letter to my 8-year-old self
Dear Amanda;
The first thing I want you to do is scream. Loud. Let it all out. In front of the kids in school who put you down, in front of your parents, in front of yourself. Find, pay attention, and honor your darkest feelings. Everything that you feel is ok. Absolutely fine.
Your Dad tells you to stop crying whenever you get upset. Your mother constantly brings up the fact that you screamed for the first two years of your life. Teachers at school send report cards home stating, "Too quiet - this will hurt her in the future." Later on, when you're the ripe old age of 17 you will get all of your school records back and laugh. For the teacher who told you that was well-meaning, but erroneous. It's fine that you're quiet. In fact, it's an asset at times. No, not at all times, but you'll come out of your shell when you're supposed to. It may not be until later than most, but it's totally ok. It doesn't mean that you're behind anyone else - it's just the path you are meant to be on. Also, cry whenever you want, even if it's once a day, sometimes at the beauty of existing. Don't let anyone teach you that suppressing emotion is how you should handle conflict. You'll only end up taking it out in unhealthy, destructive ways, ways you never thought you'd resort to.
Know that your mother, while one of the most giving mothers in the world, is no hero. While she will teach you the values of loving, laughter and compassion, she will also teach you to hate the way you look unconsciously. She can't help it. She doesn't know any better and she truly believes she is ugly on the outside and in. Your father reinforced it. And do not take pride quietly when she gazes at you all dressed up and thin and says, "No one could ever look as good in that dress..." She is implying competition among herself and you and among other women. Strive to love your sense of humor, your singing voice for what it is, your open-mindedness, your intelligence. You, by no means, are not stupid. You may not make the same grades as Nathan Cardoos but it doesn't mean anything. Your mother passed that down to you too. The whole "I'm not smart and I'll never understand anything" trait. That is why, in the future, (unless you are willing to make the change) you isolate yourself at parties. It's why you drink instead. It's why you'll compare yourself to boyfriends, believing they're much smarter than you are and could ever be, you're in another league, completely.
Your mother often says to you, "you can depend on no one but yourself." This is a good survival tactic, but a lonely one. The world is connected - more than you know. The next time you take the T with your Dad to the Museum of Science look around on the subway. A million people, running around, all with their own little path in life. At first glance, everyone seems lonely, stuck. But then think of this way; everyone is just trying to survive, all with a common goal, to provide for themselves and their loved ones and to experience loving and compassion. You are not alone and just because you're having a bad experience in elementary school doesn't mean all people will scorn you. You will be loved. No, not all people will love you, but more than not.
You have an experience that is unique to everyone else's. You grew up with a very sick brother, and are experiencing some struggles yourself, so you have a different view of people who basically just need a safe and supportive environment. As you grow up you will encounter many people who will stereotype these people as "crazy", "a mess", "psychotic". This is completely narrow-minded and judgemental and it will be up to you to educate people about mental health. You have the power to change your thinking, your relationships, your world. It is your mission to do this, and you must not be afraid to cause a few waves in order to get your point across.
Lastly, the mouth Dr. Cohen described as "too full" will be the envy of your female friends one day when you are 21. Your body will figure itself out, and your legs will last longer than most of your female friends as you age. But ultimately, it is not important. Your hands, beautiful hands from your mother and Nana, will do the work that will change the world. They will learn to love and be loved.
Love,
a girl who's been there
The first thing I want you to do is scream. Loud. Let it all out. In front of the kids in school who put you down, in front of your parents, in front of yourself. Find, pay attention, and honor your darkest feelings. Everything that you feel is ok. Absolutely fine.
Your Dad tells you to stop crying whenever you get upset. Your mother constantly brings up the fact that you screamed for the first two years of your life. Teachers at school send report cards home stating, "Too quiet - this will hurt her in the future." Later on, when you're the ripe old age of 17 you will get all of your school records back and laugh. For the teacher who told you that was well-meaning, but erroneous. It's fine that you're quiet. In fact, it's an asset at times. No, not at all times, but you'll come out of your shell when you're supposed to. It may not be until later than most, but it's totally ok. It doesn't mean that you're behind anyone else - it's just the path you are meant to be on. Also, cry whenever you want, even if it's once a day, sometimes at the beauty of existing. Don't let anyone teach you that suppressing emotion is how you should handle conflict. You'll only end up taking it out in unhealthy, destructive ways, ways you never thought you'd resort to.
Know that your mother, while one of the most giving mothers in the world, is no hero. While she will teach you the values of loving, laughter and compassion, she will also teach you to hate the way you look unconsciously. She can't help it. She doesn't know any better and she truly believes she is ugly on the outside and in. Your father reinforced it. And do not take pride quietly when she gazes at you all dressed up and thin and says, "No one could ever look as good in that dress..." She is implying competition among herself and you and among other women. Strive to love your sense of humor, your singing voice for what it is, your open-mindedness, your intelligence. You, by no means, are not stupid. You may not make the same grades as Nathan Cardoos but it doesn't mean anything. Your mother passed that down to you too. The whole "I'm not smart and I'll never understand anything" trait. That is why, in the future, (unless you are willing to make the change) you isolate yourself at parties. It's why you drink instead. It's why you'll compare yourself to boyfriends, believing they're much smarter than you are and could ever be, you're in another league, completely.
Your mother often says to you, "you can depend on no one but yourself." This is a good survival tactic, but a lonely one. The world is connected - more than you know. The next time you take the T with your Dad to the Museum of Science look around on the subway. A million people, running around, all with their own little path in life. At first glance, everyone seems lonely, stuck. But then think of this way; everyone is just trying to survive, all with a common goal, to provide for themselves and their loved ones and to experience loving and compassion. You are not alone and just because you're having a bad experience in elementary school doesn't mean all people will scorn you. You will be loved. No, not all people will love you, but more than not.
You have an experience that is unique to everyone else's. You grew up with a very sick brother, and are experiencing some struggles yourself, so you have a different view of people who basically just need a safe and supportive environment. As you grow up you will encounter many people who will stereotype these people as "crazy", "a mess", "psychotic". This is completely narrow-minded and judgemental and it will be up to you to educate people about mental health. You have the power to change your thinking, your relationships, your world. It is your mission to do this, and you must not be afraid to cause a few waves in order to get your point across.
Lastly, the mouth Dr. Cohen described as "too full" will be the envy of your female friends one day when you are 21. Your body will figure itself out, and your legs will last longer than most of your female friends as you age. But ultimately, it is not important. Your hands, beautiful hands from your mother and Nana, will do the work that will change the world. They will learn to love and be loved.
Love,
a girl who's been there