(no subject)
Hey.
So. How do I describe this past week? Sucky as hell.
I went to registration on Friday, got my wristband, and was all set to audition on Sunday. The whole time leading up to it, I was SO EXCITED. I have always wanted to do it, but I was either to young, or just bad timing, with Life in general. During the week, my sisters friend kept pestering me and her to give him and a friend that is auditioning a ride to Foxboro. I said no, but she said yes. So I got up at 3 (aka: the ass crack of dawn), got changed and yadda yadda yadda, then picked the two up. The drive was ok. They said that Foxboro will open at 5 to start letting people in. Ok, no big deal thinking that the line will just move right along. We get there around quarter of 5 and the line was like a half a mile long, legit, even more. It was raining really hard, so THANK GOD we had unbrellas and hoodies. But still, it sucks. I was also carrying heavy bags and my shoulders were starting to kill. At first it moved slowly but surely, but then it started to just stop. It was so bad that we were standing in the same place for an hour in the rain. The wind and rain started to pick up, my mom's back started to hurt, it was just Hell. 3 1/2 hours later, we FINALLY got into Gillette, and took our wet seats. We learned the crowd song ("When I Grow Up" by the Pussycat Dolls...Not my favorite song, but w/e), for like an hour. Ryan Seacrest finally showed up, for like 10 minutes to film,then he peaced out. FINALLY it was time to audition:
How it worked: You got into a group of 4 with three others and you wait until someone told you what booth to go to. There were like 10. My group had to go to 4. We waited until the groups in font of us went and left then we went up. We stepped forward one at a time and sang our song for 30 seconds. After all 4 have gone, the producer(s) deliberated and tell them weither one, all, none, ect. made it through or not.
I thought my group did pretty well. None of us sucked and I know that I put my heart and soul into it. After my group went, the few seconds before he gave a yay or nay, felt like an eternity. At last he called the four of us forward. The moment he said "Well, first of all, thank you for coming out, I know it has been a long day..." I knew that it was not gonna end well. Then he went on with "You all have amazing voices yadda yadda yadda, but it's a no blah blah blah..." We politely thanked the producer then walked the walk of shame out of the stadium, having our wristbands sut along the way. I mean I was fine with it. For me it was just for shits and giggles, and if I didn't then I didn't. Yes, I have dreamed of being on it, but I really did not walk in thinking I was gonna get in right away. I know that I have America's standards of beauty against me, but I felt good when I sang for him and I had a strange feeling that maybe he would let me through. Well, I didn't make it, whatever, and then comes the worst part: the reaction from everyone else. My mom went into Stage Mom mode and was comforting yet seeking vengance from the AI people, same ol same ol'. We get food at the Red Robin (great for my first time there...BBQ chicken sandwich: YUM!), then take the long treck back to Peabody, dropped off Tom and Matt, then went right home and I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
I woke up 3 hours later, then my mom told me something as we drove to my aunts house. She was on the AI site and was reading comments, and one was form someone who moved on from the producers and went on to the execs. She said that she sang some more and did some other things. They eventually dismissed her. The reason: She did not look good on camera. That just confirms everything. American Idol turned into America's Next Top Model, and it was all abou the eye candy.
I know that I am not what a typical recording artist would appear to be. I am sorry I am a size 22 not a size 2. But dismissing someone becuase of the way they appear is not cool. I know that I should be used to it by now. I have always been denied things that I think I deserved because of my size: roles, parts in chorus, the guy I have been eyeing. I know that people have told me that if I just get healthier and slim down, I would have no issue, but getting to Idol the way I am is one of the reasons I do it. One of the things I would love to accomplish in my life is to break the status quo, and prove to all that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to and accomplish my dreams, being a big girl in a world that is obsessed with beauty and perfection. To show that you do not need to be easy with someone and just have everything handed to them because you are skinny, rich, and popular, like some in this god forsaken city who believes that.
The kicker with all of this, is that people tell me that I was robbed. I know that I was. I mean I got told so many times I have lost count by friends and family that I was robbed, but to have complete strangers that you do not know come up to you and tell you that you were robbed, you know something is fishy. I know that I have something. I know that I have a gift that God gave me. I know that I got robbed. And I thank everyone that has told me that. It shows that I may not be the most popular in my city or school, but I have a support system that will love me and support me in whatever I do and wherever I go. Telling me that they should go eff themselves, and that I got robbed makes me feel better about the ordeal, but at the same time, it hurts. It feels like its being rubbed in my face that I got rejeceted because of the way I look, and it hurts. So much.
Everyone is telling me that my time will finally come to shine and succeed in doing so, but its like the "boyfriend" or "lack of boyfriend" situation, telling me to wait that it will come in time. Well I am done with waiting. All my life I have been waiting and trying and putting my heart and soul into everything I do, only to go nowhere and fall into the sea of American Society where I drown in humiliation and discrimination.
I know I am like my dream role. I am a real life Tracy Turnblad. I know I am like my favorite TV show. I am a real life Ugly Betty. You see them succeed in what they do. I mean look at it. Tracy got the show and got the guy. Betty Suarez is now an editor at MODE and even though she is in between relationships, know that she had a relationship she wished lasts a lifetime that she is still in love with. You see them have happy endings. You see them see things go right for them. Why not me?
Now I am also scrambling for a job, stessing for money, and family issues coming to a head, I find myself wishing I was out with friends or back at school already.
I wish I can just fast forward to the fun things and just run to school and start the year again, which reminds me: I should start memorizing lines for Trojan Women. Ugh.
Well for now I clean and prepare. Micheala and Deidre are coming in 9 days and its not coming soon enough. I am so excied to see the fuse between school and home to see what happens. I love all my friends and I really hope they get along. Also if after a week with me and my friends and Deidre is STILL not corrupted, then I am oficially out of options lol.
Ok, I am out..gotta get up early to apply at the mall tomorrow. Night all and thanks to everyone that have made this weel bearable. You guys are all my #1 fan (except for my cousin Micayla, the true #1 fan lol).
~B
P.S.: My mom, in her Stage Mom Mode, wrote an email to 19 entertainment (the production company for AI) just saying and stating the negative things about the audition. They responded (surpisingly) 2 days later with a reply from the LEGAL DEPARTMENT saying that they have no set criteria on ow people should look, and they they can't control the weather. I laughed. XD. I'll show them next year!!!!