Panic
So, I, ummm...just had the worst panic attack ever. I was studying, which I really couldnt do because I kept dozing off. Then it got to a point where I got really really dizzy, and couldnt really think clearly at all. So I returned to my apartment, where I started to feel really hot and still dizzy and a little nauseous. Then all of these thoughts bombarded me at once. I started to think about all of the weird signals my body has been giving me lately. According to my calendar, Ive had two periods this month....I started a whole week early. My shins hurt really bad from heels yesterday, which is something that normally wouldnt give me so much pain the day after. Today, I got home from work and found typing on my computer to be task...my hands felt heavy...they still kinda do. Ive been really weak, and I have been bruising really easily (more so than normal) for months now. In fact, I had bruises last week that seemed almost healed and one day I woke up and they looked like they were new again. I get about 5-6 hours of sleep, so I could attribute my general weakness and mood swings to that, but I never had these problems last year...and I didnt really sleep then either. So, I thought, well, I could be sleep deprived, have really low iron, cancer.....sometthing! I cried uncontrollably for about 5 minutes, and I was confused and I didnt know what to do. My roommate tried to hold me, but I kind shooed him away with my body language...then he seemed like he got mad. He asked me if he could help, which he couldnt really....then he said he needed his sleep so he was going to bed....Im honestly afraid to go to bed because I fear I wont wake up...
So Im absolutely confounded as to why my body is reacting this way. yeah, this semester has been particularly stressful, but shit....gah, I feel like Im wasting time...Im too tired to study because I cant think, but I havent done any work all weekend....i dont know if I can afford that. I REALLY dont want my grades to suffer. I want to get into grad school and get a job, and Im DEATHLY afraid that wont happen because I dont work hard enough...nor am I naturally smart enough. i cant memorize anything for my life...
Im starting to fall into depression again, and I dont know why...or how...but its a lot worse than it used to be. My friend keeps telling me to get help, but I know that it wont help me because i think psychologists around here are useless. I just need someone close, not a person behind a desk analyzing my being and trying to figure out what typical case I fit and how to fix my problems. I need someone to keep reminding me that I mean something to them...something that NO ONE else ever can and I need to know that I feel the same way about him/her
So, I love my friends, and I know there are people out there who care a lot about me. So if I ever make you feel like you arent being a good friend, or if I say something that misinterprets how any of you feel, just disregard it. Im really paranoid about relationships and I feel like Ive built up this ideal of a friend/boy/girlfriend that is completely unrealistic. Like a god, almost. I think being close to people really scares me. I have new close friends every week; sometimes on a day to day basis. Either way, I just want you all to know that no matter what I say or do, know that I still know you care about me..in those instances, I am just being irrational. Please note also that I care about all of you, too. So much more than I am capable of expressing. You really have no idea. Thanks for being there.
So Im absolutely confounded as to why my body is reacting this way. yeah, this semester has been particularly stressful, but shit....gah, I feel like Im wasting time...Im too tired to study because I cant think, but I havent done any work all weekend....i dont know if I can afford that. I REALLY dont want my grades to suffer. I want to get into grad school and get a job, and Im DEATHLY afraid that wont happen because I dont work hard enough...nor am I naturally smart enough. i cant memorize anything for my life...
Im starting to fall into depression again, and I dont know why...or how...but its a lot worse than it used to be. My friend keeps telling me to get help, but I know that it wont help me because i think psychologists around here are useless. I just need someone close, not a person behind a desk analyzing my being and trying to figure out what typical case I fit and how to fix my problems. I need someone to keep reminding me that I mean something to them...something that NO ONE else ever can and I need to know that I feel the same way about him/her
So, I love my friends, and I know there are people out there who care a lot about me. So if I ever make you feel like you arent being a good friend, or if I say something that misinterprets how any of you feel, just disregard it. Im really paranoid about relationships and I feel like Ive built up this ideal of a friend/boy/girlfriend that is completely unrealistic. Like a god, almost. I think being close to people really scares me. I have new close friends every week; sometimes on a day to day basis. Either way, I just want you all to know that no matter what I say or do, know that I still know you care about me..in those instances, I am just being irrational. Please note also that I care about all of you, too. So much more than I am capable of expressing. You really have no idea. Thanks for being there.