I dont get it... I really dont.
I called you and I wanted to talk to you but you were to stoned to even comprehend what I was about to say let alone I would kill your buzz and not get the answers I wanted so i decided to let you go.
I decided to let you go....
I dont know if that was the right choice or not but it was one I made and Im stickin to it. Lately things have been so confusing and scarey and all Ive ever wanted was to just be your girl. You have told me many times that you wanted to be the one to show me what a real girlfriend was like or what it was like to have a wife and i believed you but if this is how its going to be I would rather be single. This hurts. This hurts more then you will ever know cause I hide things well from you. I figure if youre gonna keep things from me I have the right to do so as well. But you expect me to tell you everything, relationships are 50/50.
How can you be so many different people all the time?
Why did you tell me you loved me recently? Why did you do that when you knew I still had so many feelings for you and that night I had actually hit a point where I wasnt in love with you any more. I still love you, but Im not in love with you (sound familiar). And i swear to you I almost died. I almost didnt say it back, but I didnt know what to do and the thought of loosing you scared me more then anything so i said. Why do you kiss me in the middle of night, why do you still kiss me at all? Friends dont kiss, do they? Why do you hold me so tightly, like your scared to let me go? Some times when you look at me I can almost see your eyes telling me you loved and I just melt. Why did you tell me I was pretty like 10 times in one day? Why did you tell me Star was just a friend? Im not dumb.. people dont leave comments like that to friends. If you were even considering talkin to her you should have just told me. I have never given you a reason to lie to me or hide things from me and still you persist.
I dont really like who've you become. Honestly, I dont like who you are when your stoned either.
You know that day when I went to the dark place and you worried about me. I didnt want to tell you that you were the cause of it. The way you sat there for how many ever hours and just ignored me killed me. I know you were talkin to people online, i know you were even responding to her and I hated it. I just wanted to leave. I have never felt so uncomfortable around you.. wait... yes I have the last night i was at your house in clermont and you fell asleep talkin to ash. It hurt me that you could just ignore me like that. You still talked to your cousin but I wasnt there. Not till I told you I was hungry. I wondered to myself how long you would have stayed on the comp. Then went i went outside i wondered how long i would have to sit out there till someone cared enough to ask about me. If you would have bothered me I would have left after i yelled at you. I know.. were just friends I have no right right? whatever. You know thats crap.
Whats going on between us honestly? Are you just holding on to me till something better comes along or do you really have feelings for me? And if you really have feelings what are they? I knew I wasnt going to push this but after recent events I feel i deserve the right to know. Should I be holding on? Is this something worth holding on too? I used to think it was but some days, im not so sure. I feel like I have been played hard core.
I think its time for you to open up to me and just tell me whats going on cause Im tired of waiting, guessing, and being hurt.
Im not going to sleep tonight. I know this, do you care? No, not right now you dont youre sitting at your house with your cousin fucked up out of your mind watchin TV and playing video games and you know none of this is going on. How much will you care later? Will you care enough to actually respond to this or just leave me hanging like usual. Im tired of always having to bring everything up. Im tired of being the one who has to make this thing work, if you really cared for me like you said you did then you would try to.
What would happen if I went on a date. Would you get angry? Honestly, would you? Most people dont think about that kind of thing when relationships are coming to an end but I know that if you went out with someone I would be jealous and hurt. How would you feel? Or would you just hide it. Some times I want to just to see how you react, but Im scared of loosing you.
So I keep playing the game knowing Im going to get hurt.
I hate knowing when pain is going to come. Its not as wonderful as most would think. I want to drive out there and do a big dramatic scene like in the movies. I wanna give you back your jacket that I sleep in every night so that I can feel close to you I wanna give back your ring that even though we never put any value on it still meant something to me since before when i took it you always made me give it back and that one day.. you didnt. I asked you many times after if you wanted it back. You still havent said you did... what does that mean? If actions speak louder then words thats a pretty big action. You said you have thought about asking me to marry you... what does that mean, specially when I said do you still feel that way and you said what would your answer have been and when i said Yes you smiled.
If all of your actions contradict your words which should I believe?
Youve said you never lied to me and that everything you said was the truth then why do i feel like Ive been lied to. You know how my feelings are. What are you keeping from me?
I dont know but I think Im done for right now. Im tired of crying and I just want to take a shower and lay down. I know you wont call me tonight, and im okay with that. I want my answers to all of these questions. I dont care how you do it, but I want them. I think i deserve them as well reguardless of what you think. You wanted me to open up, here it is. This is me hanging out here with my heart in my hand wondering what to do with it.
what would you do with it?
I decided to let you go....
I dont know if that was the right choice or not but it was one I made and Im stickin to it. Lately things have been so confusing and scarey and all Ive ever wanted was to just be your girl. You have told me many times that you wanted to be the one to show me what a real girlfriend was like or what it was like to have a wife and i believed you but if this is how its going to be I would rather be single. This hurts. This hurts more then you will ever know cause I hide things well from you. I figure if youre gonna keep things from me I have the right to do so as well. But you expect me to tell you everything, relationships are 50/50.
How can you be so many different people all the time?
Why did you tell me you loved me recently? Why did you do that when you knew I still had so many feelings for you and that night I had actually hit a point where I wasnt in love with you any more. I still love you, but Im not in love with you (sound familiar). And i swear to you I almost died. I almost didnt say it back, but I didnt know what to do and the thought of loosing you scared me more then anything so i said. Why do you kiss me in the middle of night, why do you still kiss me at all? Friends dont kiss, do they? Why do you hold me so tightly, like your scared to let me go? Some times when you look at me I can almost see your eyes telling me you loved and I just melt. Why did you tell me I was pretty like 10 times in one day? Why did you tell me Star was just a friend? Im not dumb.. people dont leave comments like that to friends. If you were even considering talkin to her you should have just told me. I have never given you a reason to lie to me or hide things from me and still you persist.
I dont really like who've you become. Honestly, I dont like who you are when your stoned either.
You know that day when I went to the dark place and you worried about me. I didnt want to tell you that you were the cause of it. The way you sat there for how many ever hours and just ignored me killed me. I know you were talkin to people online, i know you were even responding to her and I hated it. I just wanted to leave. I have never felt so uncomfortable around you.. wait... yes I have the last night i was at your house in clermont and you fell asleep talkin to ash. It hurt me that you could just ignore me like that. You still talked to your cousin but I wasnt there. Not till I told you I was hungry. I wondered to myself how long you would have stayed on the comp. Then went i went outside i wondered how long i would have to sit out there till someone cared enough to ask about me. If you would have bothered me I would have left after i yelled at you. I know.. were just friends I have no right right? whatever. You know thats crap.
Whats going on between us honestly? Are you just holding on to me till something better comes along or do you really have feelings for me? And if you really have feelings what are they? I knew I wasnt going to push this but after recent events I feel i deserve the right to know. Should I be holding on? Is this something worth holding on too? I used to think it was but some days, im not so sure. I feel like I have been played hard core.
I think its time for you to open up to me and just tell me whats going on cause Im tired of waiting, guessing, and being hurt.
Im not going to sleep tonight. I know this, do you care? No, not right now you dont youre sitting at your house with your cousin fucked up out of your mind watchin TV and playing video games and you know none of this is going on. How much will you care later? Will you care enough to actually respond to this or just leave me hanging like usual. Im tired of always having to bring everything up. Im tired of being the one who has to make this thing work, if you really cared for me like you said you did then you would try to.
What would happen if I went on a date. Would you get angry? Honestly, would you? Most people dont think about that kind of thing when relationships are coming to an end but I know that if you went out with someone I would be jealous and hurt. How would you feel? Or would you just hide it. Some times I want to just to see how you react, but Im scared of loosing you.
So I keep playing the game knowing Im going to get hurt.
I hate knowing when pain is going to come. Its not as wonderful as most would think. I want to drive out there and do a big dramatic scene like in the movies. I wanna give you back your jacket that I sleep in every night so that I can feel close to you I wanna give back your ring that even though we never put any value on it still meant something to me since before when i took it you always made me give it back and that one day.. you didnt. I asked you many times after if you wanted it back. You still havent said you did... what does that mean? If actions speak louder then words thats a pretty big action. You said you have thought about asking me to marry you... what does that mean, specially when I said do you still feel that way and you said what would your answer have been and when i said Yes you smiled.
If all of your actions contradict your words which should I believe?
Youve said you never lied to me and that everything you said was the truth then why do i feel like Ive been lied to. You know how my feelings are. What are you keeping from me?
I dont know but I think Im done for right now. Im tired of crying and I just want to take a shower and lay down. I know you wont call me tonight, and im okay with that. I want my answers to all of these questions. I dont care how you do it, but I want them. I think i deserve them as well reguardless of what you think. You wanted me to open up, here it is. This is me hanging out here with my heart in my hand wondering what to do with it.
what would you do with it?