Your mom was hit by a goose.... and other nonsensical sayings we say
hello cleaveland!
well here i am, back again like a bad relationship.
i don't know why i write in this. well actually i have an idea or so.
cuz i type faster than i can write, and its the closest medium i can use to keep up with my thoughts... with.
and as a famous writer once said (i forget who):
" How do i know what i think, until I see what I say?"
basically... by seeing my thoughts written out here, it helps me figure stuff out. Like how sometimes you don't realize that you've been feeling something until you tell your friends and then *pow!* you suddenly realize that it's been on your mind so much that you haven't noticed.
Anyways...
it's the 28th... i went out skating and tagging all night =)
so far i a have a few stencils, which i've been putting up all over the city.
i've got:
Wake Up
Pay Attention
TV Evil (with a little TV in a circle w/ a bar across it)
You're alive, remember?
Be Safe
and i think thats it so far....
i love tagging. I feel as though i am contributing to some kind of progressive thought and counterculture in this city. I never tag obscenely, in places which are extremely obtrusive or which could be extreme cases of defacement of public property. INstead they're in subtle places, and all my messages are meant to incite thought. Meant to make people think. Meant to make people fill in the blanks.
Like, "Pay Attention"... they'll think "pay attention to what? other people? when i cross the street? my environment? my breath?"... at least these are the kinds of things i'm going for.
******************************************
i've been sober for a week now. yup. no more tweek for me.
i didn't even realize how out of it i had been. i had forgotten what it felt like to be sober, how things were so real, that things weren't real at all when i was in that state. i had no basis of judgement for what could or couldn't be real. It did the opposite of what i had wnated to do w/ it in the first place... build connections with people, be inspired, be productive, appreciate life, feel alive. Yup, didn't feel any of those. only the opposites. and after the OD experience... badness. i know that someday i will probably revisit it, but it will never be as satisfying as the times where i was the most obsessed with it, and it will only reiterate my need for sobriety each time i do it.
*************************************
Sometimes i feel as though i want to be in love. I guess it's only the idea of it, and not that actual person, because i haven't found a person that i'm in love with at this time. But sometimes i feel as though i want to go home, and have this boy be sitting there, and for us to have been best friends forever, and for him to understand me, and for me to understand him, and for everything to be ok and for us to be very deeply connected, and for us to take care of each other. Sometimes it felt like that with Eddie, and when i feel sad and wnating to be in love, i miss him. But only really only the times that it was like that when we were together.
I wonder how he is doing.
I hope he is ok. Being good to himself. not distracting himself terribly.
I wonder if he and i could ever truly be friends again. I want to be friends again. But it seems as though he has this idea of me, as though he thinks i have changed a lot, and maybe i have, but... i feel the same.
It seems as though the person he thinks i am right now, he is not open to being friends with again. Ever being able to connect with again. i don't think that's true. Maybe we'd connect better, as a matter of facct. who knows. i don't. i don't know what will become of this nothingness.
i like Nickie. Or at least i want to get to know him, which could potentially lead to me liking him. I find him very interesting.
I find Charley very interesting as well. I want to get to know him too.
And Eli. But not in the same way as Nickie.
All in all, i am glad i am single.
i feel as though i need more time to myself,
more time to be alone. which i never get.
The only times i am truly alone are when i am walking to and from the Muni (depending on the time of day) and when i am in the bathroom.
i need to be alone more.
AT least i am writing a lot, reading (some) and doing lots of lots of drawing.
It's fun to be single and always have the possibility of finding this connection with someone. Josh has influenced me to think more romantically about love (goddammit!)
He says that "some people just smell better. The right person for you, your love just smells right." (not an exact quote)... but i believe him. There are some people where i just don't like their smell, and i don't connecct with them (regardless of their smell). And then on the other hand, some people that i connect with really well, just smell wonderful. Like Ciara. She's always smelled great. And Eddie. I loved how he smelled ~ even when he was all gross and sweaty or dirty or whatevver, he never smelled bad to me. i don't know.
but the chase is always fun. the looming potential is always fun.
half-assed commitment is never fun, and i don't want it.
i either wnat to be getting to know someone (i.e. being single)
or
being truly and deeply in love with someone i've known forever (not gonna happen... i don't think.)
and why do these matter?
why do we feel the need to be in relationships?
because we are human, and we're programmed to reproduce?
no. it feels so much deeper than that, it's not just a scientific thing.
There is something very cosmically balancing about a boy and girl together.
for example, in my apt. there are 2 boys, 2 girls (not counting Aja... or ciara, maija or george)... and we've never really had a fight. On the other hand, Maija lives in a house w/ 6 other girls, and they get in fights every day, rather, every fucking hour or soemthing. i dunno.
i love boys and girls.
i love myself.
and i love how i ramble,
and then never know how to end things.
goodnight cleaveland. (!)
well here i am, back again like a bad relationship.
i don't know why i write in this. well actually i have an idea or so.
cuz i type faster than i can write, and its the closest medium i can use to keep up with my thoughts... with.
and as a famous writer once said (i forget who):
" How do i know what i think, until I see what I say?"
basically... by seeing my thoughts written out here, it helps me figure stuff out. Like how sometimes you don't realize that you've been feeling something until you tell your friends and then *pow!* you suddenly realize that it's been on your mind so much that you haven't noticed.
Anyways...
it's the 28th... i went out skating and tagging all night =)
so far i a have a few stencils, which i've been putting up all over the city.
i've got:
Wake Up
Pay Attention
TV Evil (with a little TV in a circle w/ a bar across it)
You're alive, remember?
Be Safe
and i think thats it so far....
i love tagging. I feel as though i am contributing to some kind of progressive thought and counterculture in this city. I never tag obscenely, in places which are extremely obtrusive or which could be extreme cases of defacement of public property. INstead they're in subtle places, and all my messages are meant to incite thought. Meant to make people think. Meant to make people fill in the blanks.
Like, "Pay Attention"... they'll think "pay attention to what? other people? when i cross the street? my environment? my breath?"... at least these are the kinds of things i'm going for.
******************************************
i've been sober for a week now. yup. no more tweek for me.
i didn't even realize how out of it i had been. i had forgotten what it felt like to be sober, how things were so real, that things weren't real at all when i was in that state. i had no basis of judgement for what could or couldn't be real. It did the opposite of what i had wnated to do w/ it in the first place... build connections with people, be inspired, be productive, appreciate life, feel alive. Yup, didn't feel any of those. only the opposites. and after the OD experience... badness. i know that someday i will probably revisit it, but it will never be as satisfying as the times where i was the most obsessed with it, and it will only reiterate my need for sobriety each time i do it.
*************************************
Sometimes i feel as though i want to be in love. I guess it's only the idea of it, and not that actual person, because i haven't found a person that i'm in love with at this time. But sometimes i feel as though i want to go home, and have this boy be sitting there, and for us to have been best friends forever, and for him to understand me, and for me to understand him, and for everything to be ok and for us to be very deeply connected, and for us to take care of each other. Sometimes it felt like that with Eddie, and when i feel sad and wnating to be in love, i miss him. But only really only the times that it was like that when we were together.
I wonder how he is doing.
I hope he is ok. Being good to himself. not distracting himself terribly.
I wonder if he and i could ever truly be friends again. I want to be friends again. But it seems as though he has this idea of me, as though he thinks i have changed a lot, and maybe i have, but... i feel the same.
It seems as though the person he thinks i am right now, he is not open to being friends with again. Ever being able to connect with again. i don't think that's true. Maybe we'd connect better, as a matter of facct. who knows. i don't. i don't know what will become of this nothingness.
i like Nickie. Or at least i want to get to know him, which could potentially lead to me liking him. I find him very interesting.
I find Charley very interesting as well. I want to get to know him too.
And Eli. But not in the same way as Nickie.
All in all, i am glad i am single.
i feel as though i need more time to myself,
more time to be alone. which i never get.
The only times i am truly alone are when i am walking to and from the Muni (depending on the time of day) and when i am in the bathroom.
i need to be alone more.
AT least i am writing a lot, reading (some) and doing lots of lots of drawing.
It's fun to be single and always have the possibility of finding this connection with someone. Josh has influenced me to think more romantically about love (goddammit!)
He says that "some people just smell better. The right person for you, your love just smells right." (not an exact quote)... but i believe him. There are some people where i just don't like their smell, and i don't connecct with them (regardless of their smell). And then on the other hand, some people that i connect with really well, just smell wonderful. Like Ciara. She's always smelled great. And Eddie. I loved how he smelled ~ even when he was all gross and sweaty or dirty or whatevver, he never smelled bad to me. i don't know.
but the chase is always fun. the looming potential is always fun.
half-assed commitment is never fun, and i don't want it.
i either wnat to be getting to know someone (i.e. being single)
or
being truly and deeply in love with someone i've known forever (not gonna happen... i don't think.)
and why do these matter?
why do we feel the need to be in relationships?
because we are human, and we're programmed to reproduce?
no. it feels so much deeper than that, it's not just a scientific thing.
There is something very cosmically balancing about a boy and girl together.
for example, in my apt. there are 2 boys, 2 girls (not counting Aja... or ciara, maija or george)... and we've never really had a fight. On the other hand, Maija lives in a house w/ 6 other girls, and they get in fights every day, rather, every fucking hour or soemthing. i dunno.
i love boys and girls.
i love myself.
and i love how i ramble,
and then never know how to end things.
goodnight cleaveland. (!)