Abundant anxiety
Maybe writing this now at this time of night isn't such a good idea, but I need to.
DISCLAIMER: The purpose of this post is NOT for sympathy. Rather, to show how mental health problems are not just about feeling sad or needing to have things all neatly lined up, or whatever. There are things specific to certain conditions, yes - hence there are different names for different sets of symptoms. However, the following seems to be typical of any anxiety disorder at least, if not mental health problems in general.
Also: None of this is exaggeration - none of the timings or lack of functional ability; none of it. It is all described as best I can as experienced.
It starts on Friday, 4th July. I actually don't think that getting the train on time and feeling that I messed Jenny around helped, but ministry in the morning worked out okay overall. Except when I completely messed up talking to one lady (poor woman) which really won't have helped. I'd forgotten about that. Between ministry and my driving lesson it may have started though - I was at the Brownies' house and they gave me lunch, but I of course ate it slower than I'd have liked, so ended up finishing a few minutes after my lesson was supposed to start. That was probably when things started to go wrong really.
All through the lesson I was totally unsure of myself and punishing myself for not knowing quite what to do, and generally just feeling stupid for being a rubbish driver. Thinking about it now I was feeling a bit weird certainly halfway through the lesson when I did the three-point turn, though reversing round a corner before that was probably more of a trigger. Plus all of the problems I'm having with driving (clutch control - lack thereof - and being afraid to use the accelerator too much, etc) seemed to be worse. Maybe I was just anxious already and my mind magnified things? Quite possibly; I can't be sure. In fact, thinking about it, I just felt less in control of the car than I generally do, which is scary. Ha, I also saw on the road 'NO ENTRY' and got very confused. It took me a few minutes (literally) to work out which way up it was - whether it was for me to take heed or for traffic the other way. (I always get confused with 'SLOW' on two-way roads for that same reason.)
The relatively major thing was the huge roundabout. It was very busy, and even before that I'd been feeling a bit unable to cope. There was a moment on the road coming up to the roundabout when I realised I was stressed because I suddenly felt like being quite defensive and the thought that came to mind was to snap at Norman. I didn't; I controlled myself (he's done nothing wrong; I'm the one doing it all rubbishly so why should I take it out on him? No way!!!) but that shocked me a little. Then the roundabout. My feet haven't yet got used to slow clutch + fast accelerator (I should know by now that it's not going to even do 20 in first gear, but I never remember!) which is a vital combination at roundabouts as most of you will know. So I panicked and stalled. Try again - I stalled, again. That was when real panic tried to take over.
(I don't know how many of you reading this have ever had a panic attack. If you have, you'll know the sort of panic I mean. If you haven't, well, I can't explain how it feels - other than absolutely terrifying - and long may you continue not to have one!) That shocked me a bit more, because I realised in the midst of my mind just trying to shut down and not coping and starting to cry that the symptoms were that of the onset of a panic attack. When that happens, the two options are: panic even more, or try to control it. Amazingly enough, even while the mind is in that state there is still a voice of (relative) reason. This voice rescued me - it said along the lines of 'you are behind the wheel of a car. You CAN NOT have a panic attack behind the wheel of this car (or any other, but) especially as you are at this roundabout.' So I continued to cry but managed to regain some mental functionality and actually drive, as such.
After that Norman was asking me why I was crying - not in a comforting way but not in any malicious way either - and told me that everybody does it, even he has before. I couldn't describe why I was crying at all (of course it didn't register to actually explain quite what had been going on in the noggin) but managed to pull myself together a bit. We then hit some very heavy traffic coming up to another roundabout which took every ounce of effort I could muster to [literally] grit my teeth and not panic again. It was crawling along which was much better than lots of fast traffic, but I was quite ready to succomb to tears again.
When I finished I wasn't quite physically shaking, but inside I felt as though I was. No idea what my heart rate was but I don't think I want to know! When we finish the lesson we tend to have a bit of a chat as a sort of ... what's the word? Debrief? Maybe. Anyway, I then realised I should probably explain why I'd fallen to tears but just thinking about it made me want to cry again, so I didn't. I felt so stupid, but I didn't know why it made me want to cry again and just didn't want to feel even more stupid by giving in again.
Thinking about it, especially after today, I think until the body has had that release (namely crying) it's still all pent-up anxiety that needs to be released. It really does help to calm one down.
After the lesson I went to the library to prepare for my study on Sunday, and it was a bit difficult to concentrate (though I had no idea what was coming the next day!) Ministry after that was great - worked with Lydia then Peter. I was pretty exhausted by the end.
Yesterday (Saturday) was interesting. Ministry in the morning was great - I worked with Ana and then with Peter. It was a lovely day and the morning went fantastically well despite not much of a response. The afternoon started fine - I made a list of things I had to do and allocated time to each one. The first I tackled was doing a mileage invoice for Stepping Stones. I'd allocated an hour, thinking I was being generous - it took over two! I could not believe it. Still, I thought it was okay because after the alloted time for everything there were still a couple of spare hours. It was undoubtedly a factor though.
After that I went up to finish preparing for my study, although I went into the bathroom first. My mind got me (I'd rather not elucidate on that) and I wasted about 45 minutes. By now my time was becoming tight and therefore precious.
That was probably the start of Saturday's insanity. Two reasons: a) I'd wasted time and b) I'd given in to OCD when I knew that I hadn't time to. Plus it's just such a self-esteem destroyer anyway! So when I started to finish preparing for my study I kept getting distracted. Not by external things but my mind just kept wandering fairly often. That was okay - I could cope with that. But then by the end of preparing it was a real struggle to concentrate on anything. I had to pray hard to ask Jehovah to just help me to concentrate enough to finish - he did help, certainly. With a lot of hard work I got there.
By now my mind was just not on anything, so I took a break. It so happened that at that time my parents came back with dinner so we ate, and I went on the computer to notate some musical ideas. That was my sole intention - but I completely forgot and wondered why I was actually on there! I was then going to go back on the computer only for the duration of Casualty (which I thought started 20 minutes earlier than it did) and after wasting another 20 mins remembered why I'd gone on the computer. So I went back on, couldn't remember the musical ideas whatsoever and kept being distracted constantly anyway:
> I checked my e-mails before opening Sibelius, and then started a conversation with Dave. I remembered to open Sibelius about half an hour later.
> After an hour, I then remembered that I'd opened Sibelius - I discovered that I hadn't actually even created a score; I hadn't even gone past the adding instruments stage.
> Somewhere amongst that I was replying to a message from Luke via Facebook. It took me between half and three-quarters of an hour after writing it to remember to send it.
> I could feel my mind flitting all over the place more and more, my heart rate rising, increasing light-headedness, and as though I were shaking inside. I also could NOT leave my hair alone, searching through with my fingers for split ends and 'odd' hairs to pull off / out. I hate it.
> When trying to converse with Dave, I kept typing things all wrongly - missing out words, typing letters the wrong way round (end letters first, or missing the first letter and adding it at the end, or just general mixing up of letters) and even missing whole parts of sentences. Not that this doesn't happen unless I'm anxious - far from it. But the clue lies in the severity and frequency of mistakes. This felt like it was bordering on some sort of aphasia.
Do you know, even when I realised that Sibelius was open and that I had to send the message to Luke, I promptly forgot and it took between ten and fifteen minutes to remember again? Mad.
I finally had to give up on the conversation and attempt to get ready for bed. Dave was quite understanding, fortunately. It was a case of simply being unable to function in any orderly manner and feeling so very, very pent-up that I just didn't know what to do with myself. It wasn't the sort that overwhelms resulting in crying, but the sort that prevents any notion of coherent thought or action. Fine motor skills themselves also are affected, resulting in yet more frustration with typing.
Showering in itself wasn't too bad. The getting round to getting in was difficult but when I knew Mum was coming upstairs that was the motivation I needed to break free and actually get in. I was out of the shower before Mum went to bed, so it was okay. If circumstances had been different it would have been much worse.
I think the worst thing about it was knowing that there was no way I could concentrate to prepare the Watchtower study article for the meeting. I'd managed to read through (just) earlier on but I could not concentrate at all on anything. I tried to read through it again before going to bed but couldn't even take in the first sentence. I prayed and prayed for help - either to concentrate or just endure, whichever was best in Jehovah's eyes - and hoped to read the next chapter of Acts instead. That wasn't happening. So I just about managed to read Ps 34:16, Ps 55:22 and Phil 4:6,7, and I tried to mull over the scripture in Phillippians especially.
> Phillippians 4:6,7 says: "Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let your petitions be made known to God; and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus."
> It's the part that says "the peace of God that excels all thought will guard your hearts and your mental powers" that is so appropriate.
I couldn't even concentrate on my prayer - but I know Jehovah understands what problems we all have, and that he listens anyway. As long as I opened my heart to him I knew that he would listen and would answer. My main concerns were that I could sleep and that I could get out in the morning on time, and both of those requests were answered wonderfully :o)
To be continued ... (bearing in mind it's gone 2am. I've cleared my mind a bit now anyway.)