Had an ephiphany of some sorts
So this week was a rollercoater of emotions for me. And through the madness and in the end wen the dust settled it just came to me:
I never know what it feels like to be #1 really.
Example: This week two of my closest friends were at it this week over stupid reasons. Now even though one of said people is who I consider my best friend, who I have known since Hell (aka: Middle School) started, he has a stronger and better connection with my other friend. Anywho, throughout the week both of them were telling me about each other, with their problems, and just asking about each other. Usually they talk to each other every night, and me I just usually sit here, twitleing my thumbs, being bored. Now both are them talk to me, usually doing the same thing at the same time while talking to me.
So when one came home from working up at his school in VT, he had an idea for me to mediate a convo between the two so I can make sure that both messages are being said to each other. He called the second party to make sure it was ok and she said it was.
So we get the convo going, and it went. I felt like there were a lo of things that needed to be said, said, but not really. I could feel just a sense of incompleteness.
Later that night, I was invited to sleep over his house for the night (usually she does). After a dramatic exit from her and some things going down, I find out later that night, while me and my friend are trying to watch a movie, that she felt uncomfortable saying while I WAS THERE. After she left, he was venting where he said it basically: I was #2. He said that he would go to her first for problems, and that he was closer to her. Last summer, the three if us were sitting and talking to his aunt. He said that in 10 years he would be closer to her than me. And that hurt. A lot. And seeing them being closer than he and I are, those words still echo in my head and it keeps hurting.
So later that night (when I slept over and he confirmed that I was #2), I asked that if it was me instead of her, would he be reacting the same way. He said yes, but for me, its a little hard to believe. I know that he loves his friends. I know that they have a special place in his heart for them. I just feel that I am not first priority.
We both went through a lot of shit together, and I call him my best friend. And that's the problem. Isn't the point of having a best friend, having the oher half that calls you the same?
I don't have a true best friend. I naver have. There was always someone else that a friend would consider their "best friend". I would be in that crowd and know whats happening and such, but I was and still the last to know things. They tell their "best friend" first, and then it eventually gets to me. It's SO SAD that I feel out of the loop within my group f friends, that I feel like the odd girl out.
I guess not just in guys also that I am just considered "just a friend" huh?
It just hurts I guess. One day, I will be that one special person to someone that is not my mom. It's just not today I guess.
I never know what it feels like to be #1 really.
Example: This week two of my closest friends were at it this week over stupid reasons. Now even though one of said people is who I consider my best friend, who I have known since Hell (aka: Middle School) started, he has a stronger and better connection with my other friend. Anywho, throughout the week both of them were telling me about each other, with their problems, and just asking about each other. Usually they talk to each other every night, and me I just usually sit here, twitleing my thumbs, being bored. Now both are them talk to me, usually doing the same thing at the same time while talking to me.
So when one came home from working up at his school in VT, he had an idea for me to mediate a convo between the two so I can make sure that both messages are being said to each other. He called the second party to make sure it was ok and she said it was.
So we get the convo going, and it went. I felt like there were a lo of things that needed to be said, said, but not really. I could feel just a sense of incompleteness.
Later that night, I was invited to sleep over his house for the night (usually she does). After a dramatic exit from her and some things going down, I find out later that night, while me and my friend are trying to watch a movie, that she felt uncomfortable saying while I WAS THERE. After she left, he was venting where he said it basically: I was #2. He said that he would go to her first for problems, and that he was closer to her. Last summer, the three if us were sitting and talking to his aunt. He said that in 10 years he would be closer to her than me. And that hurt. A lot. And seeing them being closer than he and I are, those words still echo in my head and it keeps hurting.
So later that night (when I slept over and he confirmed that I was #2), I asked that if it was me instead of her, would he be reacting the same way. He said yes, but for me, its a little hard to believe. I know that he loves his friends. I know that they have a special place in his heart for them. I just feel that I am not first priority.
We both went through a lot of shit together, and I call him my best friend. And that's the problem. Isn't the point of having a best friend, having the oher half that calls you the same?
I don't have a true best friend. I naver have. There was always someone else that a friend would consider their "best friend". I would be in that crowd and know whats happening and such, but I was and still the last to know things. They tell their "best friend" first, and then it eventually gets to me. It's SO SAD that I feel out of the loop within my group f friends, that I feel like the odd girl out.
I guess not just in guys also that I am just considered "just a friend" huh?
It just hurts I guess. One day, I will be that one special person to someone that is not my mom. It's just not today I guess.