When will My Fairytale become real?
I just wanted something great, something magical, something that would take the longing away, but it didn't work, nothing ever does. I was gonna go to formal, I was gonna go and be happy, Brandon was gonna take me and dance with me and make me laugh and smile and I'd have the time of my life. I wanted to go because Brandon and I never do anything together and we were gonna stand there and laugh and eat cookies and he'd say I look nice and he'd buy me a flower to put in my curls and he'd be the big brother/best friend he always is. He promised me everything and now he isn't taking me. He's not answering his calls or taking my messages on myspace I thought he was over me being with Brennan but no he's being a baby about the whole thing. I wanted the guy who punched so kid in the face cuz he said how easy I was in P.E. or the guy who wanted to yell at Brennan for breaking my heart last year or the guy who was stupid enough to jump a wall with an opening like 6 steps away or the guy who said our song was Over my head by the Fray. I wanted him to twirl me to the song I wanted my heels to hit the gym floor while I giggled and spinned like the girl I am and I wanted him to be the one spinning me. I can't have Brenna take me I get that so the one thing I did want is my best friend to take me and for me and him to have the best time of our lives but he had to be stubborn and now I'm sitting at home while I should be at this dinner and in a limo and dancing in the gym to christmas music while the theme is Candy Land. I was going to have a princess dress and my hair would be in pretty spiral culs with a pink rose (Because he promised he'd get me a pink rose and he'd put it in my hair) and he'd take me to formal. I sound like one of those preppy girls but I miss Brennan like crazy, My best friend Maria is going through highschool without me and is depressed because of it, and I'm failing 3 classes (P.E is the third so not too bad) because I've been sick so much. The one happy thing I wanted was for him to take me to my Candyland formal in a red wine colored ball gown. I wanted to take 100 pictures with him and put them all over my myspace and then send 100 more to Brennan so he could see how pretty I looked and then Maybe even Brandon would have posted them all over his Myspace. He let me down and now I'm just bummed because I didn't care at first but when he said yes I was excited and wanted him to take me so bad! I was excited to have a princess dress and my hair in curls and that rose in my hair and I was going to wear pretty heals and look pretty I was gonna be glittery and this was going to take the longing away.
Then I thought Id have fun again. I mean its nothing big but talking to Brenna always makes me happy and I was going to call him and talk to him for hours but he's busy going out for drinks or something and that just made me so mad and I just couldn't bring myself to say it becuase I felt it would be so selfish. I'm being really selfish but I can't help it. I just miss him so much.
Last night I had a dream about him. I had just moved up there to live with Kyra (best friend who used to live in ohio then moved back to Canada.) So I was unpacking my stuff and he came over to help me while Kyra was out doing something. So while I'm unpacking my stuff, and some stuff I stole from my mother since she was mad at me before I moved out. So I'm sitting on the floor in a long white skirt and my alice in wonderland tank top while he's sitting on the floor just wearing Jeans holdind a camera and snapping pictures when i look away. Keep giggling once the flash goes off and try to take the camera from him but he stand up and I can't reach it (he's 6 1 and I'm 5 2 lol) So I'm jumping up and down like a fool while he stand there watching me and laughing until he puts the camera down and picks me up. I wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist and hug him really tight and just breathe for a while while he stands there running his hands through my curls and kissing my cheek. he puts me down on the bed and I just sit there looking at the bed while he picks up the camera and takes more pictures of me but this time he places his hand on my cheek and I just keep staring at the matress while I hold his hand to my cheek. Then he runs his hand over my cheek and brushes the hair the hair out of my face and twirls a curl around his finger. he runs his hand down the side of my body and starts running a hand up my skirt that makes me gasp and he stops quickly and I feel so bad because he knows I'm scared. then he opens his arms and I look up and he's smiling at me and he tells me to come here and I fall into his arms and he holds me against his chest then I look into his eyes and place my forhead against his and he takes a picture of our faces together smiling. Then I kiss him and I hear another click go off and then I wake up.
I couldn't take it it was too much, it felt so real and then i wake up and he's not there. I wanted him to hold me like that so bad but he's not here and he couldn't so I started crying and just I held onto my stuffed bear, pacey (I used to be a huge dawson's creek fan at the age of 10 lol) and just cried wishing he was there. I miss him so much and as much as this all hurts I don't want anyone but him. People think I'm so stupid for putting myself through all this pain for one person but I think its worth it because the future he tells me abuot sounds like a wonderland. A wonderland full of kisses and hugs and holind hands and snowy days while he watches me twirl around in the snow watching my cheeks turn a bright pink color and kissing my nose to make it warm then sitting in a tub full of hot water while he just holds him. It sounds nothing like the real world but you know what? He'd make the real word feel like a fairytale. Thats what love is.
Adding more since more came into my head 2 hours later. I was playing around on myspace and My friend, kim, put up this new picture of herself and my god she looks amazing, I mean I'm straigth but this girl is beautiful! I wish I looked half as pretty as she does. And I just looked at her and though "God Brennan your an Idoit " Cuz well make a really long story short they were a thing long before me and him were and I think I might have screwed it up. I'm not sure I never asked for details. But God This girl is so cool! She reads things that would make your eyes boggle, she agrues points I wish I could, and she's drop dead gorgy! And this guy picks me! God. I swear I sat there thingking he was such an idiot cuz he had something so amazing and he falls in love with me, size 12 jeans, medium size shirts (and thats new) and I'm not smart, I'm girly and ditzy and Gawd! lol I'd never be able to give him back but sometimes I just have to ask him "Why me? I'm nothing special and Kim HA! now thats A girl I'd have if I went lesbian!" then he spews how I'm pretty and cute and amazing and maybe its just that I need him more and he needs me. I don't think he believes in fate but when he says that I feel like maybe it was fate But I still feel so bad sometimes when I'm with her that I was so mean last year and I took him and maybe I shouldn't have but its too late and I just can't believe after everything she'd be my friend but she is and she one of the best!
Then I thought Id have fun again. I mean its nothing big but talking to Brenna always makes me happy and I was going to call him and talk to him for hours but he's busy going out for drinks or something and that just made me so mad and I just couldn't bring myself to say it becuase I felt it would be so selfish. I'm being really selfish but I can't help it. I just miss him so much.
Last night I had a dream about him. I had just moved up there to live with Kyra (best friend who used to live in ohio then moved back to Canada.) So I was unpacking my stuff and he came over to help me while Kyra was out doing something. So while I'm unpacking my stuff, and some stuff I stole from my mother since she was mad at me before I moved out. So I'm sitting on the floor in a long white skirt and my alice in wonderland tank top while he's sitting on the floor just wearing Jeans holdind a camera and snapping pictures when i look away. Keep giggling once the flash goes off and try to take the camera from him but he stand up and I can't reach it (he's 6 1 and I'm 5 2 lol) So I'm jumping up and down like a fool while he stand there watching me and laughing until he puts the camera down and picks me up. I wrap my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist and hug him really tight and just breathe for a while while he stands there running his hands through my curls and kissing my cheek. he puts me down on the bed and I just sit there looking at the bed while he picks up the camera and takes more pictures of me but this time he places his hand on my cheek and I just keep staring at the matress while I hold his hand to my cheek. Then he runs his hand over my cheek and brushes the hair the hair out of my face and twirls a curl around his finger. he runs his hand down the side of my body and starts running a hand up my skirt that makes me gasp and he stops quickly and I feel so bad because he knows I'm scared. then he opens his arms and I look up and he's smiling at me and he tells me to come here and I fall into his arms and he holds me against his chest then I look into his eyes and place my forhead against his and he takes a picture of our faces together smiling. Then I kiss him and I hear another click go off and then I wake up.
I couldn't take it it was too much, it felt so real and then i wake up and he's not there. I wanted him to hold me like that so bad but he's not here and he couldn't so I started crying and just I held onto my stuffed bear, pacey (I used to be a huge dawson's creek fan at the age of 10 lol) and just cried wishing he was there. I miss him so much and as much as this all hurts I don't want anyone but him. People think I'm so stupid for putting myself through all this pain for one person but I think its worth it because the future he tells me abuot sounds like a wonderland. A wonderland full of kisses and hugs and holind hands and snowy days while he watches me twirl around in the snow watching my cheeks turn a bright pink color and kissing my nose to make it warm then sitting in a tub full of hot water while he just holds him. It sounds nothing like the real world but you know what? He'd make the real word feel like a fairytale. Thats what love is.
Adding more since more came into my head 2 hours later. I was playing around on myspace and My friend, kim, put up this new picture of herself and my god she looks amazing, I mean I'm straigth but this girl is beautiful! I wish I looked half as pretty as she does. And I just looked at her and though "God Brennan your an Idoit " Cuz well make a really long story short they were a thing long before me and him were and I think I might have screwed it up. I'm not sure I never asked for details. But God This girl is so cool! She reads things that would make your eyes boggle, she agrues points I wish I could, and she's drop dead gorgy! And this guy picks me! God. I swear I sat there thingking he was such an idiot cuz he had something so amazing and he falls in love with me, size 12 jeans, medium size shirts (and thats new) and I'm not smart, I'm girly and ditzy and Gawd! lol I'd never be able to give him back but sometimes I just have to ask him "Why me? I'm nothing special and Kim HA! now thats A girl I'd have if I went lesbian!" then he spews how I'm pretty and cute and amazing and maybe its just that I need him more and he needs me. I don't think he believes in fate but when he says that I feel like maybe it was fate But I still feel so bad sometimes when I'm with her that I was so mean last year and I took him and maybe I shouldn't have but its too late and I just can't believe after everything she'd be my friend but she is and she one of the best!