Return of the Mack
Like always when I'm at home here in Greenville, I'm sitting in front of my computer instead of packing. It's become kind of a hobby of mine, procrastination that is, to where I think that if it were an Olympic sport, I'd be a gold medalist. Yea, I'm pathetic, I know.
Writing though, hasn't been so much of a hobby of mine as of late like I wish it was. It was last spring, probably around March, when my voice finally took hold and I really started writing. It lasted throughout the summer and then something happened. I moved back to Murfreesboro and just found that it wasn't there anymore. At first I thought that it was a product of the fact that my pain and anger that I had been associating with Tennessee (and consequently been venting through my writing) was gone. But I found myself always thinking, my thoughts constantly moving around in my head but yet, when I would try to transfer them to paper, they would just vanish into thin air. Frustrated by this, I just stopped trying. My journal sat by my bed, mocking me of the freedom that I use to have. I'd crawl into bed, staring at it, all the while my head racing, yet as soon as I reached for the pen, they'd run into the far corners of my mind, never to come back out and play.
I'm still having this problem, but slowly, I have found myself being able to write some thoughts down again. It's never really more than a paragraph or two, and they aren't even good thoughts, but they are coming again. That, in itself, is reassuring. I do miss it though, the being able to just take my journal out wherever I was, and just writing for pages.
As I was watching some Sex and the City with Miss Newton earlier, I realized that my brain always kicked into full gear over the topic of love. If you flipped through my journal, or even just read my older posts, you'd noticed that those with the most substance all revolve around the topic, or my lack thereof. Am I stuck to only writing about dating, relationships, and love?
No way in hell could I be considered an expert on the subject, that I'm far from, but a huge chunk of my life has revolved around it. Not necessarily my own relationships, but my friends. I'm always open ears for my friends, and I love hearing about their latest crushes, what so-in-so's boy/girlfriend did for them or what they are doing for them, and then being that shoulder to listen to whatever problems they were having. Throughout my middle and high school years, I was the go to girl; I was the matchmaker for my friends. It was a job I enjoyed, because I thrive on my friend's happiness. They come first, and when they are happy, I am as well.
While for the past four years, I was in various relationships, they were long distance. I, being the total hopeless romantic that I am, felt that even though I couldn't get what I really wanted out of a relationship myself, I could help my friends and keep their relationships strong. So while my relationships were nothing more than glorified boy friends with the actual title, my friends were happy. And even though I wasn't happy, I never let it show.
I will say though, that the way Christian and I ended things was probably the best thing for me. Because I was so burned, I was able to just sit back and enjoy being single for the first time in a long time. And I'll admit, this has been the longest that I've been single in years, and damn it has been fun. But, I have realized just how much I hate the dating game. And yes, it is just one huge fucked up game. And I hate games. They are full of bullshit and lies. And that's where my New Years resolution comes into play.
I know that I probably wrote out some bullshit resolutions in here about my GPA, working out or whatever, but I made one to myself, one that I want to follow through with more than the rest.
No mater what, I'm not holding back anymore.
And this doesn't just apply to things such as relationships. This applies to all life situations. In my 19 years, I've had a lot of opportunities pass me by for various reasons, and it's time that it came to a stop. No more. I'm grabbing a hold of my life and taking it where I want it to go.
This resolution does apply heavily to my relationships though. For far too long, I've always been quiet about who I was into because I never wanted to make a big deal out of it. That, and more than likely, they were asking me to set them up with one of my friends. I found out though, that it several of those cases, it was because they didn't think that I actually liked them back, so they just went after my friends instead. Ok, that's bullshit now that I know, but hey, I guess in the end it worked out for everyone. It made me realize that never actually telling someone how you feel is the worse thing you can do. I'd much rather a friend of mine come up to me because they just broke up with someone, than to come up and have them tell me that the one they were secretly after got away.
So far, I've made good on my resolution. I will admit that for the first time in forever, I totally have a crush. I'm loving it too because it's one of those crushes like I'm back in middle school and I just smile to myself like a little schoolgirl every time I see him. It's also a reassuring feeling, kind of like being able to write again, because it lets me know that my emotions are strong enough again to handle it. I dwelled on it for days, only to realize that I was letting my resolution down, so I let my secret out to him. I was completely honest and afterwards, I was proud of myself for that. Not that I haven't been completely honest in the past or anything, but I'm just sick of hiding things. It doesn't matter what happens at this point in time (ok, that's a semi-lie), but in the end, I know that I didn't let it stay a secret and that's exactly what matters the most.
Hm...two pages. That's the most I've written in quite some time. Same ole bullshit, but hey, it's something.
It's almost midnight here in the old Eastern Time Zone, and I'm no where closer to being packed. Granted, it's not like I have much to pack up, but my bed is covered in clean laundry that I need to fold and put in my bag. While I'm looking forward to being back, I am definitely not looking forward to leaving my bed again. I'm probably not coming home again until sometime this summer, and damn, that's a long time to go without getting to sleep in it. I just can't bury myself into my apartment bed like I can this one. Oh well, if I go to sleep soon, I can get in a good seven hours before I leave it again.
I will be back in Murfreesboro tomorrow afternoon, hopefully in between 1-2pm. That way I can get in a shower and a nap before the events of the evening unfold. Three more days and classes start and I'll admit that my liver and I are ready for it to start. I need the schedule, instead of my random event filled days. Anywho, for you kids in the Boro, I'll see you tomorrow (and you better be coming out to the show!) and for those of you here in South Carolina, take care and I'll see you soon. Or your slackasses should come up and visit ole Middle Tennessee!!
.happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
Writing though, hasn't been so much of a hobby of mine as of late like I wish it was. It was last spring, probably around March, when my voice finally took hold and I really started writing. It lasted throughout the summer and then something happened. I moved back to Murfreesboro and just found that it wasn't there anymore. At first I thought that it was a product of the fact that my pain and anger that I had been associating with Tennessee (and consequently been venting through my writing) was gone. But I found myself always thinking, my thoughts constantly moving around in my head but yet, when I would try to transfer them to paper, they would just vanish into thin air. Frustrated by this, I just stopped trying. My journal sat by my bed, mocking me of the freedom that I use to have. I'd crawl into bed, staring at it, all the while my head racing, yet as soon as I reached for the pen, they'd run into the far corners of my mind, never to come back out and play.
I'm still having this problem, but slowly, I have found myself being able to write some thoughts down again. It's never really more than a paragraph or two, and they aren't even good thoughts, but they are coming again. That, in itself, is reassuring. I do miss it though, the being able to just take my journal out wherever I was, and just writing for pages.
As I was watching some Sex and the City with Miss Newton earlier, I realized that my brain always kicked into full gear over the topic of love. If you flipped through my journal, or even just read my older posts, you'd noticed that those with the most substance all revolve around the topic, or my lack thereof. Am I stuck to only writing about dating, relationships, and love?
No way in hell could I be considered an expert on the subject, that I'm far from, but a huge chunk of my life has revolved around it. Not necessarily my own relationships, but my friends. I'm always open ears for my friends, and I love hearing about their latest crushes, what so-in-so's boy/girlfriend did for them or what they are doing for them, and then being that shoulder to listen to whatever problems they were having. Throughout my middle and high school years, I was the go to girl; I was the matchmaker for my friends. It was a job I enjoyed, because I thrive on my friend's happiness. They come first, and when they are happy, I am as well.
While for the past four years, I was in various relationships, they were long distance. I, being the total hopeless romantic that I am, felt that even though I couldn't get what I really wanted out of a relationship myself, I could help my friends and keep their relationships strong. So while my relationships were nothing more than glorified boy friends with the actual title, my friends were happy. And even though I wasn't happy, I never let it show.
I will say though, that the way Christian and I ended things was probably the best thing for me. Because I was so burned, I was able to just sit back and enjoy being single for the first time in a long time. And I'll admit, this has been the longest that I've been single in years, and damn it has been fun. But, I have realized just how much I hate the dating game. And yes, it is just one huge fucked up game. And I hate games. They are full of bullshit and lies. And that's where my New Years resolution comes into play.
I know that I probably wrote out some bullshit resolutions in here about my GPA, working out or whatever, but I made one to myself, one that I want to follow through with more than the rest.
No mater what, I'm not holding back anymore.
And this doesn't just apply to things such as relationships. This applies to all life situations. In my 19 years, I've had a lot of opportunities pass me by for various reasons, and it's time that it came to a stop. No more. I'm grabbing a hold of my life and taking it where I want it to go.
This resolution does apply heavily to my relationships though. For far too long, I've always been quiet about who I was into because I never wanted to make a big deal out of it. That, and more than likely, they were asking me to set them up with one of my friends. I found out though, that it several of those cases, it was because they didn't think that I actually liked them back, so they just went after my friends instead. Ok, that's bullshit now that I know, but hey, I guess in the end it worked out for everyone. It made me realize that never actually telling someone how you feel is the worse thing you can do. I'd much rather a friend of mine come up to me because they just broke up with someone, than to come up and have them tell me that the one they were secretly after got away.
So far, I've made good on my resolution. I will admit that for the first time in forever, I totally have a crush. I'm loving it too because it's one of those crushes like I'm back in middle school and I just smile to myself like a little schoolgirl every time I see him. It's also a reassuring feeling, kind of like being able to write again, because it lets me know that my emotions are strong enough again to handle it. I dwelled on it for days, only to realize that I was letting my resolution down, so I let my secret out to him. I was completely honest and afterwards, I was proud of myself for that. Not that I haven't been completely honest in the past or anything, but I'm just sick of hiding things. It doesn't matter what happens at this point in time (ok, that's a semi-lie), but in the end, I know that I didn't let it stay a secret and that's exactly what matters the most.
Hm...two pages. That's the most I've written in quite some time. Same ole bullshit, but hey, it's something.
It's almost midnight here in the old Eastern Time Zone, and I'm no where closer to being packed. Granted, it's not like I have much to pack up, but my bed is covered in clean laundry that I need to fold and put in my bag. While I'm looking forward to being back, I am definitely not looking forward to leaving my bed again. I'm probably not coming home again until sometime this summer, and damn, that's a long time to go without getting to sleep in it. I just can't bury myself into my apartment bed like I can this one. Oh well, if I go to sleep soon, I can get in a good seven hours before I leave it again.
I will be back in Murfreesboro tomorrow afternoon, hopefully in between 1-2pm. That way I can get in a shower and a nap before the events of the evening unfold. Three more days and classes start and I'll admit that my liver and I are ready for it to start. I need the schedule, instead of my random event filled days. Anywho, for you kids in the Boro, I'll see you tomorrow (and you better be coming out to the show!) and for those of you here in South Carolina, take care and I'll see you soon. Or your slackasses should come up and visit ole Middle Tennessee!!
.happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.