls past my bedtime. My mother, sister, and I were watching one of my new movies when the phone rang. I can still remember the three rings before my mother answered it , ring, ring, ring. My mother answered it with a little bit of confusion wondering who would be calling at such an hour.
I learned 45 minutes later that my only grandpa of 55 years old died. I was devasted. My mother was a reck, my sister silent, and I curled up on the floor watching the same screen from which we had paused the movie. My father was really the only stable one from the four of us. I had just talked to my grandpa the day before. He was wishing me an early happy birthday because he was going to Mexico the next day for a mission trip for his church. I talked to him about how excited I was. I rambled on about the little things; the cupcakes I was bringing to school, how I would get a birthday sticker from my teacher, how mom was going to pick me up, and how I was going to get to have a Barbie birthday cake when I got home. Little things that seem so unimportant now. My grandpa lived in California, but always had the southern accent to his voice and as I handed off the telephone to my mother I grinned a big smile yelled "Love you grandpa!", and he slowly repeated "Love you baby girl more than a million stars" as if he knew something was coming for him. My father the next morning on my way to school told me to keep on a big smile. "Show everyone the brave little girl you are" he told me. I wanted to cry. I felt my first heavy heart that day.
You're never sure what life will throw at you at any moment of the day. One moment you could be as happy as a chipmunck who found a tree full of nuts. And then the next moment you could be as sad as anything with that one clear tear rolling down your cheek. Just because everyone around you is having a good day, a good time, or a good moment, does it mean you have to play along with the written script? Maybe, maybe not. It's up to you.
I believe a heavy heart could come from one emotion, one event, one moment, that could change the rest of your life, or so it would seem. A part of life that you may never get back again.
________________________________________________________________________________________
This has been my entry for Week One for Brigit's Flame. The topic was Heavy.
Hope you all enjoyed it. =)