It may not make sense, but when do I ever?
Please forgive the following; it is late, and I need to say something. If you are going to read on, do so slowly, one sentence at a time. That's how it was written. Bleh.
Its a painful feeling, when you've got something to say, you just don't know what or how. I've really been out of it for the last several years, just musing on memories and dreams. The world turns, people move on, and in the dark times, I felt all of left behind. A self inflicted feeling, I know. Is it just because I am a young man that I wish to soar through life's ocean? Will the desire to be full of life fade with time? Is it my dulled lifestyle that brings me to my knees in emptiness? The truth is that I crave, I ache, but not always enough to seek "it" out. Perhaps that is why I write this now. I know very little of victory, the sweet overcoming of obstacles unforeseen. Is it fear that holds me back? Fear of that very thing I crave? Why does one feel at times the brunt of emotion, only to be stretched out with emptiness later. To which side should we lean? Is it better to not exist at all or to exist fully, so full that it is unbearable? I have always yearned for a place, a place of Clarity. I used to rack my mind as a child, searching for a place where I would feel, or at least imagine that I had that Clarity. I still do today. My search in life is so painfully uttered in that one word, Clarity. I still haven't found that place. Maybe it doesn't exist here, maybe it can't.
I sometimes wish someone was there, hearing my story, seeing my life, understanding, being interested in me at every turn. Knowing it all. I know there is someone, and I want it be real to me. The thing that's strange is that I feel that way about others. I want to know everything, I want to be important to them, not for myself, but I just love people. Its so real. I hold back because others do. I don't cast someone of as a no-one, as just another face. I want to share life with everyone. But this place, this world ruins that. People aren't interested in you. Your just another face. That's what I mean when I say I want to be important. You need that to share anything with anyone. Love is another thing this place has ruined. I guess Love is what I'm talking about. I love others regardless of who, how, what, or anything else they are. I can't help it. I feel it more sometimes that others; I'm not perfect. But I am hurt every chance someone has to share with me, and it passes by. And because I am weak and shy and reserved, I mock my own desires. I hold back. I would enjoy every second I had with a person one-on-one, uninhibited. But we are taught to put up our walls, hide ourselves from others. And when we do, we slowly disappear behind them. That is why I write this meandering gibberish tonight. I would fade out of life if I hid any longer. I have dissipated in my private courtyard long enough. That, to me, is the axis of "being." Whether you sit back and simply become, or you move ahead and blossom the way a soul was meant to.
Sometimes I just need to get my head on straight. Thanks for listening. - G
Its a painful feeling, when you've got something to say, you just don't know what or how. I've really been out of it for the last several years, just musing on memories and dreams. The world turns, people move on, and in the dark times, I felt all of left behind. A self inflicted feeling, I know. Is it just because I am a young man that I wish to soar through life's ocean? Will the desire to be full of life fade with time? Is it my dulled lifestyle that brings me to my knees in emptiness? The truth is that I crave, I ache, but not always enough to seek "it" out. Perhaps that is why I write this now. I know very little of victory, the sweet overcoming of obstacles unforeseen. Is it fear that holds me back? Fear of that very thing I crave? Why does one feel at times the brunt of emotion, only to be stretched out with emptiness later. To which side should we lean? Is it better to not exist at all or to exist fully, so full that it is unbearable? I have always yearned for a place, a place of Clarity. I used to rack my mind as a child, searching for a place where I would feel, or at least imagine that I had that Clarity. I still do today. My search in life is so painfully uttered in that one word, Clarity. I still haven't found that place. Maybe it doesn't exist here, maybe it can't.
I sometimes wish someone was there, hearing my story, seeing my life, understanding, being interested in me at every turn. Knowing it all. I know there is someone, and I want it be real to me. The thing that's strange is that I feel that way about others. I want to know everything, I want to be important to them, not for myself, but I just love people. Its so real. I hold back because others do. I don't cast someone of as a no-one, as just another face. I want to share life with everyone. But this place, this world ruins that. People aren't interested in you. Your just another face. That's what I mean when I say I want to be important. You need that to share anything with anyone. Love is another thing this place has ruined. I guess Love is what I'm talking about. I love others regardless of who, how, what, or anything else they are. I can't help it. I feel it more sometimes that others; I'm not perfect. But I am hurt every chance someone has to share with me, and it passes by. And because I am weak and shy and reserved, I mock my own desires. I hold back. I would enjoy every second I had with a person one-on-one, uninhibited. But we are taught to put up our walls, hide ourselves from others. And when we do, we slowly disappear behind them. That is why I write this meandering gibberish tonight. I would fade out of life if I hid any longer. I have dissipated in my private courtyard long enough. That, to me, is the axis of "being." Whether you sit back and simply become, or you move ahead and blossom the way a soul was meant to.
Sometimes I just need to get my head on straight. Thanks for listening. - G