(no subject)
My life is at a change right now and Im not sure where its going but I am trying my hardest to go with the flow instead of against it. Sometimes its hard though because doing what you think is right and then because you have done wrong for so long the energy is so used to going down that path that you doing different has no effect.
I know none of this may make any sense at all but it helps to get it out.
I desire so bad to be back at my parents locked in my bedroom sitting on the computer talking to friends, researching and listening to music loudly just thinking and realizing reality. Now I get interupted...I wish a relationship wasn't an interruption but an addition. Maybe Im in the wrong relationship...Im in pretty deep right now and I could just walk out the door but how would that make things any different than the past times when i just ran away. I am trying not to run away. It's very hard at time though because of the pain. Not the pain from my endometriosis but my heart pains.
I desire music more than ever and I desire it from my close friends that are musicians whom thier music takes me to a whole new level of thinking. I miss just sitting around using music to help me reflect on my life and who I am> Who am I? Who have I become? Am I still in exsistance behind this new person I have become who I have learned to deal with but in some ways, dont much like. you can't live life not liking yourself. I think back and as insecure as I use to be I still loved myself and who I was. I hate myself now. I feel like a big joke of gods...yea I know it's just life, this is why I am making an attempt to get to know myself, accept it and live life to the fullest and learn to love myself again. Music seems to be the only doorway to that path. That and drawing, I should get back into writing poetry as well. These three things got me through absolute hell in the past...why should I turn my back on it now? I shouldn't and I'm not going to! FUCK trying to bring me down...by golly I know Im in here somewhere and no one is going to keep me down!!! Watch out!!! Jessica will be coming to a lifeitme near you soon! I will return from my remission and come back with a vengance, a goal, and I will achieve! I will run over anyone who tries hold me down, hold me back or get in my way unless it is none other than god him/herself. and this time No one is going to take advantage of my heart and my soul... I will be me, love me and only give love to those who I can already trust and whom love me back...
I know none of this may make any sense at all but it helps to get it out.
I desire so bad to be back at my parents locked in my bedroom sitting on the computer talking to friends, researching and listening to music loudly just thinking and realizing reality. Now I get interupted...I wish a relationship wasn't an interruption but an addition. Maybe Im in the wrong relationship...Im in pretty deep right now and I could just walk out the door but how would that make things any different than the past times when i just ran away. I am trying not to run away. It's very hard at time though because of the pain. Not the pain from my endometriosis but my heart pains.
I desire music more than ever and I desire it from my close friends that are musicians whom thier music takes me to a whole new level of thinking. I miss just sitting around using music to help me reflect on my life and who I am> Who am I? Who have I become? Am I still in exsistance behind this new person I have become who I have learned to deal with but in some ways, dont much like. you can't live life not liking yourself. I think back and as insecure as I use to be I still loved myself and who I was. I hate myself now. I feel like a big joke of gods...yea I know it's just life, this is why I am making an attempt to get to know myself, accept it and live life to the fullest and learn to love myself again. Music seems to be the only doorway to that path. That and drawing, I should get back into writing poetry as well. These three things got me through absolute hell in the past...why should I turn my back on it now? I shouldn't and I'm not going to! FUCK trying to bring me down...by golly I know Im in here somewhere and no one is going to keep me down!!! Watch out!!! Jessica will be coming to a lifeitme near you soon! I will return from my remission and come back with a vengance, a goal, and I will achieve! I will run over anyone who tries hold me down, hold me back or get in my way unless it is none other than god him/herself. and this time No one is going to take advantage of my heart and my soul... I will be me, love me and only give love to those who I can already trust and whom love me back...