Wherever You Are
Disclaimer for the following post: I do not judge anybody, ever. It is not my place; we all have free will and it is up to each individual how they use that. I can form an opinion about actions, based on the standards set out in the Bible, but I will never judge a person by their actions.
I'm simultaneously both really angry and really sad. I watched the first episode of The Choir: Military Wives on iPlayer a few weeks ago, and when I saw the impact that deployment of troops has on those left behind, I was shocked. I already knew, on an intellectual level, that war is barbaric: it kills people both military and civilian, which obviously impacts their families and friends; and when soldiers come back alive they might not necessarily be intact - and even if they are physically intact, there are the emotional and psychological wounds that will leave scars. No human being can witness war without being affected by it, of that I am certain. But I'd never thought about the impact it has on families whilst the troops are in action. Seeing just a glimpse of how horrendous it is for the wives/girlfriends and children left behind made me angry and sad. Sad because I felt for them, and angry because it is preventable; the agony is just unnecessary. I suppose they usually have an idea of what they're getting themselves into either by marrying a soldier, or when a husband signs up, but I'm just angry that this situation exists, that people are needlessly suffering. I know why war happens and why the military exists and therefore also this situation, but that's not the way things should be.
One thing that continually baffles me though, is why people still join the military despite seeing what goes on in war. I can sort of understand back in the two world wars that people felt it was the right thing, to defend the country, and they had no idea of what horror awaited them. I'm absolutely not saying they were right; I'm just saying I can sort of see how they might have thought it a good idea. But nowadays we see footage of war, hear reports, hear accounts of surviving soldiers and see how awful a soldier's life can be afterwards due to physical and/or emotional trauma - yet people still volunteer. I'm not judging anyone because that's really not my place, but it does strike me as a strange - nay, insane - thing for a human being to do. Then factoring in the pain that those left behind have to experience - and even more so when a soldier is killed - it's just beyond me. Even if I possessed the ability to understand it, which I'm certain is not the case, I don't think I'd want to.
Since watching the first episode, my iPlayer desktop had all of my downloaded programmes disappear, so I didn't get to watch the second episode. Now they've come back, minus those that expired in the meantime, so I still have the third episode to watch. But this evening the BBC showed a compilation of the episodes, each edited from an hour to half an hour, into one long programme - this is what brought all of this emotion to the fore again, and I just had to at least try to get some of it out. Usually when I watch anything Gareth Malone has done, I know how I feel about it because I can 100% get behind the cause and can be overjoyed when everything works out in the end. This time is confusing: on a human level I am so, so pleased that he's helped these women find some purpose, and something for them, something to distract them whilst their other halves are away. On the other hand, I feel sad and angry that the situation exists and I just can't get behind the Military Wives' Choir the way I could any of his other ensembles, because this choir exists solely because of the barbarity of war, basically. Or more accurately, it exists because these women support the military and are a part of it, and that is why I cannot in any good conscience give this choir my support. Hence the feeling of confusion.
That's not to say I don't care. If I didn't care I wouldn't be confused (and it wouldn't have taken me so long to compose this entry) - and I cried during the first episode so no doubt I'll cry at the third too. The one occasion on which I watched the video for the song (I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it since) I blubbed my heart out; if that's not caring then I don't know what is.