Diary of a mad cow
You ever get the feeling that you're, unintentionally, being incredibly controlling?
It all of a sudden slaps me in the face, the fact that I may be too controlling in terms of some things in my life. Mostly with my boyfriend, Jonathan.
Take today for instance. Now, it's bad enough that work today absolutely sucked, the friend who I was supposed to hang out with today completely forgot, AND I had a huge headache.
But he goes and hangs out with a friend of his, who's name I won't say, we'll just call him "Mr. J". (Please tell me someone gets the comic book reference!) Jonathan and Mr. J have feelings for each other that were completely fucked up because I made Jonathan choose, and he chose me. That would make anyone feel happy, right? Well, except for one part: Jonathan is sexually attracted to Mr. J, but is NOT sexually attracted to me, his own boyfriend. This makes me a little upset.
Now, I agreed that I would let the two hang out, because I trust the two of them around each other... but I subconsciously end up getting in their way. Today I asked Jonathan if he could come home around 9, and he gave me a maybe, which with him is usually a Yes in a joke form. But when he said he was going to be out until 9:30, I kinda overreacted and got angry, telling him to come home around 9 (because my dad was going to sleep early, and I wanted to go to sleep early as well, and I didn't want Jonathan sleeping in his car).
Maybe this is just me being a diva, but after the conversation (which ended with him telling me I was interrupting them and I promptly hang up) I felt that I am controlling, somehow. I don't want him to feel that he can't hang out with Mr. J because I'm either jealous or whatnot... but I fear that he and Mr. J might be thinking that I'm too controlling and it's annoying.
And I don't like being annoying. A part of me wants to call back and tell them to hang out all night if they want (even though I can't fall asleep without Jonathan next to me), but I don't want to interrupt again and get him mad at me, or Mr. J annoyed at me (since he's a friend of mine, too).
I'm such a failure sometimes.
It all of a sudden slaps me in the face, the fact that I may be too controlling in terms of some things in my life. Mostly with my boyfriend, Jonathan.
Take today for instance. Now, it's bad enough that work today absolutely sucked, the friend who I was supposed to hang out with today completely forgot, AND I had a huge headache.
But he goes and hangs out with a friend of his, who's name I won't say, we'll just call him "Mr. J". (Please tell me someone gets the comic book reference!) Jonathan and Mr. J have feelings for each other that were completely fucked up because I made Jonathan choose, and he chose me. That would make anyone feel happy, right? Well, except for one part: Jonathan is sexually attracted to Mr. J, but is NOT sexually attracted to me, his own boyfriend. This makes me a little upset.
Now, I agreed that I would let the two hang out, because I trust the two of them around each other... but I subconsciously end up getting in their way. Today I asked Jonathan if he could come home around 9, and he gave me a maybe, which with him is usually a Yes in a joke form. But when he said he was going to be out until 9:30, I kinda overreacted and got angry, telling him to come home around 9 (because my dad was going to sleep early, and I wanted to go to sleep early as well, and I didn't want Jonathan sleeping in his car).
Maybe this is just me being a diva, but after the conversation (which ended with him telling me I was interrupting them and I promptly hang up) I felt that I am controlling, somehow. I don't want him to feel that he can't hang out with Mr. J because I'm either jealous or whatnot... but I fear that he and Mr. J might be thinking that I'm too controlling and it's annoying.
And I don't like being annoying. A part of me wants to call back and tell them to hang out all night if they want (even though I can't fall asleep without Jonathan next to me), but I don't want to interrupt again and get him mad at me, or Mr. J annoyed at me (since he's a friend of mine, too).
I'm such a failure sometimes.