Haven't written in forever
I currently should be packing or studying for finals, but I couldn't...I'm in such a nostalgic mood.
I'm so spoiled.....in that whenever I want something enough I get it. I mean that is what magic is to me....wanting something with your entire being. How often does that really happen in your life? How often are the little nagging negative voices silent? Not often...but I think that when extreme emotions are experienced it is usually the case. I read my last entry....I was so hurt. SO lonely.
It is incredible how much changes in a semester. I mean last semester I was definately complacent and at times happy. But there was a deeper sense of sadness in me. This semester it has transformed.....into true happiness....
I found that person I was looking for. I found Isabel. She gives me hope that there are good women out there-- who care about being good people. The more I live the more I realize that it's not about moving out of New Hampshire...it's not about making as much money as I possible can....not about if my boyfriend is the most attractive "if I deserve better", not even about who travels the most. It's about being happy with myself, experiencing as many things as I should in this lifetime, and just being a good person. I just don't care for the material world......it's so despicable. I feel so much like Henry Haller (Steppenwolf) another character who is based on Hesse. I live in it, but at the same time I wish I didn't. I have to balance the two. Why do I want to be a famous person contributing to my society? Why do I want to have a popular name? Why the competition? Who cares? Because I want people to remember me. But why does it matter.T The species WILL go extinct. We WILL all die off.....so why does it matter? If that makes you happy than so be it. I am happy living in New Hampshire. I am not ashamed of it. It is beautiful, the people are nice, and I love the mountains and grass. I will probably live here when I'm older. I want my children to be respectful of nature and to be carefree for as long as possible. Innocence is something we can never get back.
Anyways....I meant to talk about school. I have gotten so involved and it is exciting. I have something to work for. People call me to talk. I feel like I am already achieving my life goal. I feel like I've connected to so many people. I have a purpose.
My friends are good. I know and have more friends than I thought. and I don't know what I'm going to do without my Isabel next year. She just knows how to make me smile, laugh and not be so serious. We never fight and can always complement eachother. She understands my love for Germany and Austria. She grew up speaking fluently. She understands why I like to travel and is the same way. It'a about learning about and understanding a culture...but most of all it's about finding ourselves...
I am looking forward to this summer and lots of new experiences and visiting old friends. It is getting sad now that people are not coming home for summer and that we all don't talk as much, but I suppose it is bound to happen we all have to change.
More later
xoxo
~Maria
I'm so spoiled.....in that whenever I want something enough I get it. I mean that is what magic is to me....wanting something with your entire being. How often does that really happen in your life? How often are the little nagging negative voices silent? Not often...but I think that when extreme emotions are experienced it is usually the case. I read my last entry....I was so hurt. SO lonely.
It is incredible how much changes in a semester. I mean last semester I was definately complacent and at times happy. But there was a deeper sense of sadness in me. This semester it has transformed.....into true happiness....
I found that person I was looking for. I found Isabel. She gives me hope that there are good women out there-- who care about being good people. The more I live the more I realize that it's not about moving out of New Hampshire...it's not about making as much money as I possible can....not about if my boyfriend is the most attractive "if I deserve better", not even about who travels the most. It's about being happy with myself, experiencing as many things as I should in this lifetime, and just being a good person. I just don't care for the material world......it's so despicable. I feel so much like Henry Haller (Steppenwolf) another character who is based on Hesse. I live in it, but at the same time I wish I didn't. I have to balance the two. Why do I want to be a famous person contributing to my society? Why do I want to have a popular name? Why the competition? Who cares? Because I want people to remember me. But why does it matter.T The species WILL go extinct. We WILL all die off.....so why does it matter? If that makes you happy than so be it. I am happy living in New Hampshire. I am not ashamed of it. It is beautiful, the people are nice, and I love the mountains and grass. I will probably live here when I'm older. I want my children to be respectful of nature and to be carefree for as long as possible. Innocence is something we can never get back.
Anyways....I meant to talk about school. I have gotten so involved and it is exciting. I have something to work for. People call me to talk. I feel like I am already achieving my life goal. I feel like I've connected to so many people. I have a purpose.
My friends are good. I know and have more friends than I thought. and I don't know what I'm going to do without my Isabel next year. She just knows how to make me smile, laugh and not be so serious. We never fight and can always complement eachother. She understands my love for Germany and Austria. She grew up speaking fluently. She understands why I like to travel and is the same way. It'a about learning about and understanding a culture...but most of all it's about finding ourselves...
I am looking forward to this summer and lots of new experiences and visiting old friends. It is getting sad now that people are not coming home for summer and that we all don't talk as much, but I suppose it is bound to happen we all have to change.
More later
xoxo
~Maria