(no subject)
To you that will rescue me (or not):
Either you're god, or you have large sums of money; otherwise, you're only a temporary fix... (actually, I suspect god and money are also only temporary fixes, though I still hold out hope that this notion of god, if nothing else, is at the very least, a state that transcends fear and the suicidal tendencies of the ego that thinks it is separate and hence has to live in fear because of it's limited knowledge of itself and the universe of which it is entirely part of and IS it in totality) Blather, blather, blah! And no, I haven't been smoking weed!
Shawn says to himself: Please shut up..
how ridiculous, the ego talking about itself.... if I were wise I'd stop this nonsense and breathe, breathe consciously that is.. or pray, or both, or play... music... create and lose myself in the zen like reverie of non-thought. blather, blah... ..conundrum, quandary, EGO. FUCK. SHUT. UP. (sorry for the profanity.. yes I care.. not as much about me as I do about anyone else, or is it really about what anyone else THINKS)
There's a significant difference between those that consciously choose to take their life and those that live paralyzed by the fear. It almost seems as though I am the weaker of the two, I am the paralyzed one, not making choices per se, but letting fear make them for me.
I HATE FEAR. IT IS ABSOLUTELY THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL AND IS THE ROOT OF EVERYTHING THAT AILS ME (perhaps you too, but that's entirely none of my business and presumptuous at best).
I'm tired, I'm afraid, I'm tired, I'm afraid.. and if you only knew that all of this desperate, despondent crap is all about something as trivial and lame as work related issues, feelings of inadequacy rearing it's ugly head, raging fear and and overwhelming sense of failure... paranoia, (I guess it doesn't have to be something so romantically tragic like the death of a loved one or a holocaust), but any life circumstance that brings you to your knees.. so work it is for me, today, yes, paranoia, insecurity ...though I'm sure some bits and pieces are true, but they all HATE me, FUCKERS, the only way I know how to deal with rejection is to attack it (though I never actually do, but I really enjoy the fantasy of telling them off, telling them they're wrong is what I most treasure, telling them that it's them that is fucked up and they only hate me for being the mirror of their own issues (and them of mine??) ..so as I was saying, I always want to attack (verbally, clever barbed sarcasm, jabs at their weakness), but actually I usually persevere and try to get myself centered in a place of "LOVE" (whatever the heck that is), ..I instinctively want to fight those that hate me (well, maybe they don't actually "hate" me, but I'm sure I piss them off, irritate the hell out of them, perhaps I even make them feel insecure.. what a horrible thing to do, though I don't do it intentionally, but I think they're out to get me, maybe not fully consciously, but at the very least they need to attack me because I put a spotlight on their fear and inadequacy.. but I didn't want to do that, but I have to play by the corporate rules, they can't come into work late every day and make mistakes that only happen because they don't care.. sure, it's hard to care when you're a slave, a prostitute, the golden handcuffs we willingly put on..
Is their anyone out there that would like to collaborate on music, film, anything...?
(assuming I don't panic and retreat into isolation, it might be worth a try)
thegospelofgroove.com
Either you're god, or you have large sums of money; otherwise, you're only a temporary fix... (actually, I suspect god and money are also only temporary fixes, though I still hold out hope that this notion of god, if nothing else, is at the very least, a state that transcends fear and the suicidal tendencies of the ego that thinks it is separate and hence has to live in fear because of it's limited knowledge of itself and the universe of which it is entirely part of and IS it in totality) Blather, blather, blah! And no, I haven't been smoking weed!
Shawn says to himself: Please shut up..
how ridiculous, the ego talking about itself.... if I were wise I'd stop this nonsense and breathe, breathe consciously that is.. or pray, or both, or play... music... create and lose myself in the zen like reverie of non-thought. blather, blah... ..conundrum, quandary, EGO. FUCK. SHUT. UP. (sorry for the profanity.. yes I care.. not as much about me as I do about anyone else, or is it really about what anyone else THINKS)
There's a significant difference between those that consciously choose to take their life and those that live paralyzed by the fear. It almost seems as though I am the weaker of the two, I am the paralyzed one, not making choices per se, but letting fear make them for me.
I HATE FEAR. IT IS ABSOLUTELY THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL AND IS THE ROOT OF EVERYTHING THAT AILS ME (perhaps you too, but that's entirely none of my business and presumptuous at best).
I'm tired, I'm afraid, I'm tired, I'm afraid.. and if you only knew that all of this desperate, despondent crap is all about something as trivial and lame as work related issues, feelings of inadequacy rearing it's ugly head, raging fear and and overwhelming sense of failure... paranoia, (I guess it doesn't have to be something so romantically tragic like the death of a loved one or a holocaust), but any life circumstance that brings you to your knees.. so work it is for me, today, yes, paranoia, insecurity ...though I'm sure some bits and pieces are true, but they all HATE me, FUCKERS, the only way I know how to deal with rejection is to attack it (though I never actually do, but I really enjoy the fantasy of telling them off, telling them they're wrong is what I most treasure, telling them that it's them that is fucked up and they only hate me for being the mirror of their own issues (and them of mine??) ..so as I was saying, I always want to attack (verbally, clever barbed sarcasm, jabs at their weakness), but actually I usually persevere and try to get myself centered in a place of "LOVE" (whatever the heck that is), ..I instinctively want to fight those that hate me (well, maybe they don't actually "hate" me, but I'm sure I piss them off, irritate the hell out of them, perhaps I even make them feel insecure.. what a horrible thing to do, though I don't do it intentionally, but I think they're out to get me, maybe not fully consciously, but at the very least they need to attack me because I put a spotlight on their fear and inadequacy.. but I didn't want to do that, but I have to play by the corporate rules, they can't come into work late every day and make mistakes that only happen because they don't care.. sure, it's hard to care when you're a slave, a prostitute, the golden handcuffs we willingly put on..
Is their anyone out there that would like to collaborate on music, film, anything...?
(assuming I don't panic and retreat into isolation, it might be worth a try)
thegospelofgroove.com