and here I sit...
Christmas is 2 days away.. and I have nothing to look forward to.. the people I want with me the most are being ripped rom me ONCE again.. thanks to my sister..
I just don't get it.. all year long.. I watch her kids whenever she asks without question or hesitation.. because I love them with every fiber of my being.. I paid her rent so she wouldn't get evicted from her apartment.. I do her laundry because she doens't have the money to do it.. and then bam. I get shit on.. just because their piece of shit father comes into the picture and decides he wants some place to stay for a few weeks...
"Why can't he be part of the family?" she says.. BULL SHIT.
He's a fucking METH HEAD and he has nothing to offer these children..and he doens't love them one OUNCE. and it drives me crazy that he's worthless to her 364 days of the year and then one day he's like a god or something.. I wish I could just erase him from existance... and my sister.. I'll take her kids myself.. I hate this shit..
it's NOT FAIR.. my sister did everything wrong while pregnant.. smoked, drank.. did drugs.. and with all that she got 4 PERFECTLY HEALTHY children... yet she doesn't love them.. she doesn't treat them with any respect and she screams at them ALL THE TIME... her solution to everything is screaming "SHUT UP!"
I've been told I might not ever be able to have children.. how is this fair? I'm a WONDERFUL parent to those kids.. even though they aren't mine.. yet I can't bare any children of MY OWN? HOW IS THIS FAIR, GOD!? IS THIS WHAT I GET FOR BEING GOOD ALL MY LIFE AND NEVER FALLING INTO THE WRONG PATH FOR SO LONG!? Is this what I get for just being strong and never giving into what people wanted me to do to "fit in" no matter what it cost me?
Did I stay strong against all of the people who ripped me to shreds because of what I looked like just so I could get fucked over again in my adult life by never being able to have someone call me MOM?
I just don't get it.. I can't see how this is even remotely justice.. I've been awake for almost 24 hours now.. and I can't stop crying, and shaking and thinking of how much I HATE my sister and how much I just want to smack her into oblivion and take her kids away from her.. these poor little girls don't know who this fucker is that gave them life.. that's the ONLY thing he ever did for them was provide the sperm.. ANY MORON COULD DO THAT!
I hate this.. I've had NO money for the past 2 months because my checking account got messed up and it still hasn't fixed itself yet, so I've been completely off my depression/anxiety meds.. but I was doing SO GOOD until I heard about this shit with my sister.. I can't handle it.. I just can't do it.. it's like.. I've been strong for my mom all these years because she was so sick and she needed to not fall apart.. but this time I NEED to fall apart.. I can't breathe.. and I can't live without those kids.. They are the ONLY reason I still walk this earth.. if it weren't for them I would've been dead YEARS ago.. because I had no reason to live back then.. I hated myself and everything in my life and I just wanted it to be over with.. but Everytime I tried.. everytime I thought about trying.. I thought of them.. and what they would think.. I thought of them looking at me and wondering "why Auntie?.. Why did you leave us when we need you so much.."
I couldn't do that to them.. yet my sister can just rip them away from us for someone who's never there.. EVER.. unless he needs money or food or a place to stay...
I hate even thinking about him TOUCHING those babies.. in anyway.. he's a fucking METH USER.. why would you let your children be around someone like that? I don't care if he's their father.. he's WORTHLESS..
I hate the holidays simply for this reason.. there's no other time of the year when my sister gets like this except for Xmas.. she doesn't care that he's not there for their birthdays.. but for some reason Xmas seems to make her put blinders on and forget how much of a pile of SHIT he is... I just can't understand... how can she look at those precious little faces and do that to them? Knowing full and well that they trust her.. they love her unconditionally because she's their Mommy.. yet Mommy is keeping them away from the people that they love the most.. the people who love them the most.. the people that take care of them whenever she asks.. the people who would DIE for them..
I don't know what else to say.. I'm at a loss.. I want to crawl into a hole and fade into the background.. My heart is broken into so many little pieces.. and I dont know when I will be whole again..
I just don't get it.. all year long.. I watch her kids whenever she asks without question or hesitation.. because I love them with every fiber of my being.. I paid her rent so she wouldn't get evicted from her apartment.. I do her laundry because she doens't have the money to do it.. and then bam. I get shit on.. just because their piece of shit father comes into the picture and decides he wants some place to stay for a few weeks...
"Why can't he be part of the family?" she says.. BULL SHIT.
He's a fucking METH HEAD and he has nothing to offer these children..and he doens't love them one OUNCE. and it drives me crazy that he's worthless to her 364 days of the year and then one day he's like a god or something.. I wish I could just erase him from existance... and my sister.. I'll take her kids myself.. I hate this shit..
it's NOT FAIR.. my sister did everything wrong while pregnant.. smoked, drank.. did drugs.. and with all that she got 4 PERFECTLY HEALTHY children... yet she doesn't love them.. she doesn't treat them with any respect and she screams at them ALL THE TIME... her solution to everything is screaming "SHUT UP!"
I've been told I might not ever be able to have children.. how is this fair? I'm a WONDERFUL parent to those kids.. even though they aren't mine.. yet I can't bare any children of MY OWN? HOW IS THIS FAIR, GOD!? IS THIS WHAT I GET FOR BEING GOOD ALL MY LIFE AND NEVER FALLING INTO THE WRONG PATH FOR SO LONG!? Is this what I get for just being strong and never giving into what people wanted me to do to "fit in" no matter what it cost me?
Did I stay strong against all of the people who ripped me to shreds because of what I looked like just so I could get fucked over again in my adult life by never being able to have someone call me MOM?
I just don't get it.. I can't see how this is even remotely justice.. I've been awake for almost 24 hours now.. and I can't stop crying, and shaking and thinking of how much I HATE my sister and how much I just want to smack her into oblivion and take her kids away from her.. these poor little girls don't know who this fucker is that gave them life.. that's the ONLY thing he ever did for them was provide the sperm.. ANY MORON COULD DO THAT!
I hate this.. I've had NO money for the past 2 months because my checking account got messed up and it still hasn't fixed itself yet, so I've been completely off my depression/anxiety meds.. but I was doing SO GOOD until I heard about this shit with my sister.. I can't handle it.. I just can't do it.. it's like.. I've been strong for my mom all these years because she was so sick and she needed to not fall apart.. but this time I NEED to fall apart.. I can't breathe.. and I can't live without those kids.. They are the ONLY reason I still walk this earth.. if it weren't for them I would've been dead YEARS ago.. because I had no reason to live back then.. I hated myself and everything in my life and I just wanted it to be over with.. but Everytime I tried.. everytime I thought about trying.. I thought of them.. and what they would think.. I thought of them looking at me and wondering "why Auntie?.. Why did you leave us when we need you so much.."
I couldn't do that to them.. yet my sister can just rip them away from us for someone who's never there.. EVER.. unless he needs money or food or a place to stay...
I hate even thinking about him TOUCHING those babies.. in anyway.. he's a fucking METH USER.. why would you let your children be around someone like that? I don't care if he's their father.. he's WORTHLESS..
I hate the holidays simply for this reason.. there's no other time of the year when my sister gets like this except for Xmas.. she doesn't care that he's not there for their birthdays.. but for some reason Xmas seems to make her put blinders on and forget how much of a pile of SHIT he is... I just can't understand... how can she look at those precious little faces and do that to them? Knowing full and well that they trust her.. they love her unconditionally because she's their Mommy.. yet Mommy is keeping them away from the people that they love the most.. the people who love them the most.. the people that take care of them whenever she asks.. the people who would DIE for them..
I don't know what else to say.. I'm at a loss.. I want to crawl into a hole and fade into the background.. My heart is broken into so many little pieces.. and I dont know when I will be whole again..